Thanks for posting. I like your analysis of what is happened with their illnesses. I think it was spot on for my H as well. He didn't see it coming, it caught him offguard and he panicked. I didn't help things when I worried about him and mothered him, just like you. I was also feeling very insecure as I had just found out that he had a 'ONS' from which I contracted a STD. That's how I found out! So the insecurity of my M plus the worrying of the mothering turned me into a woman I didn't like. Over-protective, nagging. I am not usually like that.
What it doesn't explain is why he went for the ONS stand to begine with, it must have been that he was unhappy. Our IC seem to think that because he had lack of parenting, he expects 130% from me, unbeknownst to me. I was not living up to par so he felt disappointed. Unloved and unappreciated. Not that he ever voiced these, my H is pretty quiet about his feelings, especially negative ones. He likes to pretend they are not there ( I think that's how he dealth with his parents' divorce).
So we are here now, I have also tried very hard to look good, reduce guilt, live my own life, make the kids happy and have him see his happy family as we really are. But I know for a fact that he feels extreme guilt and shame.
Actually the part about telling h what I like about him was suggested by IC. I don't think it would hurt as I think H pretty much assumes that I hate his guts because of what he did. So I DO think that he needs to know that I don't feel that way about him. For whatever reason, I still care for him ( I won't say ILU) and I can still see good qualities in him. I think his self-esteem is extremely low at the moment. (BTW, I think that's why he and OW get along so well. Low self-esteem).
I am reminding myself to keep quiet and LISTEN.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
