My Sailor is Back-but not Home

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

The thing i will say.. my Mum and Dad have been together 40 years, but alot of their friends got D over the years. Yes, the men felt guilty, dreadfully guilty about the kids.. BUT.. not one of them ever stayed because of te children. I remember hearing my Mum talk about various guys who hung on ONLY for the kids, but got more unhappy and then left altogether. So in terms of your convo.. I also thought it a bit counterproductive to load on him so much about what this is doing to the kids. You dont want him to come back becuase of them, you want him to come back to YOU. And I doubt it would work anyway, using the kids, or their suffering, as a lever to make him come back.

I was not telling him about the kids as a type of leverage or guilt. The kids are struggling and every time he pulls a stunt like taking off like he did it sets them back all over again. I think it is wrong to not tell him what is happening with the kids. If they suddenly stopped talking to him and I had not forewarned him of the potential repercussions I would feel like I had failed as a wife and mother. Now that he knows the potential outcome and it was clearly laid out for him, it is his decision as to what to do with the knowledge. In all of those situation of your parents' friends, did the wife do anything to change the dynamics in the home to make it a different environment for the H, to make home and family the more inviting option? I am thinking not, so of course the men eventually left. All they saw was a life of more of the same. I am offering changes, real changes. I do realize, though, that it is going to take awhile for him to see them as real changes and I can continue to be patient.

I think you would have more success if you looked at YOURSELF, as you have done I know. What exactly made him go outside of the M in the first place, we all get complacent and some men are weak and dont cope with stress very well.. what can you do to REALLY show him that your M would be better and brighter and not how it was before?

All I can do is continue to be me--the new me--and wait for it to draw him back home. I still do not know what made him go outside of the marriage to begin with, I only have suppositions, as in the past he has said over and over I was a good wife, I deserve better, and he does not love me. Honestly, I think a lot of this had to do with the issues surrounding him not making chief and not getting his transfer when he was supposed to get it. Perfect storm of events. But it is what it is and I cannot change the past, I can only affect the future.

I dont think guilting him over kids/religious reasons is the way to go, personally.

My intent was not to guilt him about the kids, but to get him to understand that the kids were hurting and try to make him see their perspective. As far as religion, all I can do is attest to my faith, not his. he knows that i am faithfully attending church and that I have a strong faith in the Lord. He once did, too. That is not guilt, it is fact. I do not see where I used religion as guilt.

I also dont thikn you should tell him he can move back, with conditions... this has got to be his decision and he probably wont react well to you telling him that. Sounds like SMW, like me, you need MORE patience !!! Wait and see.. you said your bit, now let him digest and process it. No pressure, just be his supportive, forgiving FRIEND.

xxx

I am certainly not talking about making this suggestion right away, just weighing it for the future. It will not be an ultimatum, but a suggestion. IF he accepts it, then we would have to discuss what is needed to move forward. I have to think about the well-being of the kids. Him being here all the time, but not being here, is not healthy for them. I am trying to measure the options of short term pain vs. long term gain for the kids' sake.

I am allowing him the time to process. I am his friend and I have forgiven him. All I can do now is love him and move on with my life. He now knows, too, after our conversation, that I am prepared to do just that. It is his choice as to whether or not he wants to be a part of that life. I will have the kids and it is a package deal. However, I am looking to the days that they are gone and we are still together, enjoying growing old together and spoiling our grandkids. I see the big picture.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW