My Sailor is Back-but not Home

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Now, normally I would not be condoning that forceful of a conversation, however, looking at the impact afterwards, there does not seem to be any repercussions. The reason I am not for all that, is because of the guilt you place upon his head. I know that you want him to stop hurting the kids, and I know that Bob came home only for the kids first, and then God restored his and Barbara's M, but I believe that your H needs to come home for you. as well as my H. I do not believe that we need to guilt our spouses into coming home.. not that it was your intention. I know you were trying to get him to see the hurt that his choices are causing them to go through. This is why he kept looking at the ground, and then saying he had to go, and saying he couldn't go to the meeting with pastor. It is too great for him to deal with. He is weak right now.

Now, I'm not totally against your convo...(just part of it), and I totally understand, and you did well keeping calm and all that. NOW, don't do it again.

Sorry I disagree with this. SMW did not put her H on a guilt trip. She presented him the facts as to what is going on with their children as a result of the actions he is taking. If he feels guilty about that, then he should start doing positive things to fix it. To me, not telling him what his children are experiencing as a result of his actions does him a disservice in having any chance of salvaging a decent relationship with his kids. To me she is doing the responsible thing, if her H thinks she's simply putting a guilt trip on him then it's a further reflection of his current selfish attitude that has infected his relationship with SMW and their kids. Just my 2 cents.

S4H

What S4H said. ^ Damnstraight.

Puppy

Thanks for your support, too, Puppy. Any thoughts on the time he is spending and planning to spend here? I was thinking of letting it go on for a couple weeks to a month and then tell him that if he is going to be here all the time, he can move back home, with the right conditions in place.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[AliSuddenly]

The thing i will say.. my Mum and Dad have been together 40 years, but alot of their friends got D over the years. Yes, the men felt guilty, dreadfully guilty about the kids.. BUT.. not one of them ever stayed because of te children. I remember hearing my Mum talk about various guys who hung on ONLY for the kids, but got more unhappy and then left altogether. So in terms of your convo.. I also thought it a bit counterproductive to load on him so much about what this is doing to the kids. You dont want him to come back becuase of them, you want him to come back to YOU. And I doubt it would work anyway, using the kids, or their suffering, as a lever to make him come back.

I think you would have more success if you looked at YOURSELF, as you have done I know. What exactly made him go outside of the M in the first place, we all get complacent and some men are weak and dont cope with stress very well.. what can you do to REALLY show him that your M would be better and brighter and not how it was before?

I dont think guilting him over kids/religious reasons is the way to go, personally.

I also dont thikn you should tell him he can move back, with conditions... this has got to be his decision and he probably wont react well to you telling him that. Sounds like SMW, like me, you need MORE patience !!! Wait and see.. you said your bit, now let him digest and process it. No pressure, just be his supportive, forgiving FRIEND.

xxx

[ernest88]

Sis...ya got a big set..I'll give ya that...

Ya know I think you are da bomb.

..I'm sure you can understand why I'm very uneasy about jumping to conclusions here right?? I mean no disrespect but DH is an idiot...all WAS's are..IMO..

so..I'm gonna say just sit back and watch...if ya can control the emotions from here on out and not "ride space mountain" then the light switch might just get flipped for him and he may have a change of heart

we will see...

no expectations...and have some fun for yourself...

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

The thing i will say.. my Mum and Dad have been together 40 years, but alot of their friends got D over the years. Yes, the men felt guilty, dreadfully guilty about the kids.. BUT.. not one of them ever stayed because of te children. I remember hearing my Mum talk about various guys who hung on ONLY for the kids, but got more unhappy and then left altogether. So in terms of your convo.. I also thought it a bit counterproductive to load on him so much about what this is doing to the kids. You dont want him to come back becuase of them, you want him to come back to YOU. And I doubt it would work anyway, using the kids, or their suffering, as a lever to make him come back.

I was not telling him about the kids as a type of leverage or guilt. The kids are struggling and every time he pulls a stunt like taking off like he did it sets them back all over again. I think it is wrong to not tell him what is happening with the kids. If they suddenly stopped talking to him and I had not forewarned him of the potential repercussions I would feel like I had failed as a wife and mother. Now that he knows the potential outcome and it was clearly laid out for him, it is his decision as to what to do with the knowledge. In all of those situation of your parents' friends, did the wife do anything to change the dynamics in the home to make it a different environment for the H, to make home and family the more inviting option? I am thinking not, so of course the men eventually left. All they saw was a life of more of the same. I am offering changes, real changes. I do realize, though, that it is going to take awhile for him to see them as real changes and I can continue to be patient.

I think you would have more success if you looked at YOURSELF, as you have done I know. What exactly made him go outside of the M in the first place, we all get complacent and some men are weak and dont cope with stress very well.. what can you do to REALLY show him that your M would be better and brighter and not how it was before?

All I can do is continue to be me--the new me--and wait for it to draw him back home. I still do not know what made him go outside of the marriage to begin with, I only have suppositions, as in the past he has said over and over I was a good wife, I deserve better, and he does not love me. Honestly, I think a lot of this had to do with the issues surrounding him not making chief and not getting his transfer when he was supposed to get it. Perfect storm of events. But it is what it is and I cannot change the past, I can only affect the future.

I dont think guilting him over kids/religious reasons is the way to go, personally.

My intent was not to guilt him about the kids, but to get him to understand that the kids were hurting and try to make him see their perspective. As far as religion, all I can do is attest to my faith, not his. he knows that i am faithfully attending church and that I have a strong faith in the Lord. He once did, too. That is not guilt, it is fact. I do not see where I used religion as guilt.

I also dont thikn you should tell him he can move back, with conditions... this has got to be his decision and he probably wont react well to you telling him that. Sounds like SMW, like me, you need MORE patience !!! Wait and see.. you said your bit, now let him digest and process it. No pressure, just be his supportive, forgiving FRIEND.

xxx

I am certainly not talking about making this suggestion right away, just weighing it for the future. It will not be an ultimatum, but a suggestion. IF he accepts it, then we would have to discuss what is needed to move forward. I have to think about the well-being of the kids. Him being here all the time, but not being here, is not healthy for them. I am trying to measure the options of short term pain vs. long term gain for the kids' sake.

I am allowing him the time to process. I am his friend and I have forgiven him. All I can do now is love him and move on with my life. He now knows, too, after our conversation, that I am prepared to do just that. It is his choice as to whether or not he wants to be a part of that life. I will have the kids and it is a package deal. However, I am looking to the days that they are gone and we are still together, enjoying growing old together and spoiling our grandkids. I see the big picture.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Sis...ya got a big set..I'll give ya that...

Made of brass, too, and I keep 'em in the fridge!

Ya know I think you are da bomb.

you are pretty awesome, too!

..I'm sure you can understand why I'm very uneasy about jumping to conclusions here right?? I mean no disrespect but DH is an idiot...all WAS's are..IMO..

I do understand and i have zero expectations of him jumping right back on the bandwagon. As a matter of fact, if he did, I would question the validity of it. He is not an idiot, just living in lala land.

so..I'm gonna say just sit back and watch...if ya can control the emotions from here on out and not "ride space mountain" then the light switch might just get flipped for him and he may have a change of heart

we will see...

no expectations...and have some fun for yourself...

Emotions are under control. I will not be sucked in. I am getting really good at counting to ten and praying under my breath. I am having fun. Went out with a bunch of people last Saturday night. we had a blast and I laughed all night long. We were still talking about it Sunday at D6's party. DH has not seen me like that in a LONG time--too long. But, I am having fun. He is welcome to join me whenever he is ready.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I need to get my little man some breakfast now that he is up and the kids' laundry is calling my name. I will check back in later.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The thing i will say.. my Mum and Dad have been together 40 years, but alot of their friends got D over the years. Yes, the men felt guilty, dreadfully guilty about the kids.. BUT.. not one of them ever stayed because of te children. I remember hearing my Mum talk about various guys who hung on ONLY for the kids, but got more unhappy and then left altogether. So in terms of your convo.. I also thought it a bit counterproductive to load on him so much about what this is doing to the kids. You dont want him to come back becuase of them, you want him to come back to YOU. And I doubt it would work anyway, using the kids, or their suffering, as a lever to make him come back.

I disagree. People in affairs are ADDICTED to the affair, and HOWEVER you get them to end it, and come back, you can THEN begin to work on the underlying problems of the marriage.

But first you have to separate the addict from the source of their addiction.

I also dont thikn you should tell him he can move back, with conditions... this has got to be his decision and he probably wont react well to you telling him that.

You can't DB based on whether or not you think a cheating spouse will "react well." You need to operate from a basis of "What is the RIGHT THING to do? What would God Himself have me do if He were standing right here in front of me??" Jesus forgave the adultress, but He also told her to "Go and sin no more." He preached turning the other cheek, but He also summoned up righteous indignation and threw over the moneychangers' tables when they were defiling the temple.

Even friends have boundaries. That's healthy.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

I gotta weigh in here just a bit.

I don't see this as SMW "guilting" her husband at all. It sounds to me like she gave him a nicely self-differeniated dose of reality. "This is the effect your behavior is having on your children." It's entirely too easy for WAS's, while lost in a fog, to completely disregard the consequences of their behavior on others for whom they are responsible. I know, mine has continually done the same. This has nothing to do with manipulating him to come back by using the children! It's simply hard, cold fact that his children are struggling, they were so looking forward to their father coming back because they need and love him--and when he returned, he chose to spend his leave with OW and HER children. Completely irresponsible. The fact that he understood that SMW "must really love him" is testimony that he understands her standing for her marriage and communicating that to DH, as well as seeing that she is setting some pretty darn clear boundaries.

I think it was brilliantly communicated, and undoubtedly involved some divine inspiration. Good for you, SMW! He's hearing you; his heart is being softened. Who knows if that will continue or if he will harden his heart against the truth again. But for now, stay the course!

[hoosiermama]

Amen to that, Puppy! Jesus forgave the adultress, but in telling her "Go and sin no more," he showed her clearly what are the appropriate boundaries and behavior.

SMW is absolutely correct: allowing the children to continue to exposed to this behavior is damaging to them. They're clearly struggling with it. Setting the boundary protects them, first and foremost. That's the priority.

[sandycay]

I know the next mission after this one (Piecing) will be even more challenging and God has to make sure I am ready for it.
SMW

AMEN, Sister. It's a whole different ball game. But I know you will do it with style! You know I think your conversation was A-OK because you hadn't had one like that before. I think we talked about how that was my stance from the moment the bomb dropped and stayed that way for 99 percent of the time. He will now be able to see the peace within you and will see those glimpses of what will be upon reconcillation.