Glad to hear you seem to be doing a lot better with your efforts in DBing.
I can see your dilemma about Wednesday night. Your wife getting your son to ask if he can stay over is quite a low move. I think you have to see this as a boundary. I know you want to see your kids as much as possible but your wife needs to know she can't use you in this way. I think you need to tell her that it isn't acceptable to get your son to ask you if they can stay. Don't make it an argument but make it completely clear to her that you have to have a life too. If it's something you arrange between yourselves in advance, all well and good. I think we have to be flexible with these things.
As to whether you take your kids to stay on Wednesday, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself. Obviously you don't want them feeling that nobody wants them. On the other hand, you don't want your W to keep using this strategy. If you discuss this with your W, don't let her get the upper hand by telling you that you should be thankful for the chance to spend time with you kids. I know this will be hard for you and I wish you luck. The main thing here is to protect your kids' feelings. Sorry I can't be more help.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I hope you and your family are well, and thank you for taking the time with my DB efforts. By the way, I have just received my copy of 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'.
This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make, and yet it should be such a simple decision to make. I had already told my wife I was going out last week, so it isn't as though she did not know. I think she is now taking any opportunity to see the OM as it is all new and lovely in her WAW world. Though I am trying so hard to detach the children make detachment very difficult. I am putting my childrens welfare first and trying to 'drop the rope' as best I can as far as my wife is concerned, but as was told to me I believe by Portland Dad or Puppy Dog Tails, I should take any opportunity to bond with my children and forget the fact I am fuelling her affair. I totally agree with that statement but as you Kev and I agree, I have a life as well AND the fact I want the childrens routine to be as clockwork as possible, within reason of course. I do not want them to feel as if they are being pushed from pillar to post but I did not think my wife would ever use the children to satisfy her own selfish needs.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Good to see all the positive moves you have been making. You have read what Michelle says about the butterfly effect - small changes can reap huge results... in time
Can I say firstly that you do not know that she is going out on Wednesday to see another man. I really wish you would get over that one as it does you no good. Yes, she might be, equally she may be going to the cinema with some girlfriends, you don't know. It doesn't change the situation that she used your son to emotionally blackmail you. The only person that you are affecting/ torturing by thinking these om thoughts is you. Her having another man doesn't seem like a deal breaker for you, i.e. you are still working on trying to reconcile your marriage so you have to thought stop. Concentrate on what you can control and what you can't.
Ok, Wednesday night. This is a good time to set a boundary and that boundary is that your kids will not be used as pawns. So, how can you do this effectively? Here is my thought process
- Saying no to your wife that directly will just wind her up and make her angry and you will come across as lecturing if you give her the spiel about not communicating through your kids. - Saying no to your kids will lead to disappointment and rejection.
So, I would ignore her negative actions of trying to communicate through your son and respond directly back to her. Never engage her in that activity by communicating back through your son.
I would bring it up in a light-hearted tone, and say no but offer an alternative.
'Son mentioned that he wanted to stay over on Wednesday night. Unfortunately I have made plans that night but I would be delighted to have them on (pick a night this week). I wanted to check with you that (Friday) night would be ok before I mentioned it to the kids to avoid disappointment on their part.'
That way, you are not lecturing. You are in fact being thoughtful and stating the way things should be done without lecturing. I warn you though that she will be angry and maybe lash out. KEEP CALM! Do not enter into discussion, do not give reasons or explain why you can't have them unless she is discussing it in a calm reasonable way. Just say, 'I'm sorry about Wednesday night but I would be delighted to have them on...'
Then I would show respect to your wife and set an example by waiting for a response from your wife before responding to the children. When you say to son that you can't have them on Wednesday, be really gentle about it and tell them that the next time they stay you have organised an extra special treat and that it is a surprise. That way they will be distracted by the surprise rather than the disappointment.
I hope you are well. I am going to send a text now to my wife asking her about the children staying over on Friday night. I will use your wording and I will wait for a response. I was considering another night myself but I also want to show my wife I am having a life too, so I have to balance this all up. j, I do want to see my children as often as possible, but I do not want to seem like a doormat, though if I am offering to have them puts me in control I assume.
I guess by going out on a week day to her would seem like I am shaking things up anyway, though I must get away from thinking about what she is thinking!!
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
If a neighbour or good friend asked you to baby sit on Wednesday night you would say yes if you were able and no if you were not.
However, these are your children and the way she has done this means that to avoid disappointment on your children's part and to stop fueling her anger you are offering an alternative and being reasonable.
Once you take the emotion out of om, using your children etc you can approach the situation in a calm, reasonable way. Mind you it is much easier for an onlooker to see these things, I often don't seem to be able to apply it in my own sitch. I find emotions make you blind.
You are so right. I feel sometimes I need advice on how to breathe, but as I have pushed my wife further away with the things I have done or said I feel I need to get things back on an even keel and at least be able to communicate. I am sorry I cannot post on your thread as I do not think I can offer any advice. I do know your situation and I admire your patience of over a year now and your tenacity considering there is OM. I will keep looking at your thread and offer my support where I can.
My wife texted me to call her which I ignored until I could respond. She then rang me and was very calm but always sounds a bit down and cold, and she told me Friday could not be done. She then offered me a seperate date for my son which is on the same night I do circuit training. One of the things I was cited for divorce was being down the gym too often (Tuesdays and Thursdays religiously). When she suggested I pick up my son on Tuesday for a sleepover I immediately said yes, so this is a 180 for me and I get to see my son, so this is a win win situation for me.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Crisis averted, great result and you were so the man! It is great that she was calm, this is a real change in your sitch. Do you see how she was co-operative too by setting another date. She also challenged you slightly by suggesting a day she knew you would be busy. You did exactly the right thing imo to accept to show that you are flexible. Don't do it everytime but if she asks you in the right way and gives you enough notice then there is no reason not to be reasonable imo.
I think you have achieved some baby steps here and also manned up.
Oh, and don't worry about my thread, there isn't a lot happening anyway Patience is the key for me at the moment I think. So many people in RL say I am tenacious, lol, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not There were lots of people who gave me advice when I was a newbie and boy did I need it! It is rewarding to be able to help you as you are making such great progress in your sitch. I know it may not seem like it but you really are.
Thanks for your great support as ever. I know it is early days for me and even though I feel I have made rapid progress in regard to my children, any progress I might make with my wife (and it is a big MIGHT I presume) will take a lot lot longer, even after our divorce. To make matters worse I spoke to one of my close friends earlier and he cannot believe I am still wearing my wedding ring, and also wonders why I cannot understand it's all over based on his experience. This is the last thing I need to hear at this stage.
If you get a chance after lunch you said in your sitch that you took a risk with your H that has payed dividends. I think PositivelyMommy asked the same question. What risk did you take?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 05/05/0912:22 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
