Pm, I'm so glad I found you on the boards. I have not really come across many stories where illness came into play.
I don't underestimate what a huge factor I think this played in our marriage. I think it instigated a crisis in my h, and also in me, and that played out through our relationship. He chose a typical flight response and chose to run away rather than face things. However, that doesn't mean that they don't feel huge guilt and shame over their actions and that guilt and shame immobilizes them. They don't know what to do.
Think of things from their point of view, and I can only guess because I am not him/ them.
- They ran out on their commitments of marriage and in your case children (which heaps a whole load of extra guilt!). - We cared for them when they needed us. Even though it goes without saying that we would do this it also throws the relationship out of whack. They may feel like they have a huge debt to repay which equates to pressure. - When you become a care-giver, as women we tend to become motherly. That is not what they want in a wife. I know that after h was better, I found it very hard to get out of the habit of mothering him. Especially when I saw him going through his turmoil after leaving, I wanted to make it all better. The big thing for me was realising that I can't and shouldn't make it better, it is his journey. ANd most importantly mothering isn't attractive.
What does that all equate to = guilt and pressure.
This marriage counseling is an opportunity for your h to explore his feelings but remember he will feel pressured to do so. Make sure you are exerting no pressure on him and the key, I feel, is as you have rightly said, to zip it and listen
Before my h even opened up into that short conversation I spent ages reducing guilt. His guilt won't let him handle seeing you suffer. So I made sure I looked good (men are visual), I listened to him, I exerted no pressure on him and I was light and upbeat, Although in my case I have a tendancy to cry which I really need to work on!!
I like your ideas for your IC.
I would take this first session to just see how the ground lies. So I would concentrate on listening, even if he seems not to be talking. Answer the counselors questions but don't accuse your H.
I would focus on these points
-To listen -To show my happy, confident self (I will not be 'victim') -To sort out finances and such
The reason I have not mentioned the others is that you can show h what you like about him in your actions towards him rather than tell him. You can do this but praising, being encouraging and supporting and showing appreciation. Telling him will just slide off his back.
Secondly about moving away, this will put pressure on him to 'talk' which will probably mean he won't. If you allow things to progress organically by physically carrying on with your plans to move then that will send out a far stronger message than if you merely state it which puts him on the spot.
