Good to see all the positive moves you have been making. You have read what Michelle says about the butterfly effect - small changes can reap huge results... in time
Can I say firstly that you do not know that she is going out on Wednesday to see another man. I really wish you would get over that one as it does you no good. Yes, she might be, equally she may be going to the cinema with some girlfriends, you don't know. It doesn't change the situation that she used your son to emotionally blackmail you. The only person that you are affecting/ torturing by thinking these om thoughts is you. Her having another man doesn't seem like a deal breaker for you, i.e. you are still working on trying to reconcile your marriage so you have to thought stop. Concentrate on what you can control and what you can't.
Ok, Wednesday night. This is a good time to set a boundary and that boundary is that your kids will not be used as pawns. So, how can you do this effectively? Here is my thought process
- Saying no to your wife that directly will just wind her up and make her angry and you will come across as lecturing if you give her the spiel about not communicating through your kids. - Saying no to your kids will lead to disappointment and rejection.
So, I would ignore her negative actions of trying to communicate through your son and respond directly back to her. Never engage her in that activity by communicating back through your son.
I would bring it up in a light-hearted tone, and say no but offer an alternative.
'Son mentioned that he wanted to stay over on Wednesday night. Unfortunately I have made plans that night but I would be delighted to have them on (pick a night this week). I wanted to check with you that (Friday) night would be ok before I mentioned it to the kids to avoid disappointment on their part.'
That way, you are not lecturing. You are in fact being thoughtful and stating the way things should be done without lecturing. I warn you though that she will be angry and maybe lash out. KEEP CALM! Do not enter into discussion, do not give reasons or explain why you can't have them unless she is discussing it in a calm reasonable way. Just say, 'I'm sorry about Wednesday night but I would be delighted to have them on...'
Then I would show respect to your wife and set an example by waiting for a response from your wife before responding to the children. When you say to son that you can't have them on Wednesday, be really gentle about it and tell them that the next time they stay you have organised an extra special treat and that it is a surprise. That way they will be distracted by the surprise rather than the disappointment.
