I'm ready to wake up now...........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey,

I'm sorry for my absence lately. The truth is that I haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile to post.

I'm still really struggling with depression. I guess that's to be expected with the changeover in meds which takes a while to even out. I have a couple OK days and then dip again. Some of it's probably "woman stuff" too [can we say "peri menopause"?].
My emotions are all over the place.

I have basically gone totally dark with H. He makes all contact(via e-mail) and I answer in as few words as possible. He has moved in with the new OW, and is not going to be attending D24's wedding (they are tieing the knot in front of a judge on the 15th). H apparently has a conference call that day so can't make it. D24 says he tried to get her to change the date, but she refused.

I had a meltdown with the kids tonight. There is still un-packing to do and S18 and D24 are here all day and not working and yet they think it's OK to give me guff because they were waiting for me to "help". Every time H is in the house, I hear from him about how much of a sty it is and that the kids just take advantage of me, and it's true that they often do. So, S18 is not in the house tonight, and I've suspended his cell phone.

I know that every time H comes over, he sees more reason why he walked away. There's so much work that needs done here......it's like this house represents the shambles our whole family has become in his eyes. The only 180 I can do that he would appreciate would be to kick everybody out of the house and take all pets to the pound. But, I can't do that. I won't do that. My kids and GD are the light of my life (even when they drive me nuts!).

I think I'm coming to the decision that I don't want my marriage restored anymore. I don't think I could ever get over this, or trust H again, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't ask anyway. I could almost understand the affair with the secretary, but the way that he has behaved since that came out shows me that he does not have the moral values that thought he had. And I don't think that will ever change, and even if it did, how could I ever trust it? He used to tell me that even though he didn't show it very well, the feelings were there, and I believed him. Now he says he was lieing (to himself and me). I don't have it in me anymore to just believe him.

And my C has been talking with me a lot about what it says about my self worth to still be wanting this man back after what he has done........

It's really all moot anyway, because I know he is not coming back. He won't ever look back.....at least not that I will ever know of. Coming to terms and accepting that I thought would give me a sense of freedom.......but it doesn't. I just feel so very sad.

Of course, I'm hoping that when my meds get all figured out, I'll feel a whole lot better!!

Oh, and I went on a real date last Friday, with T (the guy from the dating site). He is very sweet and funny. I don't know if I'm even capable of major "sparks" at this point, but I have been honest with him and he with me, and he still wants to see me again, so it's a positive thing I think.

See.....not much worth writing......just more of the same mostly.......I really hoped I would be further emotionally at this stage of the game.........annoyed at myself a LOT!!

I'm going to go cuddle with my GD.