My dad is in the hospital.. again, less than 24 hours after his last release. My mother who never wants to see the negative in anything is crying, unable to imagine life without him. For the first time my dad said this was no way to live. The first time after at least 14 yanks at mortality.
I am so happy I went down to see them a few weeks ago, when the attitudes were sunshiny. My dad and brother will talk to the docs tomorrow about the reality of his situation. His extremely low platelet counts suggest leukemia.. just another item to throw on his list of ailments.
This is hard.. but so much has happened positively in such a short period of time. Around this time last year my dad was near death, shortly after ex left the house. The two most significant male figures in my life were potentially leaving, men I should be able to trust.. but was betrayed.. or so I felt last year.
Coincidentally.. I got my daddy back just recently. I care about him. I love him. I feel for what he is going through. It makes me cry. Before when he'd be in an untenable situation, I'd prepare for his death but my emotions were removed... just waiting for that chapter of the book to finish. I didn't want to feel regrets looking at his grave.
Now I ache.. it hurts.. gently. I feel for my mom. Now I am engaged with what's going on with my dad.. I'm no longer detached with underlying anger and bitterness. My gift with my parents is that just my conversations make them laugh. Whatever I tell them has them howling. That's love.
It's as mysterious as it is giving. What a gift it is to know that I love my father.. what a gift. I am a slow learner. I'm divorced for a reason. My mom keeps saying how I'm coming back.. the person she knew so long ago.. fun, happy, able to manage things.
Today, before things started going south with my dad.. I keep niggling myself that there was another Mrs. Ex in the world.. a role that had once been mine. Ex had broken an engagement six months before I met him. He was always derogatory about his ex-fiance and her family. I felt ex walked on water, was a demi-god and treated him as such. He was incapable of doing anything wrong. I imagine ex replaying that same loop with Mrs. Ex.. then I remember.. I am not doing anything positive for me with those types of thoughts.
I'm still working hard on the house, making the basement get the WOW factor. Pool room, home theater area, exercise room, etc. I have wayyy too much stuff which nice (cheap) people pay me to haul out of my garage. Whoo hoo!
I'm tired.. going to bed.. and all over the place.
