Forgive AND forget?

[WCW]

I keep wanting to say something but the words just don't come. Not that it really matters anyway if I say anything, or not.

Happy May Day.

[WCW]

I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!
I came home and sold a horse to a new home.
A group of people came for help with their horses working cattle (those cows gotta earn their keep!).
Productive weekend.

Except when it comes to H. I am feeling so much anger and bitterness towards him I can't hide it again or anymore.
He won't talk.
What's next? Idunno.

[WCW]

Vote for Ty Murray! champion bull rider really knows how to hang on to his partner!

[Jeff223]

I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!

What did the horse whisper to you? And what did you say back?

[amd]

(((WCW)))

[WCW]

I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!

What did the horse whisper to you? And what did you say back?

It's secret horse coded whispers communicated in ways that are undetectable to unhorsers.

amd, thanks.

I sent H a sizzling email after another episode of him making something so difficult that should have been so easy. H even told me I was 'exactly right' but jeesh why does he make it so hard to get along? and that's what I asked him. He accuses me of picking fights (bad vibes there because that's what he always said when ow was a new thing) so I called out HIS behavior. I added some other things, and in the end I BEGGED him to respond.
No response.
He did make comments the next day about some other emails, and I asked if he got mine also. Yes he did, and then he got so iterested in the weather report that he couldn't talk anymore.
There hasn't been time to bring it up again, I hope after this weekend of deadlines for H's millions of things to do for everyone else that I can approach him again.

Sometimes I wonder if H is trying in his own way and I have just lost my patience after this many years. Too little too late?
Sometimes I wonder if it's spring and I want to peel off the anchors of the past and fertilize my needs and wants and make my own ideas grow.
I blame H for robbing me of these last 5 years of living a real M. I blame him for robbing me of the last years of enjoying sex before menopause changed me. It brings me to tears to even type that.

I know it's me that has allowed this to continue, yet I can't change it. I was listening to my 9 year old gniece talk about her school picnic for the end of the school year. It brought back a flood of memories how much I dreaded those picnics. It took me away from my school desk and what became comfortable all year. I had to leave the safe desk and go to the picnic and find someone to play with. I hated it, I was usually the last one picked on a team when the kids did the picking even though I was very athletic and played well. I overcame that fear of being last when I made starting line up for the basketball team a year before anyone else in my class. Yet, it's so hard for me to make change and accept it.

When I told gniece I had to go home she asked why? I said because I had a lot to do around the ranch. She asked why H couldn't help with that? I was pretty surprised! but I just said "I don't know that answer."

I am more restless this year than in many, and I talk a good story yet I lack enthusiasm about anything. I feel so scatterbrained and I have a hard time keeping track of things. I have to drag myself to do anything, I want to just sit and do nothing but a busy life won't allow me to do that.
Maybe I just need more sunshine to recharge.

[WCW]

Tonight I was giving lessons to a few people. One young girl was having trouble with her young horse and I said 'you have to reward them for the smallest try'. Such a big reminder to myself that I nearly stopped and shook my head at myself.

[BeingMe]

I know how you feel about not regaining sex before menopause ... and now, I know how it feels to lose that plus the energy for sex, before my H finally wants it. Hope you never get to that point, WCW.

Take care.

[WCW]

BM, thanks. H has varying views of how our sex life was depending on what day you ask him. One of his comments still stings, and maybe that is part of why it just doesn't feel important to try to seduce him anymore. I did notice him looking at my cleavage this weekend when my bathrobe came loose. Ooops, haha lol.

Put another notch in my belt if your keeping score or counting babysteps. H spent another night in our bed with me on his own accord. It's been over a month since we've had any physical touch of any kind after I quit hugging him when he had a very hurtful action one morning. This is the first time he came to me. Usually I've caved in and touched or hugged first but maybe I am finally done being hurt so many times and H can come to me.

The rest of the weekend went very well. H joined a lesson I was giving and helped out (took over) with it. The lady was having trouble getting her horse to go but then when it got scared and went she pulled back to stop the horse. It was very enlightening to hear H say over and over 'it has to be okay to go in order to be safe to stay'. Apply THAT to a MLC WAS.

H was also home enough to receive compliments from 2 different folks about what a nice place he has.
We also talked about some things that need to be worked on. I am getting help from a guy that is laid off. I asked about a certain project and said I'd like this guy to work on it unless H would have enough time. I didn't say it in a mean way, but it looked like H's face flinched with pain when I said it.

Seems I have to find balance between getting the things done and not hurting H's feelings. How do I do that when I've been waiting on some of these things for many years already? Proceed with caution I guess.

[WCW]

A couple other things -
There was cookout at my parents on Sunday. I let H know about it, and he said he wasn't sure if he was going because he had been 'familied out' (he has been working ALOT on a project with the race team, which is MY family). On Sunday about 10:30am I had a lady come for a lesson, and H expressed that was odd because the cookout began at noon. I said I was going but just wouldn't get there at noon. I asked if he was going too. Note! I did NOT ask if he was coming with me. He said he was planning on coming with me and asked if that was okay! I said sure! you're always welcome. (another time I've been very glad I haven't spilled my guts to my family about H, I've been so close soooo many times)

This morning as I was grabbing a jacket to leave H walked into another room. That bugs me that he walks away when I'm leaving but I didn't say anything about that but I asked H about a package. It should have been mailed almost 2 weeks ago and he just said this weekend he was still carrying it around. I asked where it was and I would mail it today. H said it was on the seat of his truck. I said I would grab it, walked out and fed the dogs on my way. H nearly beat me to the door and asked if I had the package yet and then got it for me from his truck. I suppose I should be upset and furious thinking he is hiding something from me in his truck. Naw, it sucks but it's not worth the time and energy.