Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Flicka my love,

Thank you so much for your kindness now and all along my sitch. You have been such an anchor for me emotionally and a compass for pointing myself in the right direction. Thank you. You've helped me more than you can possibly imagine in getting unstuck and moving forward alone in my life. Strangely, the key for me was as simple as making a decision and behaving in accordance with that decision. My feelings quickly matched my behavior, and I am now free of my emotional bondage to XW. I also realize, with the help and encouragement of so many here (frank_D, Phoenixdeux, you, Amy C and countless others, that I absolutely needed to climb that mountain of letting go no matter how I feared doing so. I did the work to climb to the top and reach the cliff edge from which I needed to plunge my old, stuck self and give re-birth to the self that existed before my 'sitch.' I made the leap on TH April 23.

I got pissed at myself that, once again, I allowed my feelings for XW to override what I wanted to do. XW has been a picture of consistency in behaving as a woman that I would be unhappy with WHEN she finally comes around and asks to be given the opportunity to work on reconciling. I vividly remember telling myself, "I don't give a sh!t (about what XW would think). I don't give a <bleep> about what she'd think or feel. I want to be with D8 & S3, and this is a perfect opportunity to take care of me and my children, so I made the decision to go and went. That moment of clarity was my moment of emotionally divorcing XW. Now, we had congruency in being actually divorced and emotionally divorced. To top it all off, XW feels the shift in me. As it stands right now, I'm not interested in reconciling with her at all. It's going to be a sad day WHEN she comes to me wanting to reconcile. I told her this would happen, and it will. I also told XW that I wouldn't be emotionally available for that. She's done enough purposeful, pointed hurting of 3+ years. I will be respectful and I will show her grace, but in my heart of hearts, I don't think I'd be open to working on reconciling after all of the concerted she put into lashing out. We'll see, but I know my pattern...and that pattern is that I'm not likely to reconsider a decision I've made about ending a romantic relationship. We'll see. I do know that her ability to run from reality and dealing with her issues is more than my ability to pursue her any more.

'Til next time.

I will be a good house guest for my brother. No garden, though.