I understand why you are sad but if the outcome ends up being you and xBF together, happy, and healthy, you'll be able to look back and be very glad for your sacrifice.
I know my words won't help much, but as was mentioned, just try and stay as patient as possible in this phase and keep moving forward.
I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason, so I feel you're here to learn something and grow because if it.
Still following along and offering what I can when I can, my dear.
Hey everyone, thanks. Well, I knew something was up, as I said he hadnt replied to my text.
Well, another dip on the rollercoast..I guess you are all right and I need to stay patient, but he just phoned me at home and he sounds 'gone' again. Back to August 08. He had something important in the post I meant to give it to him, but I didnt, and he said Thursday its ok, I will get it off you sometime...
but he just phoned me from home and was embarressed and basically wants me to forward it in the post to him. He was trying not to ask me to do this, so it was all a bit confused to begin with and I offered to get it to him, or did he want to meet? (as I couldnt tell and he was umming and ahhing). But then he sort of said (as though he just thought of it, he's so sly!!!) oh well I am busy and got football and stuff later I dont want to miss that and I dont want to take up your time, you have enough on your plate (we talked a bit about college), so said just post it and then gave me his address (he moved in in January and gave it to me now its May.. EXACTLY the same as LAST YEAR.. moved into his flat January and gave me the address in the May so I could forward his DVLA thing on, just like now, how spooky is that? And depressing, a year on hey...)
He sounded a bit snappy, short, but DID warm up when he talked to me about ipods and was giving me some advice. So I said, are you ok? He said... "oohhh, I'm alright, I'm alright".. NOT sounding alright and sounding wound up and then he said in a heavy voice "I'm just a bit tense".. I said are you? He said "yeah, just very tense".. I said I was sorry to hear that, he laughed and said, oh its ok, I've been tense before, making a joke of it. I was embarressed and felt crushed by the tone in his voice (distant, dont want to be talking to you really, but I have to because I need my tax paperwork...)
He told me he had snuck out of work to "sort this out", that he was looking for his car log book, but couldnt find it, so he neded the thing I had sent to my house... He said it was ok, he lied and told them he had to pop out and visit a site, but he had to get back to work now.. he said, oh its ok, they dont know what I do in that office anyway and so he basically admitted to me (without realising it) that he is working in HER office and not his own. He moaned a bit about work and muttered something about the people there and then said, sorry, dont want to moan at you...
So he walked out of work, mid morning and drove (20 minutes?) home to make that call to me.. (a 10 minute call?) and then was going back to work. I guess he did that because he knew it wouldnt be a quick call to me and cant call from his office, as she sits next to him, so he couldnt risk it. Really wierd.
Sounded like he didnt really want to talk to me, didnt ask me how I was.. but my voice sounded sad/strained as his tone was so distant again, gone, dismissive.. so he ended up saying, are you oK? you sound stressed.. so I said some stuff about college and was quite negative and moaney myself (crushed).
I asked if he had a good weekend and then his voice softened a little and said, yes, yeah really nice, was really good to see S (his old childhood friend) and said then in a closed off voice.. "yeah it was good to chat to him, to have a chat..." and I thought, oh no.. thats the same thing he said when he went to Wales August 08 and after that weekend where he chatted to his BMF, he shut down and stopped hanging out with me. He had the same tone in his voice.
He said he would give me a call "sometime".. "for a catch up and stuff.." later he said kind of offhand, we'll catch up properly soon and good luck with college...as though he wasnt going to see me for a while.
I dont know whats happened, what S advised him..but he sounded bad. Very on edge and in a bad mood. Clearly his "I'm tense" and nipping out of work to call me means that there is a bad atmosphere between him and helen at work this morning (he has been away all weekend and might only just have seen her). He also said he did drink too much at the weekend, so he probably is in a dark mood and really tired.
I'm upset..his voice sounds like he has done another U turn. I hope because he is stressed and 'tense' because he knows he has to break up with her. Clearly he didnt sound happy, so I dont suppose he is happy to see her this morning, or planning to stay with her, but he certainly gave me the brushoff.
It wasnt very nice and quite honestly, I wasnt expecting him to call me like that, this morning.
The bad thing was, I didnt handle it very well and sounded down and awkward with him, I was just totally wrong footed.. I had a mouthful of toast, and admitted that.. then felt very embarressed. So he knows now, I am NOT at college first thing.. made me think of my 180s and the new me and then there am I, clearly lazing around at home. So I gabbled that I was trying to print something off (which was true, as I cant at college)..but I was embarressed, like I had been 'caught out' and he would think I havent changed.. when in fact I am often up at 7am these days.. which is a total 180 for me.
...and I dont know what has happened to him, but something has. I said that Venus was again squaring Pluto exact this weekend (2nd/3rd May).. so another turning point.
So.. good timing.. his oldest bmf wife J just phoned me !! She said ALOT of things. He has said to BMF and another MF (the older guy he golfs with, a sort of father figure...
- he loves me, he wants to be with me, I am the one for him - he is very very stressed, got his 'pants in a knot' as he has to finish with Helen. Her H told her, he is badly stressed right now, in a real state about it, as they work together. - she said the overall message is we are getting back together, I asked her whats stopping him, she said.. she has heard from MF that he did say that he is still worried
- ...basically, he told MF, he is worried things will go back to how they were before (he's NEVER discussed this with me, how things were and how he felt about it, why he left, nor how he would want it to be different. But J said, he is a sociable guy and its not your fault you were getting ill alot, but he couldnt cope with it and that you never went out together). She also said, astutely, but you cant change who you are deep down and cant be expected to go out all the time, but, its just that he didnt cope at that time, after the death of his Dad. J said she hopes he has learnt in the past 18 months he NEEDS to talk to me.
So this doesnt surprise me, it classic.. this is exactly what the Dbing mantra says!.. EVEN if you make changes, the WAS doesnt trust the changes, OR needs lots of time to see and trust that the changes are real and will stick - which is exactly why I was so worried to be caught out, at home mid morning.
- he said that it was too hard when we moved to Cornwall, so soon after his Dad died and being here, no friends and then I bought the flat and we did that up and J said he basically couldnt cope with the stress.
- J said, in the past 2 weeks, EVERYONE back home is saying he is coming back to me, that we will get back together, because that is the message he is giving to everyone
- he desperately wanted to talk to BMF this weekend, her H, but the only time they had was Sunday afternoon, but H had his D with him, so they couldnt really talk. Eventhough her H wouldnt tell J what my ex had said, when MF said, they are going to be back together soon, BMF just smiled at her and didnt deny it.
- J said, unusually for a bank holiday weekend, my ex left on Sunday back to Cornwall. I know he didnt do that to see her, because he wants to end it.. so J wonders if he came back specifically to end it with her!
Personally I thought, yes, as it was 2nd/3rd May when I said those 2 dates were important, that it was Venus square Pluto and that normally favoured me, in the pattern, and not her (wierd I know, but I have all the dates).
She said.. to just give him time and be his supportive friend in the meantime, just drop him the occassional light, friendly text and wait and see. She feels certain we WILL get back together, but he cant think straight right now as he is dreading having to dump Helen because its so much harder with them working together.
The reasons J has told me about, I had already figured out thats is why he left me, and I did naturally change (and dont get ill all the time anymore) and made big efforts to show him my 180s and it seems to have worked.. in DBing terms and he is being atypical in needing time to trust the changes.
BUT I had to take a long hard look at myself and own up to my mistakes/faults and remedy them, IF I wanted this R back. He didnt help me with that, he did the IDLYA and no reasons. I had to look inside, have lots of IC and sort my OWN issues out. Thats the key I think. There were reasons I had stopped going out, to do with long held fears... the stress of which contributed to my illnesses. SO.. I had to really change, at my core, not make superficial changes or '180's but actually grow and NOT be like I was in the R. I post all this in the hope it helps others anyway.
Hi Ali, wow, it goes on and on. I am sorry b/c I think you allowed your expectations to rise. I know after Thursday it must have been nigh on impossible for you to keep them in check and now this kick in the teeth. Is there anyway you can put all of this on the back burner and really concentrate on your degree. I know you said your work has suffered b/c of x, so is it too late to go flat out and bring your marks up. Doesn't look like x is going to be making any decisions anytime soon, so he'll be there when you have your course completed and at least some good will come out of the situation that will stand you in good stead for a better job and more money and debts cleared quicker all positives. I know you were poorly alot but not entirely your fault or reason to jump ship, anyway I always thought you and he were mostly homebodies so did he in fact actually change into wanting to go out more b/c you were always ill or had he done so before?
He now has to take a long hard look at himself as you did and only he can do that so batten down the hatches and work your socks off for the degree you will be proud of.
Wow! I know that change of mood must have really gotten to you. However, it hasn't changed much in the grand scheme of things. So pick yourself up and keep going. The end of the month(my former wedding anniversary, in fact) is supposed to be fantastic for love. chin up!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I worry about what might happen if you guys got back together and you got sick again (the first time my H asked for a D was 12 years ago, right after I almost died-- nice). No, your BF didn't have an A, but there are other factors that might make it difficult for you to completely trust him again.
Yuck, I'm all too familiar with the stomach-dropping sensation of picking up the phone only to hear the "dead," almost hostile voice, when the last time you talked to him he was happy, loving and nearly himself. Be warned, this lasts well into the reconciliation period. The good news is, though, that although they go through peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys, after they've hit rock bottom, each valley is still a little higher than the last.
You stated that your ex was "atypical in needing time to trust the changes." I'm assuming that was a typo, since he's certainly quite typical. But, don't take it personally when he's "off" with you--it's really not you, it's him that he's struggling with. As LBSers, our primary focus is the relationship, and we assume the WAS spends a lot of time analyzing it as well. In fact, they're so depressed that every aspect of their lives seems overwhelming and frustrating, so that the relationship is only one small aspect of their revolving gloomy thoughts.
About the OW, what makes it hard to end things with them is that she is a fantasy. The MLCer doesn't really see the human being, he sees the solution to all his misery, wrapped up in one person. Her looks, her values, her compatability to him--these are often left out in the fantasy he creates about being in a relationship with the ideal woman. He fantasizes that she will fulfil all the empty places in him, and make him feel WONDERFUL. (Because that's what affairs are about: how the cheater feels about himself.)
After a while the MLCer sees the reality rather than the fantasy--he's still miserable, even though he's with her. Sometimes he breaks up with her, or goes back to his previous relationship. But, until he's really dealt with his issues and understands that true happiness comes from within, not from someone else, the fantasy that someone else out there could make him feel better is still in the back of his mind. It's like a drug addict, thinking, "One more dose of her will make me feel good again."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, your title of "Over with ow yet or not?" sounds as though you hope that once he's broken things off with Helen he'd be ready to court you again. More likely, though, he needs the time to process the loss of something that he'd hoped would fulfil all his needs. Sometimes he'll forget that she wasn't the fantasy he'd built her up to be, and be angry that he gave her up for you. And finally the guilt will start to hit him and he'll batter himself for what he put you through. But it's all a very long process.
So, keep focusing on all those parts of your life that don't involve him, because those are the parts you're going to need to throw yourself into if/when he does come back. It will be some time until he's able to give you the relationship that you've visualized over the past 2 years, because he's still stuck in selfish mode, not partner-mode.
