So in men's experience, the urge to f*ck and the urge to have an O must be nearly the same urge or feeling, and that is why to Baggy, it would seem to be a frustration for a woman to get f*cked but not get an O. But for me, I can get f*cked and certainly have no urge to have an O and yet it is still an amazing experience....there is no way to underestimate that urge to get and that feeling you get from being f*cked.
If you think about it from nature's standpoint, a female doesn't need to have an O in order to want to get impregnated, so maybe that will help this make more sense to a man?
I don't know, Baggy, if you're reading, does this make any sense at all?
It does! --> Thanks, DQ.
RE: (the underlined text): they aren't the same feeling in a man, but they are most definitely linked sequencially. In goal oriented male mentality, you seek the f*ck first, and once engaged, you automatically drive for the orgasm next. And if the drive for an O gets interrupted, -frustration- follows.
Again, thanks for the explanation: it makes me feel better about our MUTUAL enjoyment of those -occasional- me->man, you->woman, yank-panties-down-and-drill times.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Also I had wanted to point out, that it is definitely something that should be occasional...as you already know Baggy....we women also want long, slow love making sessions, with attention to our emotions and our souls....we also want quickies....we want one-ways....we want it all!
You may not believe this but I have had many experiences as I have gotten older where I do not O. I can't quite get there or I poop out for whatever reason. It's funny but many of those times have been very satisfying experiences with lots of connection. It's the "enjoying the ride" thing. Usually when it does happen we have gone for quite some time and she is very satisfied by then (or worn out rather ).
Of course I do usually finish myself later on... just because it feels good.
DQ - I think the best comparison for a guy to understand a gal's POV is the difference between the urge to f*ck and simply laying back and receiving a nice BJ There is something primal about intercourse vs. the more civilized simple receipt of pleasure.
I have had many experiences as I have gotten older where I do not O. I can't quite get there or I poop out for whatever reason.....Of course I do usually finish myself later on... just because it feels good.
This is called Male Orgasm Disorder, and it is a treatable condition. There are physical causes for it, but most are psychological. Bernie Z.'s book (TNMS) may address the issue, but I'd still recommend that sex-therpist I keep [poking] you to follow up on.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
OK just a quick update for me....we are making our wedding plans right now for August of this year in Hawaii....we are searching for the "perfect" beachfront love shack to spend a week at, and the other week at the Maui Sheraton (which is where we will actually get married)...I haven't put on my dress since buying it, which I really need to get it out and try it on again as I think it needed some small adjustments (hmmm....note to self: must try on dress again tonight so will not run out of time!)
But I am really, really excited and happy! I can't wait to marry him and take his last name (current last name is same as ex-h).
Then there is the other news...just found out that I am getting laid off as of June 30th (owner is retiring and closing up shop). Now earlier in my life, this would have really thrown me for a loop and made me freak out, as I was the main breadwinner when I was married, and then after that a single mom. But right now its like, yay! I can coast on unemployment for July and August, come back all tanned and sexed up and married, and THEN....instead of finding another boring job, I just might head back to school to pursue a new direction.
My soon-to-be husband told me he has my back no matter what I decide to do (although that doesn't mean I can join the circus, I already asked). I have never in my life had a partner who actually had their own money and could even assist in supporting me, so its just a really new experience for me....to be loved and supported on all levels...sigh.
And as for sex...
Well I can't get enough but that's apparently normal for me, and luckily, he's been really pretty active with me lately too so....when momma's happy, everybody happy.
For mother's day, he took me to his workplace where in their conference room they have a ping pong table...so no one was there and we played ping pong for over an hour! He is a total jock and pretty much beats everyone at nearly every sport...however, I happen to also be pretty jock-ish and I held my own pretty damn good with him...(don't want to embarass him and say I kicked his azz but....)
Then we went to Benihana with both my kids, the grandbaby, my mom, and my brother showed up later (long story). It was great!
I can't remember ever being more happy in my life. I think age brings some of that with it. But I do know that having a great sex life with the man of my dreams has a WHOLE LOT to do with it!
Hope everyone else can find their way to their dreams, too....
DQ, I am so happy for you. I know I have said this many times but your story always give me hope because I know that true happiness can be found... Now hurry up and try on that dress already.
Thank you Cinco....still didn't try on the dress again, yet! Ugh! Must do that today...
I had opened up my copy of Passionate Marriage again this weekend, and found a place in the book that I really needed to re-read.
Background - - lately our love making has been taking wonderful turns into new territory, specifically, I have suddenly been apparently "channeling" how to be an even better lover, and have been acting so sexual and enthusiastic during sex that my man has literally been asking me things like "are you watching instructional porn or reading sex tip books or what? How are you doing these things that you've never done before?" Of course he is asking because he is the happy recipient, but I think he really did think maybe I was looking at instructional sources.
I just tell him "no honey, I don't know what is happening to me...its like I just let go of everything and go with my feelings and somehow that turns out to be better than usual...I can't explain it. I just know that I feel closer and more intimate with you, and its helping me behave more sexually free!"
I really have NOT been reading or watching instructional stuff, by the way. I have just done my usual general relationship and spiritual reading, and trying to grow and understand in intimacy, but nothing that is specifically about sex tips. I just love and trust him more and more each day and that is somehow changing me.
So when I opened up the PM book I found a section that helped me describe to him what is happening, and the other bullet points in this section made me nod my head in agreement that ALL of these are really becoming true in our relationship.
It comes from Chapter 9, Where's Your Head During Sex?, and on my copy of the book the relevant bullet points are on page 256 under the sub-chapter Sexual Potential: Putting It All Together.
This is a two and a half page bit about how good sex can really be when you've climbed up all the mountains described in the first half of the book and achieved a high level of intimacy. The bullet points are these:
*Arousal and orgasm come effortlessly. Orgasm almost seems secondary because its no longer your focus of attention.
*You become acutely aware of every sensation in your body - not just in your genitals.
*Your sexual encounter becomes the only possible reality. The world ceases to exist beyond the edge of the bed (or whatever defines your sexual space). There is only you and your partner. Time stops.
*Bonding is solid and profound. There is a sense of commitment conveyed through action rather than pledges. You may find yourself moved to tears by the happiness and love you thought yourself incapable of feeling.
* (this is the one I was talking about above...) You do things you've never done before as if they were second nature to you. You see universal aspects of your partner and yourself you've never seen before. Jungian therapists would say you've tapped into the collective unconscious.
*When orgasm occures, its explosive and illuminating. New and lasting insights emerge, providing leaps in personal development. It goes way beyond "I'm coming!" and is more an estatic "I've got it! I AM!"
*Orgasm doesn't define the end of your encounter because your desire is driven by fullness rather than deprivation. As the sexual reality fades, it leaves behind a sense of connection and personal renewal.
He was very "wow" when I read this to him, and he agreed with each bullet point. But I did also tell him that he has ALWAYS known that sex can be this good, and he has always described to me in other ways exactly those bullet points above. He has himself always been striding to attain the type of sex described above and he is naturally very close to it all the time anyway, because he is naturally good at intimacy and has very few fears in that area. He has always described to me how extremely fulfilling sex can offer you personal development...something which I did not understand at first. Now I'm really getting it.
But the bullet point about "you do things you've never done before as if they are second nature to you" was the one I had to read to him a couple of times, because it was so awesome to really read someone describing just how I feel. It really is like channeling someone or something else...some better, more sexual, more intimate person who is inside of me...somehow this person knows better than I do what to do, even without exterior knowledge of what to do.
I just thought I'd share this with you all, as I am hopeful that you are all on your own journey toward this type of feeling and sex and intimacy....
It just keeps getting better all the time....
The work involved to get here was worth it, every moment of it, all the tears, all the fear and challenges, all the misguided attempts before I really got past my actual initmacy issues...this has been a 15 year journey for me and I can finally see the summitt...wow.
Oh my goodness.... Isn't this what is experienced by what Schnarch calls "The Blessed Few?" I think I just brushed that off as a fairy tale that isn't to be pursued when I read that back in my dark days. So, it can be true. WOW!!! You are "blessed!"
In this particular section, all he said is "unfortunately, most of us aren't there yet" and then goes on to describe the various intimacy issues that stand in the way of the above. I didn't see the term "blessed few" in this section but maybe he said it in previous sections and was referring to the same thing.
I do realize that when I'm talking about this mind-blowing sex with my girlfriends, they are mostly looking at me like I have 3 heads. I do talk about sex lives openly with many friends (and have done so over the years), and so far I have not heard anyone describe what I am feeling at all. So I realized I must be blessed and few....but here's the thing: NOW I know that most anyone CAN get to here....I just think that it takes so much work that most people give up. Kind of like a professional endeavor or becoming a doctor. Its something basically anyone can accomplish, but it takes so much time that most people don't try. Which I can understand because having this kind of sex life isn't thier focus, so the effort would not be worth it.
However...I know YOU (lucky) are going to get there or get pretty dang close! You are on that path and its headed the right direction...
DQ, You are so very blessed to have this man in your life. You two are together on the same journey to discover the space within yourselves and around you. It's a joy that two people can attain when they truly open themselves to each other. It makes me smile to know that you have come so far. You are a very special person .
-----
I want so desperately to start this intimate journey too. If she would only want to follow me there. How can I convince her that it is not simply a physical act? I can't imagine handing PM to her and her ever reading it.
).
DQ, I am so happy for you. I know I have said this many times but your story always give me hope because I know that true happiness can be found... Now hurry up and try on that dress already.