Need to really make changes for me (thread #3)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Vicky,

Other than I wish you hadn't have asked HIM for names of who you can date (looks manipulative and purusing), I think you handled it BEAUTIFULLY.

Esp. this:

I said (and I was firm too but not yelling), H what are you working on, you say a lot of tings but your actions show different. And, no I don't trust you!! And he said can I wait and he'll be back home by the end of the summer, and I said, no that is not fair -I will not put my life on hold like that. Then he went on to say maybe I could just go on a few dates and I stopped him and said no you cannot dictate that. Then he said that maybe him and I could start back dating and I said no I don't want that, I will not go with you with you living where you are. Absolutely not. You would need to move out. He then tried to convince me that we should start to date and I kept saying no way, not under these conditions. He also talked about how he's tired of all the headaches and he wants to get his life together and I said but you are not taken steps to do that. I even told him what was it that we said as children, words are wind.

Fan-freaking-tastic. You hit the ball into his court beautifully. NOW LEAVE IT THERE.

Puppy

[vickyd]

EXACTLY!!!!

[vickyd]

Update on H and I. Been lots of text messages today:

Me: I refuse to be anyone's fall back.
H: U r not ok. U r my wife.
H: I luuuuuve u ok.
Me: That's too funny.
H: I know.
Me: I'm actually starting to get really offended that you think so poorly of me - u know I'm not so desperate that I will fall for a few words a man says to me
H: what r u talking about.
Me: You know very well what I'm talking about.
H: What r u talking about?
Me: About u thinking that u don't have to give me reasons of why I should take u back. U think that I will just take u back just like that. Very insulting to me.
H: If u don't want that fine.
Me: Okie dookie
H: I don't know what that mean.
Me: It means I'm fine either way ok.
H: Ok I am forgotten then.
Me: Never forgotten, too many good memories. Just lost adn did n't want to fund ur way back.
H: I am not lost.
Me: Ok
H: I will be back.
Me: (no response)
H: (half hour later) I will be back.
Me: (no response - why bother)

[karen43]

I say you did good, but next time start not responding even a bit sooner. That would be perfect! Karen

[mdoodles]

good for you, you answered him very well....

mine told me he would be back, he told me this over a very long period time, but u know what, he is back now...

if u have it in you to keep waiting, wait it out. keep up the good work

[vickyd]

Thanks ladies. I'm tryinngggg!!!

Mdoodles, I do think he will be back and he has done this before and God know I will take him back too like a fool for love. But he has to earn it. I need the course of this relationship changed. H has ping ponged before and continued the A throughout. It has to end. And I need to affirm myself and my value to him. I don't want him back if he will continue to take me for granted and to disrespect me. So I hope I continue to do well. Very scared sometimes what the future holds.

[mdoodles]

it is very scary, i agree. i waited a long time for my h to come home, this whole process took 2 1/2 years, with him home once in between. now he is here and it is scary. i too, wanted things to change and feel the same as you. all i wanted was for him to come home and now the real work begins. as much as we want change, it is very easy for things to fall back the way they were and i have to stay on top of situations or moods of my husbands that are reminiscent of when things went wrong.

and once we got home, things got alittle weird, versus him being so fine with me telling me he will be home soon, and i should be patient yada yada yada. it is a big adjustment, moving back home.

now that i have reached the goal, its scary because you dont want them to leave again.

[vickyd]

YES!!! I so agree. Having to go down the road again is very scary. Wow 2 1/2 years that is long and scary. But change does come slowly I guess at least permanent change does. I say because I'm not sure I can hang so long. But gosh I didn't think I could this long either. I am very nervous about H ping ponging again. His son is there so I know we have to make tons of adjustments and plans with that too. And I'm afraid that that involvement to whatever extent we decide on will make H capable of ping ponging again.

I soooo know how you feel mdoodles. H hasn't even come home as yet and still I get nervous about him coming back and going back to the way things were. It's funny how the battle continues.

By the way mdoodles, I'm from NYC as well.

[mdoodles]

small world, i am on the island. h worked in the nyc area and had him switch jobs so that he wouldnt still be in the same environment.

2 1/2 years is long and scary. looking back, i do not know how i held on. but really, it is minute to minute. and like i told him, he kept me interested, kept things looking promising enough to give me hope. i could not, and would not, have waited if things between us weren't showing signs of improvement.

the battle never ends, and maybe that is a good thing. if we get too comfortable and let our guard down, we may revert back to old ways, or our spouse may revert back.

this type of situation changes you forever. i always trusted him, never gave thought to not trusting him, we had the most perfect life a person could ask for - and bam, that is all out the window.

[vickyd]

Hi mdoodles,

Really small world. I'm also on the Island. Live in Elmont.

And believe me when I say I know that we have the ability that we don't even know of to endure and hold on for love. I too never thought I would hold on for so long. H's A has been going on on and off for over 5 yrs so I know I have endured and many have said how did you. But its time to put an end to it. We can't go on like this anymore. So I understand your strength.