Apologies for the delay in posting; there has been a lot going on, a lot of confusion and hurt and I have been wanting to process things before I posted.
Really, really need some help with all of this.
On 29/4 (day before the court hearing) my H and I talked for about 6 hours. It was originally going to be a chance for us to look at whether we could find a common way to prevent the court case happening.....we ended up talking about the R. H was VERY EMOTIONAL.
I was talking to him about his snoring problem and how I have ever been able to have the intimacy that I yearned for with him because of my need for sleep. I told him that I had been very lonely. He said likewise.
He said that he was VERY SAD, that what had happened to us was a HUGE TRAGEDY..........because of what he sees as a CATACLYSMIC CHANGE in me and the way I am proceeding with y life. He was crying and saying "Why now, why now? I have been waiting for the last five years for the person that I see in front of me.......This is all I have ever wanted, you now are all that I ever wanted."
In the same conversation he said that he is now in a new relationship; i said yes one that by your own admission is not that significant; he said I never said that......I said yes of course you did, and that you may not be with OW in 2 months time; he said I never said that. I said.......so, it is significant then? He said "i am nor saying that, I am not saying anything about my relationship with OW to you'. He then said this marriage is over and I have moved on.
I commented on how quickly he seems to have "moved on" in a relationship that is built on other peoples sorrow and devastation. He incredibly said "Whose devastation?" Can he really be so far out of integrity? I said, well mine.........he said, look I understand that you are distressed and D7 is hurt to a lesser extent (unbelievable........his own D7 who is devastated he he is diminishing it).......he seems to be either devoid of emotion or is in complete denial.
As I was leaving I decided to say my finally goodbyes/ This is not be giving up on the commitment of my M, or for standing for it in Gods eyes, but making it quite clear that I am not the sort of woman that hangs around when he is in another R, whatever the nature of that is. I said that i was proud and honoured to be his wife, that i loved him, that I wished him happiness, that I hoped that she would make him happy (his response was only I can make myself happy; I a essentially alone in my life..........an indication of depression?). I then started talking about my step daughters; how much I still love them and miss them, how I love and miss his whole family but that I can bear speaking to them because the new OW will have taken my place. He says that he believes that love never dies and that I will always be a part of him, but that he doesn't believe that we will be in an intimate relationship again and that out time in each others life, in this lifetime is over. Yet he then says that no one can predict the future and strange things do happen......He kept crying and saying what a tragedy this all is, and was holding both my hands. He then said that he ahd to leave, that it was all too sad and his face was contorted........he then went.
The thing is , this man has choices........i have no idea what is going on here. If he is in so much tragedy about this why did he get in his car and drive to spend the night with OW? Is this R with OW going to last; it is based on secrecy, lies, other peoples devastation. The OW is dealing with my H's life; a bi-polar schizophrenic S34, 2 D's from first M (26,15), an XW with a partner who is dying of prostate cancer, a current wife and D7 who are both devastated and grieving, a dying sister whom he is very close to,a company that is folding, a career that is in chaos (he blames me for the demise of it and that that is why he is struggling now), He is of no FORMAL fixed abode, is living with OW but cant admit that legally.
Does this not bode well for their future? Is this pure and simple rebound, a man getting involved with his employee......when he is obviously, in some ways still trying to make sense abut the demise of our M
Will post next bit of news in a minute, coffee calls..... Please let me know any thoughts?
I'm a no expert here but I think that it is plain that he doesn't want to face the music so he is chickening out and OW is tied to that escape feeling.
It is brutal to hear that you are everything he wants but it is too late. My H has said similar although not quite to that extent.
He must be a miserable soul to be looking at you and saying that and choosing the OW. I think it is clear that he feels like cr*p about himself and doesn't know how to man up and start rebuilding. Maybe where that comes from, that sort of "I wish I could but I can't" thing. Maybe they just want to be small and expect less from themselves. Right now, he is a total failure and a let down so a seedy, covert relationship fits well with that state of mind. Just my opinion.
Good for you though that you have become THAT woman who he has to feel tormented about walking away from. That is the best you can do, right? Be that awesome person that only a miserable fool would leave.
I'm sure you're hurting and I'm so sorry but you are pretty awesome.
Is it rebound? I think that is obvious but he is mentally unstable and if there is one thing I am trying to learn from this site, it is that we just don't know if and when they will "get it." I'm sure you need to breathe for a bit and see what you are dealing with.
Hi innishannon, If you do some research into it you will find that almost 80% of M survive infidelity. Then of the 20% that a very small portion of those A's actually turn into long term successful relationships. I did all the math once and it works out to about 3.6% of the A's last and become a meaningful R. So to answer your question: No, their A doesnt have what it takes to last, and it wont. That doesnt mean that he will automatically come back either though.
You are making these changes so that you will be able to handle whatever happens, and I think that him being so upset means that he sees them, and knows that this is for real. He simply cant reconnect with you while he is in this OW relationship. Its just not going to happen. I honestly think that the reason that they do the whole "I just cant come back" thing is because its easier to just curl up and be sad then face their shame.
Good for you for standing tall, I know its really hard right now. Ive been separated for almost a year and H and I are just getting to the point where we are talking regularly again. You can only control what you do, make sure that its always the right thing.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I can't say that the conversation with your H was totally unexpected. He continues to blame you and not see his role in this.
"because of what he sees as a CATACLYSMIC CHANGE in me and the way I am proceeding with y life. "
He's the one that needs to change now. He blames you for being the horrible mother, the selfish W, yet runs off to the OW.
Like I mentioned earlier, his actions are like a frightened child who blames everyone else but them for their troubles.
I'm sorry that he drags your emotions through this every time. You will get through this. You must remain strong. Find out what your rights are. Do not think about his needs and what faults he might have brought up. Continue to be strong for you and your daughter.
My prayers go out to you for your growth and strength.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
yes, must remain strong........I am finding it easier step by step everyday. had a bad day yesterday, my H flipped at teh fact that my Mum and I were taking D7 out for teh day with friends; would be home by 5pm after which I said that he could take her and put her to bed. He completely lost it and started to say that I have no right to say this (gee, I dont know, you have deserted me and my D, are having an adulterous relationship, have left me in financial chaos with no offer of maintenance but I have no right to take my daughter out for the day?) and started to warn me that he would fight for our D until his death, over his dead body would I succeed. He then came into our living room, with me in attendance and proceeded to lie to our daughter; "Daddy cant see you tomorrow because Mummy will not let Daddy do that. It makes Daddy very sad but Mummu is stopping Daddy from seeing you". Then, the piece de resistance, he walks into the kitchen where my Mum is, who asks him what is going on. He replies by wagging his finger in her face:
you have f*$%^ed up your daughters life and you are f$%@�ing up your grandchilds life. I have always been D primary carer, your daughter has never been her primary carer and never will be. Then re repeated the first line again and stormed out of teh house.
My mother, who is the most loving and giving person.........I am appalled.
I do not believe that my H is well; either taht or he is one of teh most selfish, rude and nasty people I have ever met. He can not possibly be happy, with OW, with his life, with what I am sure is a registering of a loss of his family before his eyes.
But enough is enough. I have to protect myself and my daughter now.
He has made his decision; that involves consequences.........my only aim is that he doesn't come back to the house......and that he can be stopped abusing me and my family in this manner.
My prayers are that we are all going to be safe and well.
Thanks for your help guys...... By teh way, the court hearing on Thursday was adjourned, by me, because I wanted to spare H and I the trauma of going through a court battle. that said it was agreed on teh grounds that he would not sleep in the house, that he would only be in the house for a period of 2 and 1/2 hours at any given time and that our D was to be nowhere near OW. He agreed to the terms.And that the protection order is still in place.
Looks as if he has breached those conditions now so things are now very serious. I have made a statement to the police and have been told to apply for a barring order tomorrow.
I cant and wont be humiliated any more..........
Any advice, I really appreciate everyone's input, thank you so much
although im not giving up 100%, i am 99% - you can be a realist, even while being an optimist, and all this hoping doesnt help take away the pain. as an MD, some conditions are terminal. as you have done innshannon, youve done all you can do, the rest is up to him. while we look to examples in michelles book of success stories, we should all realize, especaially those of us in the last resort sitch, that the odds of getting our marriages back are slim to none.
so true, dondon, i am starting to really go dark at this stage....i cant find much to recommend this man........on one level, on anther level if he is in crisis i am worried for him. but you are right, the ball is in his court fully......it is hard to see any hope in this........but i am starting to detach to the point where the main thing is myself and my daughter
I hope it is safe where you are innishannon. It seems like your H is deep in denial of himself and is lashing out at you.
Is there a woman's abuse treatment center you can go for counseling? They will have much more information for you to use and can tell you if your H is becoming a threat to your well-being.
Please be careful. If I were there I'd personally kick your H's @$$.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thansk so much for your feedback.........it makes s much difference to know that you are not alone; I am so grateful for your wisdom and support.
I am under threat at the moment; this man whom I thought was my husband, someone who loved and cared for me, who would, I trusted, have my interests at heart has now completely changed.
Is it MLC? I don't know, i think that its something a lot worse; some sort of major crisis......
I look at our beautiful D, I reflect fully on my part to pay in the M. I know that i could have done more, been more loving, communicative and present but I cant fathom how anything that I have done would warrant this complete and utter devastation to everyone's lives. We had a home, not perfect by a lot of standards but nevertheless a home and a family.......this has been ripped apart.
My H, instead of planning his exit wisely ie getting a two bedroomed apartment near our D7's school, resisting being involved with OW, offering maintenance for her and myself he has doen the exact opposite; left me with no money, moved in with OW right from teh start and not given any insight into what he would do legally to protect his rights in terms of proper access to his daughter. At teh very least I have the right to demand that he has her in a place where he can cook her a meal.
I guess I have never been in the position where I have wanted out of a relationship so much that I would go to these extraordinary lengths. Are WAS encouraged by their OP to leave; are they given taht false sense of security taht with them the grass WILL be greener, taht their life will be more fulfilled, they will be more loved, more cared for etc, that tehy will find more happiness.
My belief, and it always will be, is that marriage is a commitment and that it is for life. True love to me means sticking in there when the feelings seem to have gone, sticking in there so that something deeper and more beautiful emerges.
I know in my heart that my H's A was going on last year, and they were planning this together. What sort of woman can live with herself knowing that this family has been ripped apart?
And how can my H reconcile this with himself?
Not sure whether DB can help with this; is it to far gone. Can LRt and going dark have any impact here?
I'm so sorry! I think that LRT and going dark and GAL will benefit you the most and it seems would be the only possibility of having any impact on him. Most importantly, you need serious support and to start building a life for yourself. This board breaks my heart sometimes.
I will tell you that one of the most wonderful women I know had the same sitch 25 years ago. She absolutely cut off communication with her H (other than dealing with kids). He did try to come back at one point but she had moved on. Ultimately, she married another man who she is still in love with (22 yrs later), her kids are great and ex-H is miserably married to OW. The point is, take care of yourself, make a life for yourself and maybe he'll come back but who knows if you'll even want him at that point. Too bad I can't take my own advice (my H is waffling so it makes it hard).
Anyway, please stay present here, you'll get a lot of support and advice.
