No Hollywood Ending......BUT...Happily Married

[CMNM]

Hey BND!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this thread over the weekend. Also, about your comment that if you had listened to the advice that some of the posters gave you on how to act when your H was home for a visit (not to mention what your own gut was telling you to do) that you would surely be divorced.

I think that too many of us ARE expecting a hollywood ending. You know, where the WAS realizes how in love he/she really is and swoops in and reclaims his/her spouse in some bold, romantic gesture. Well, upon further thought, even in the success stories here, I recall no such occurence.

So, many of us sabotage our own successes because they are not big enough, bold enough, obvious enough. You can surely see how many times I have done it myself.

I know not every marriage will be saved, but I have to wonder how many more could if we were better at detachment WITH love and forgiveness. Those seem to be the sticking points for a lot of people. Detachment works for them only when they are so pissed off that they see no other option.

I think I'm rambling a bit.

You've given me lots to think about. I appreciate it.

Hugs to you! Hope you had a glorious weekend!!!

[dl443322]

BND, just curious about what comment CMNM is talking about that you made about not listening to some posters when they told you how to act when h was home for a visit.

Yay, on the new job. Hope you got good news on the last test for your daughter.

[brandnewday]

Beginners Mind and Irmac,

The comment about not listening to other posters was this....

And granted everyone has their own opinion and each situation is different.

There were 2 schools of advice I received when my Husband would come to visit.

The first was to basically show him that I had moved on and to be detached and business-like. To have someone else pick him up at the airport, for him to stay in a hotel, and for him to make arrangements to see the children outside of the Marital home.

The second was to be loving and kind. To look my best when I picked him up. To have the house in order and make him feel welcome in his own home. To cook his favorite meals and to basically leave him with wonderful memories of home for when he returned to his MLC-life, 3000 miles away.

I chose the latter, which was the harder of the two.

It was NOT easy having him come home for a few days and pretending that everything was hunky dorey. In fact the day after he left our home and I again was left alone would throw me into a major tailspin.

But I also learned to fake it til you make it and eventually I made the changes that my Husband needed to see in order for him to rethink his choices.

As we lived so far away from one another, he wasn't able to see me on a daily basis. My contact with him was on the phone. This meant that I had to literally put on a happy face, watch the tone of my voice and force myself to NOT tell him about the stuff that was going on in my life that was stressful.

I stopped complaining to him about my financial woes, and would make payment arrangements with Creditors and my Utility companies. I rented out my MIL's apartment and I applied for food stamps and didn't tell him about it as he would have deducted that money from the money he gave me. I learned how to be resourceful and how to keep my mouth shut.

[dl443322]

Thanks so much, BND. I am kind of stuck in that I dont know what to do when h comes to see son on Saturdays. He comes in, sits in his chair and acts like everything is ok and is friendly. I am kind and cordial. But it does set me back.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

bnd--

I really needed to read this today. I have been struggling with the issue of how much leeway to give my DH. I am comfortable enough in my own home to allow him here liberally, but I have been counseled often that I should not. I want to be friendly, loving, and kind to him. It is not my nature to be any other way, especially toward someone I love very much.

Yesterday, my had our youngest daughter's birthday party. It was all family (his and mine) and close friends that are like family. Everyone that was here knew our situation (DH's ongoing affair). Everyone that was here supports my decision to stand for my marriage, but they all have their own way that I should do it.

I am finding that the more open I am, the more open he is. at one point last evening, all of the kids were outside playing, he was building something for D9 at the table, and i was just in the same room-working on school, reading, etc. Several times, he would just start conversation with me for nothing in particular.

I wanted coffee, but not enough to make a pot, so I asked if he would drink some if I made it. He said that sounded good so I did and when it was done, made us both a cup. Later, when he got a refill, he offered to make mine as well. It is frustrating, as for me this is what I always thought a settled marriage was--the ability to be comfortable with each other without a lot of conversation. Yet, he is still in his affair fog and does not see that we do have plenty to rebuild this marriage on if he were willing to work.

When he left last night, I let out a huge, sad, sigh when he pulled out of the driveway--as he was once again gone. As I was in the midst of telling D17 that I was just frustrated, "God is In Control" by Twila Paris came on the radio. D17 busted out laughing and said, "well Mom, there is your answer." I just keep giving this marriage over to Him and praying, fasting, and believing.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[brandnewday]

A very wise man who had also once had a MLC once posted here. His name is Newman and he is on a different forum for MLC.

His advice to me was to basically BE STILL and to sit in the Refiner's Fire.

I was reminded of that today by another poster.

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to

read the scriptures and make them the subject of

conversation. While reading the third chapter of

Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression

in the third verse.
"And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

One lady's opinion was that it was intended to

convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the

grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a

silversmith and report to them what he said

on the subject. She went accordingly and without

telling the object of her errand, begged to know the

process of refining silver, which he fully described

to her.

"But Sir," she said, "do you sit while the work of

refining is going on?" "Oh, yes madam, " replied

the silversmith, "I must sit with my eye steadily fixed

on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining

be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver

will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort

too, of the expression,

"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier

of silver."

Christ sees it needful to put His children into a

furnace. His eye is steadily intent on the work of

purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged

in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come

at random; "the very hairs of your head are

all numbered."

As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith

called her back, and said he had still further to

mention, that he only knows when the process of

purifying was complete, by seeing his own image

reflected in the silver.

Beautiful example! When Christ shall see His own

image in His people, His work of purifying will

be accomplished.

Author Unknown

[job]

BND,
If you remember, I was forever saying "sit still and quietly, for the answers will drop in your lap when you least expect them". I often wondered if people thought I was crazy when I would say that. But, even today, I still say this to so many who are anxious to have answers. Sometimes, answers will not come until you actually sit still and be patient. God works on his own clock and such mysterious ways.

I do hope you and your family are doing well.

[JCJ]

BND

Thank you for posting that. I needed to hear it today! I had to suppress my 'fix-it' urge when I know just at the moment I need to be still

Someone else mentioned to me that I should read Newman's threads but when I search it doesn't find his display name. Do you have any links to his threads?

It is really helpful to read your posts - it gives me hope. Thank you

[job]

J,
Newman doesn't post often. He was here a while back an that's most likely why you cannot locate his responses. He and his wife have their own forum.

[brandnewday]

Snodderly,

Yes I remember when you used to tell me that the answers would just fall into my lap, if I could just be still.

And when I stopped snooping and acting like a crazy person, I would find out things without even trying, it was the strangest thing!

The family is doing well, thank you.

D9 will be starting her growth hormones in the Fall. I guess there is no real diagnosis other then interuterine growth retardation, which basically means she was born small for no apparant reason.

All of her test results are normal, and if we don't do the hormones, her full expected adult height will be around 4ft-8. They are hoping to get her to 5 foot.

We shall see.......

God makes good things in small packages!!