The adventure continues--part 5

[Coach]

I have a lot of new knowledge that I would LOVE to apply to my new relationship with my wife if she will JUST COME HOME!!!

Make it a goal: Get her to move back. So what do you need to do to make it a possibility? What boundaries do you need to be in place? What would you require from you two together once she moved home? - MC, Retro, IC etc. Think thru it all the way. What would you tell someone else on here to do first? You can handle it.
Cheers

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tread carefully here, AF. From your description of the conversation it sounds like she is back in the drivers seat. She is still questioning if YOU have changed and if YOU will be the same. It wasn't you that had the A, it wasn't you that 'forced' her into the arms of those OM. Don't accept any blame for that as that was all on her!

I'm praying for ya buddy, but I didn't hear a whole lot of anything in her last convo except that she expects YOU to have changed; to me that still sounds selfish and script for a WAW.

DITTO. I think you're back in "pursuit" mode, and that rarely (ever??) works. I personally think you'd be better off listening to Hoop and Gooch, but we're not in your boots and you have to do what you think is best.

Puppy

[PMA_Baby!]

I agree. Dont pursue. Let her know your interested in working on your R but not waiting/pineing for it. She's still playing games. Still testing the waters. I'll come back if... No conditions on her part. You've done and promise to continue to work on you just like she needs to promise to work on her. So far it's all one-sided. Have you seen accountability from her yet. She told you the truth, but is she truly sorry for what she did??? It's the whole mindset that scares me. So what if OM is out of the picture. If she's not commited then there will be a line of OM's. She needs to know that this is going to take work and you are willing to do the work. Hopefully, it will be with her. She's still playing with your emotions. Still playing HS games. Hold on to your NUTS man!!!

B

[AFWAW]

ok, I hear you. Yes, I did pursue. I know there is a fine line between being honest and pursuing. I want to be honest but I don't have to share all my feelings with her. I don't want to turn her off to thinking that us getting back together is an impossibility. She has stated emphatically that she knows she was cruel to me in the past. She said she knew that she had some changes to make. The big thing right now is that she's not sure if she wants to come home. I am not pushing her at this point and will not but I don't want her thinking through me actions or words that I don't want her back. I hope you can see the fine line I'm talking about. I want a shot at being married to this woman for the rest of my life. I have seen remorse and regret. She has admitted that she has done the wrong thing. She said she still loves me. It's like I'm so close but so far away at this point. I am NOT discounting what you guys are saying though. Is what I'm saying making sense?

[PMA_Baby!]

ok, I hear you. Yes, I did pursue. I know there is a fine line between being honest and pursuing. I want to be honest but I don't have to share all my feelings with her. I don't want to turn her off to thinking that us getting back together is an impossibility. She has stated emphatically that she knows she was cruel to me in the past. She said she knew that she had some changes to make. The big thing right now is that she's not sure if she wants to come home. I am not pushing her at this point and will not but I don't want her thinking through me actions or words that I don't want her back. I hope you can see the fine line I'm talking about. I want a shot at being married to this woman for the rest of my life. I have seen remorse and regret. She has admitted that she has done the wrong thing. She said she still loves me. It's like I'm so close but so far away at this point. I am NOT discounting what you guys are saying though. Is what I'm saying making sense?

Makes total sense to me. Like many have said. You are the only expert on yr R on this board. The rest of us can only offer suggestions. All I am going on is what u write. She is saying that she wants to come home but is not sure. That is smoke screen for I'm not ready to commit. I'm still unsure of what I want. So thats when u say. I understand how u feel and definitely dont want the same marriage, but know that I have my needs and wants as well. I have determined that I want u in my life, but dont need u. Then ask her what her needs and wants are?

You're doing great. Keep the faith brotha.

B

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Steady...stay Steady...PDT is right - you are starting to pursue or be wimpy.
This is not a sprint but the beginning of a marathon that will last for years...I am sorry to tell you this but feel it best you know and accept upfront that you are on a hard road that will change you and yours forever. It is up to you to make sure that change is for the better...and you may get back together for several years and YOU may decide you don't want her at all.

Your fear of exposure is understood. Although, exposure will not cause your divorce...you doing nothing and letting the affair to continue will though. Guaranteed people in her shop know, I would not be surprised if her 1Sgt has not heard anything. Your goal is to expose to prevent the affair continuing as a fantasy with no real world responsibilities. Exposure will do that in a hurry...if you are worried have your shirt talk to her shirt offline to investigate. What would it hurt...you are already living apart...she might be mad for a few days but will have to accept it was her actions that caused this.

Your wife could also want your daughter to aid in her attempt to get CS from you (or not have to pay you anything). Believe nothing she tells you for now...she has already proven to you that she cannot be trusted. You do nto want her to have custody every weekend...you will never have quality time to do something with her

I know how easy it is to get excited and if you keep doing this every time she yanks your chain you are going to be a nervous wreck or worse get angry and say/do something you will regret. Always keep in your thoughts that you want your daughter to be proud of you...that will keep your moral compass true.

It is possible the affair is over...with her having possibly four affairs while you were gone who knows whom she is talking to and hoping for some fantasy relationship...I say that because she could think that #2 was her soul mate or some other silly thought right now and is hoping to reestablish something with him or #1 or #3 (assumming that #4 was the Lt Col and that is over because he is married and PCSing in Oct)


Enough rambling...take care of your daughter (#1), yourself and enjoy life...might as well smile because crying is not working. Godo time to think about church...if for no other reason than it exposes your daughter to a different lifestyle and will give her a good moral base to make her decisions later in her life.

PS. 205 is not that fat but 175 is better. Take care.

V/r,

[AFWAW]

Makes total sense to me. Like many have said. You are the only expert on yr R on this board. The rest of us can only offer suggestions.

Thank you. I however carefully consider everything that is suggested and appreciate everything that is suggested and try to apply what I think will work to my sitch.

She has stated that she doesn't want our old marriage--I understand this. She has some valid points and I've pointed them out where I've been lacking--i.e.--she wants attention from me and to not be taken for granted--hey, she's right, I didn't give her the attention she needed.

Now, I know what everyones going to say. Yes, I know she cheated on me. I have forgiven her for that. Do I know if she's still w/ OM or not. No, I don't but she has been in contact w/ him but she has been in contact w/ me more and D more recently. She has been a lot more open w/ me and a lot less hostile. I don't know. Bottom line, I miss her and want her home--I hope everyone can understand that.

[AFWAW]

Ok, just got a call from the wife. She said she's not ready to come home yet, doesn't want to deal w/ the responsibilities(hell, neither do I at this point but I don't really have a choice now do I?). I just listened and she said she's not ready to come home yet. She said she'll know when she's ready and she'll let me know and she wants to keep talking everyday cause she misses me and likes talking to me. Ok, I guess that's a start, hell we weren't even talking before. Well, at least I had some good news today--my bronze star was updated in my permanent records. I'm hoping for two more pieces of good news this week as E-8 results come out on Thursday and wouldn't it be a miracle if my wife wanted to come home as well to make it a hat trick? Am I a dreamer or what? I had it out w/ my D tonight as well about the way she's acting towards me as well and told her I understood her frustrations about everything that has been going on but that she's only making it more difficult on herself and everyone around her by the way she's acting. She is sweet and promised to do better and I told her that I loved her and that she has been phenomenal and that if she needed to talk about anything that I would be willing to listen, just make sure you tell me and don't keep acting the way that you have been. She said, ok, Daddy. What a long, long day. Well at least I had stuff to do today. Well, more tomorrow.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, just got a call from the wife. She said she's not ready to come home yet, doesn't want to deal w/ the responsibilities(hell, neither do I at this point but I don't really have a choice now do I?). I just listened and she said she's not ready to come home yet. She said she'll know when she's ready and she'll let me know and she wants to keep talking everyday cause she misses me and likes talking to me. Ok, I guess that's a start . . .

No, actually John I don't think it is. I think you're going backwards.

She is back in control, calling all the shots, and cake-eating . . . BIG-time. I'm not quite sure how you lost all your mojo and momentum in just 48 hours or so.

Puppy

[mindfull]

John:

Have to agree w/Puppy.

She should be kissing your as$ right now! The OM is NOT leaving his wife and family. You have information that could RUIN her career and financial future! You have her DAUGHTER! And, by the sounds of it, you are looking hot now!

Make her earn her right to have you back. What other husband would want her?