Trying to catch up, sorry I havent been on here for a while, trying to focus on my own M, but because I know I slipped after my first time around and my M is on a little shakey ground right now, I want to make sure I share what I (should) know with those who can use it - repeating it for you helps me relearn my own lessons.
Some of this may have already been said, but I think if it was it is worth repeating.
Re-read DR on Validating - understand what it really means. DO NOT say sorry, or sorry you feel that way.. THAT IS NOT VALIDATING. That is persuit/pressure. You are putting blame - no matter on you or her, blame is not where you want to be. She has enough blame as it is, right or wrong.
Try things like "I understand what you are saying", "I understand how what I did may contribute to these feelings", but not sorry. Yes, we LBS have to understand our part of the sitch, and correct it, but we show we are sorry by actions, not words. Just listen to what she says, and if you see how you can be better, and want to be, just act, dont tell.
Re: her anger - I agree with everyone here, the anger is actually a good sign - if she had really let go of you, there would be no anger (unless you are pressuring, which will cause anger just on its own) - anger is quite often guilt turned inside out - and be ready for this. As you continue to improve, and W starts to think maby it is for real, for some time she will get even angrier - the WAS cry of "why now" is common place, and, if you think about it, somewhat deserved. While we LBS may not have seen it, and may think it unfair that our WAS dosnt understand that we didnt see it, to the WAS they have been screaming at you for a long time what was wrong, and we just blissfully continue on without responding. Give her the time to get past "why now", and you may find that at some point she gets to "why not now".
Re: dropping the rope/going dark. Man, I know these are scarry thoughts. Going dark was terribly hard for me, since each and every word, text, email, anything was what I hung my hope on. The problem is during this time even positive messages are not something to hang your future on, the WAS will cycle back and forth quite a bit, and nothing you can do or say will make it better, other than keep working on yourself.
Be carefull with dark - I think it may be necessary in your sitch, and as there are children involved (I think, sorry, been away for a whle) there will be absolutely necessary interactions. Be very very dim. Dont call her, and if she im/text/calls you, lovingly ignore at least some of them. If she contacts you in need, then you be there for her, but if she contacts you just to dump on you, you dont want or need that, it only makes keeping PMA up and improving harder.
The only reason I caution is when dark we have to be sure to not be un-caring. And our guts tell us to care we should reach out and tell our S we care. NO NO! Let her reach to you when she is open to your caring - right now the fact that you care and want to do things for her just makes her angry, gives her mind the excuse to burry you under the negative feelings that have built up over time.
RE: Dropping the rope. I learned the very very hard way, this is something you can think about, plan about, say you are going to do, but is almost impossible to do as a concious act. During my previous sitch and seperation, I thought I had dropped the rope several times, when I really had not. The day I really dropped the rope, was the day that I said to myself "I love my W, and I want a new and better R with her, but if she is not open to that, if what has happened is too much for her, then I have to let her go. I have to find my own happyness without her, I have to seperate my hurt from the pain she is inflicting on herslef and me. I need to go on, for me, and my children. I have to be strong and be the man that my W thought I should be, even if it is not for her.
It was not really a concious decision to drop the rope, but more a concious decision to be ok - which was probably the hardest decision of my life. Part of you will feel like you are giving up the fight, but truely, do you want THAT fight? To battle against unfair odds, for something that truely was not good? No. So in a way you are giving up the fight, and opening yourself to a new future.
The funny thing is once you actually reach this point, often things begin to turn around. I think part of this is your confidence returns, and you begin to really be that better person you have been trying to be. And your WAS sees this. In my sitch, the day I truly hit this point.. the very next day W started pulling me back. Our reconciliation was completely at her driving. Yes, I made somewhat of a farewell speech, and in our sitch there were some things from her side keeping us apart too, so I had to let her know that should she ever decide that she wanted to reconsider our M, that what had happened had happened and I could and already had forgiven. But that was the only thing I shared other than essentially "releasing" her. And not crying about it, not begging, and even (at least outside) looking like I meant it - and that was only because even though it was terribly painful, I did mean it - I knew that day that the future would be ok, with or without W.
It is very hard for us LBS, especially when we know (thanks to DB) our part in the sitch, to allow ourselves to be ok! It feels like a betrayal, like we are not willing to take the punishment due us. You MUST get past this, forgive yourself, and be ok!
So, go dark for a bit. Think about how hard you are holding on to the rope, and try to release it a bit. When you are ready, you will drop it. And along the way, you may find W starting to pull on that rope a bit, and when she finds no resistance (you are not holding so tight on your end) she may pull harder.
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