DH put his stuff in the back of his car and turned around. I asked DH if he had any idea how bad he was hurting the kids with this? He said he doesn’t want to hurt the kids. I said do you think they are just going to get over this? H e said no. I said to him, “Do you know what the first thought that went through my mind was when D5 told me that she stood in the window and watched you pull out of the driveway?” He said “When your dad walked out and you were sick with mono and lying on the sofa.”
I said “Yeah, the only difference was I was 15 and trying to process those feelings, she is only 5. I cannot imagine how difficult all of this is for her, but I do know she was still very sad about it when she left for school the next morning. S3 walked around the house crying for you for over 2 hours. But, as hard and painful as that was to deal with for the kids, the worst incident did not happen until after I talked to you on the phone. D9 came downstairs and I told her you had just called. I asked her if she wanted to call you back and she could talk to you, but that I did not want S3 and D5 to talk to you right now. She said no, he did not want to talk to you. Then, she asked me when you would be home and I had to had no idea, that you had not given me any dates. She leaned back against the door and her eyes got really big. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything. She said no. I told her that it was okay to talk about things if they are bothering you. Her eyes filled up, she laid down on the floor, and she sobbed uncontrollably while I held her for about 20 minutes. She kept asking me over and over why Daddy’s friends were more important than they were. And I couldn’t give her an answer.” While I was telling him this, my eyes filled with tears, but I would not cry in front of him.
One more post should get it all out here.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Alright, I lied--to make it bearable to read, I put it in two.
These next couple of sections are disjointed, as I cannot really remember what order everything was said in, but it was all said.
I said to him, “DH, we have been married 14 years. In that time, how often have I gone months, even years without talking to my dad?” He said, a lot. I said, “My dad caused all of us so much pain when he left, that at times it was very easy to close my heart and my life off to him, especially if I could avoid spending time with the woman who helped destroy my family. When my parents separated, I only went on three visits to my dad’s. I hated being there and seeing him around that woman. Can you live with that, DH? Can you live with your kids not wanting to see you, not talking to you for long periods of time? Can you live with maybe one day not seeing a grandchild until she is 4, not getting a phone call when a new baby is born? My dad lives with it all the time. And he lives with regret. Maybe one day you should ask him what it was like to lose his children.” DH looked at me, dropped his eyes, and said maybe I should.
I said, “The worst thing is, as hard as it has been for him, it has been even harder for me. To know that your parent did not love you enough to stick around when things got hard is one of the most difficult feelings a child will ever have to live with.” He said, again, I don’t want to hurt the kids. I said I don’t want to see them hurt either. It was quiet for a couple of seconds. I told him I had an appointment with our pastor to go talk about the kids and the struggles they are having. I told him he was welcome to come with me. He stood quietly for a minute or two and the said, Honestly, no, I don’t want to go. I said to him, “DH,, you will find no condemnation t church. Pastor was genuinely happy to see you at D9’s baptism.” He said, I know, but I can’t do it right now. I said, gine that’s your choice, but the offer is open if you change your mind
It was quiet for a couple of seconds. I said to him, “DH, I realized something a few months ago. About six years ago, while you were on deployment, I made an unconscious decision that in looking back now, I regret. While you were gone, I moved the kids into the center of my world to replace the hole that was left with you being gone. I missed you so much that if I could just stay focused on them, it was like you were still in your place. The only problem was, after you came home from deployment, and there was another baby in the house, I forgot to move the kids back out to where they belonged and make more room for you. It got better for a while, but after S3 was born, I did it again. With the hours you worked on recruiting duty, you might as well have not even been home, you were gone so much.” I took a deep breath to keep from crying, and said, “DH, I am willing to make every effort to work things out between us. I believe, in my heart that with hard work and help from God, we can make this marriage work and be even better than it was before. But, I am realistic enough to know that I can not control what you do and say, I can only control me. But know this, I will fight you tooth and nail to protect my kids from living with the pain and hurt and sense of abandonment I have lived with for the past 25 years. He said, I know you will. I said know this, too. As much as I want us to work things out, I will not live in a marriage with three people. The kids and I will get along without you and I am prepared to cut you out of our lives to protect them from being hurt any more than they already have been. There will always be a place in our lives for you, but we have to get on with our lives for now.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I asked him, “DH do you realize how hard and painful it was for me to go to support group meetings, to take the kids to the ship functions, to go to the special events for spouses, to take the kids to make Homecoming signs, to order the banners, to even stand on that pier at Homecoming, knowing that in all likelihood, you really didn’t want me there?” He didn’t say anything for a minute or two, was just looking at the ground. Then he suddenly looked up and said, with a completely surprised look on his face, “You must really love me.” It was like all the sudden he realized that what I have been saying for the past 14 years was really true.
I met his eyes and said, “DH, in the past 18 months, through all of this, I have learned how to love you in a way that I did not believe was humanly possible. I love you more now than I did when we were married. I love you despite the pain you have caused me. I love you despite the fact that you are hurting our kids. I love you despite the fact that you have told me you believe that you never loved me. While I accept the fact that that is what you believe, I also know that you once told me you loved me, too, wrote me letters about how you cried from missing me so much when you were away. I chose not to believe that you never loved me. I am not the only one who does not believe it. Our friends don’t, my family doesn’t, and even your own parents do not believe it.
He turned toward the car and said, I need to go, I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I said, “DH, you cannot cause me anymore pain than I allow you to cause me. My feelings and emotions are mine. I chose how I am going to act or react to what you or anyone else does and says to me. I will not allow you to hurt me anymore.”
He said, “Maybe it was a mistake to get married.” I said “I am sorry that you think that now, but when you married me twice in the same year, you obviously did not feel the same way then.” He looked away again and said I have to go, I need to go. I said I understand and told him goodbye. I walked away from the car, across the driveway, up the stairs and into the house, closing the door behind me and never looking back. It was another minute or two before I heard his car start and pull out of the driveway. Once it did, I sat down on the stairs in side and started to cry from the emotions that were swirling around.
I am thinking that I did not do too bad, though, since he called the house twice that night and when he got a hold of me, we were on the phone for 30-45 minutes talking about D5’s birthday, when he could see the kids, my niece’s wedding, and other plans over the next few weeks. He also said, again, that he was coming o my cousin’s wedding in NJ with me in June. I said that we would have to share a hotel room, as they are $140 a night and he said that was fine.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Me too....you are such an inspiration to me, I love the way you live your faith...
BobbiJo--
Thank you. I have to live by faith. The alternative is to live in fear and I will never let fear control my life again. It is so much more peaceful to allow God to be in control.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
If anyone is interested, I have a request. For the month of May, I and a group of friends are praying Psalms 51 with DH's name in it. Those who know me in the alt know DH's name or know how to contact me for it. I will be grateful for anyone else who will join our prayer group.
I will do this. Cheers ~
Thanks Greek, I knew you would, since it was you that gave me the idea!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
