My Sailor is Back-but not Home

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I asked him, “DH do you realize how hard and painful it was for me to go to support group meetings, to take the kids to the ship functions, to go to the special events for spouses, to take the kids to make Homecoming signs, to order the banners, to even stand on that pier at Homecoming, knowing that in all likelihood, you really didn’t want me there?” He didn’t say anything for a minute or two, was just looking at the ground. Then he suddenly looked up and said, with a completely surprised look on his face, “You must really love me.” It was like all the sudden he realized that what I have been saying for the past 14 years was really true.

I met his eyes and said, “DH, in the past 18 months, through all of this, I have learned how to love you in a way that I did not believe was humanly possible. I love you more now than I did when we were married. I love you despite the pain you have caused me. I love you despite the fact that you are hurting our kids. I love you despite the fact that you have told me you believe that you never loved me. While I accept the fact that that is what you believe, I also know that you once told me you loved me, too, wrote me letters about how you cried from missing me so much when you were away. I chose not to believe that you never loved me. I am not the only one who does not believe it. Our friends don’t, my family doesn’t, and even your own parents do not believe it.

He turned toward the car and said, I need to go, I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I said, “DH, you cannot cause me anymore pain than I allow you to cause me. My feelings and emotions are mine. I chose how I am going to act or react to what you or anyone else does and says to me. I will not allow you to hurt me anymore.”

He said, “Maybe it was a mistake to get married.” I said “I am sorry that you think that now, but when you married me twice in the same year, you obviously did not feel the same way then.” He looked away again and said I have to go, I need to go. I said I understand and told him goodbye. I walked away from the car, across the driveway, up the stairs and into the house, closing the door behind me and never looking back. It was another minute or two before I heard his car start and pull out of the driveway. Once it did, I sat down on the stairs in side and started to cry from the emotions that were swirling around.

I am thinking that I did not do too bad, though, since he called the house twice that night and when he got a hold of me, we were on the phone for 30-45 minutes talking about D5’s birthday, when he could see the kids, my niece’s wedding, and other plans over the next few weeks. He also said, again, that he was coming o my cousin’s wedding in NJ with me in June. I said that we would have to share a hotel room, as they are $140 a night and he said that was fine.


Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW