My Sailor is Back-but not Home

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Alright, I lied--to make it bearable to read, I put it in two.

These next couple of sections are disjointed, as I cannot really remember what order everything was said in, but it was all said.

I said to him, “DH, we have been married 14 years. In that time, how often have I gone months, even years without talking to my dad?” He said, a lot. I said, “My dad caused all of us so much pain when he left, that at times it was very easy to close my heart and my life off to him, especially if I could avoid spending time with the woman who helped destroy my family. When my parents separated, I only went on three visits to my dad’s. I hated being there and seeing him around that woman. Can you live with that, DH? Can you live with your kids not wanting to see you, not talking to you for long periods of time? Can you live with maybe one day not seeing a grandchild until she is 4, not getting a phone call when a new baby is born? My dad lives with it all the time. And he lives with regret. Maybe one day you should ask him what it was like to lose his children.” DH looked at me, dropped his eyes, and said maybe I should.

I said, “The worst thing is, as hard as it has been for him, it has been even harder for me. To know that your parent did not love you enough to stick around when things got hard is one of the most difficult feelings a child will ever have to live with.” He said, again, I don’t want to hurt the kids. I said I don’t want to see them hurt either. It was quiet for a couple of seconds. I told him I had an appointment with our pastor to go talk about the kids and the struggles they are having. I told him he was welcome to come with me. He stood quietly for a minute or two and the said, Honestly, no, I don’t want to go. I said to him, “DH,, you will find no condemnation t church. Pastor was genuinely happy to see you at D9’s baptism.” He said, I know, but I can’t do it right now. I said, gine that’s your choice, but the offer is open if you change your mind

It was quiet for a couple of seconds. I said to him, “DH, I realized something a few months ago. About six years ago, while you were on deployment, I made an unconscious decision that in looking back now, I regret. While you were gone, I moved the kids into the center of my world to replace the hole that was left with you being gone. I missed you so much that if I could just stay focused on them, it was like you were still in your place. The only problem was, after you came home from deployment, and there was another baby in the house, I forgot to move the kids back out to where they belonged and make more room for you. It got better for a while, but after S3 was born, I did it again. With the hours you worked on recruiting duty, you might as well have not even been home, you were gone so much.” I took a deep breath to keep from crying, and said, “DH, I am willing to make every effort to work things out between us. I believe, in my heart that with hard work and help from God, we can make this marriage work and be even better than it was before. But, I am realistic enough to know that I can not control what you do and say, I can only control me. But know this, I will fight you tooth and nail to protect my kids from living with the pain and hurt and sense of abandonment I have lived with for the past 25 years. He said, I know you will. I said know this, too. As much as I want us to work things out, I will not live in a marriage with three people. The kids and I will get along without you and I am prepared to cut you out of our lives to protect them from being hurt any more than they already have been. There will always be a place in our lives for you, but we have to get on with our lives for now.


Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW