One more thing he said 35 yr old men, 90% of the time cannot/will not go 7 months without physical intimacy so if we haven't had any he is most likely getting it from porn, strippers, or a new girlfriend(s).
Said that truth be told, if he had this problem before we got married ($1500 in credit card debt from phone lines), that his intimacy with me could have been more about sex than intimacy...ouch.
Didn't say much that you all haven't said at one point or another. But I have been in the spin cycle of love/support him more vs. kick his butt to the curb. ANd I got too dizzy...
Pastor said there is another choice. Calmly and maturely tell him it is done b/c he has chosen to walk away, I am just making legal what he has already ended physically and spiritually.
[BTW Pastor also offered to counsel us both and wants to see our marriage restored/healed. He didn't tell me to get a D. He just said that I needed to understand that as long as he is hooked into the porn he can never be hooked in to me...That he would have to make the choice to put me ahead of all of that--work, cows, farm, the kids, etc etc.]
I think I will go ahead and file the week we get out of school, May 20. But I will tell Dan ahead of time so he knows. Pastor said if I decide to file, just to tell Dan, not in a mean way, just in an honest straightforward way.
He said for our 6 yr old to need counseling means that the way we're going now is more harm than good...
Oh and for those who pray, please pray that my H will wake up and see what he is doing to his life. Not for him to change for me, it's not about that. Pray that he will change his ways for himself and for his children. Thank you.
Your pastor is right in that if he's addicted to porn, he can't be there for you. That's so sad. Sexual addiction sucks but unless Dan realizes (& I think he does, that's why the confusion) he needs and can get help for it. He is going to keep on spinning.
Maybe if you start running your own ship.. he will want to board, but even then he will still need help as this has been a long term problem. The problem with this one is it's everywhere and easily accessible.
I think Dan's guilt is eating him alive. I really think he thinks he can't get over it... and he doesn't want to hurt you by doing it "in your face" anymore. I also know Dan hasn't thought about that deeply to realize any of this. Escapism is the game....
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I am praying for you sweetie. You have come so far and tried so hard but your pastor is absolutely right. As long as porn is ruling Dan's netheregions and mind then he can not be a H to you. He is dishonoring your M with ever click of the mouse, every dollar in a g-string, not to mention the A's. You are of infinite worth in God's eyes and you are a special woman. If I could, I'll share with you the verse from my study this last week. It is a comfort and a strengthening tool.
Phillipians 4:11-13
"I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live with prosperity. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Wow, Mish. That is the very verse that Pastor said Dan needed to remember when he is out chasing after "things" in life--that he needs to be content with whatever he has. Thanks so much for posting that.
Kerry the Pastor said he would love to counsel us both or even just Dan, he would really like to help him. He said he can see that Dan is lost and now the whole porn thing makes it all fit together...
Sandy I knew porn could be a big deal but I was looking at the A's and at him walking away from me. Pastor and I talked over an hour about that stuff, only THEN did he say that something must be filling the void if we aren't intimate. And I said, "Yeah, porn."
He looked up and said "Seriously? You know that?" I said yes, since before we got marrie; I found c.c. bills after we married totalling over $1,000. He said "Well if I had known that, it changes everything. As long as he is addicted to porn he will never be able to be your husband. And he knows it and knows it has control over him, that is why he is so torn up inside."
