Pastor pretty much said as long as porn is an ongoing factor in his life he will never be 'mine'. That was something I hadn't even mentioned to other counselors. The fact that he has said he hates women, that he says women are manipulative, that he cannot trust me, etc etc etc--tons of that can stem from his porn obsession.
I told Pastor I have been trying to keep the ship going for 2 years. He said only you can decide when you want to stop trying to carry it yourself but the fact that you came to see me tells me you have reached a point where you can't/won't do it anymore.
Said I hate the thought of filing and giving up. Pastor said H walked away from YOU the first time he cheated in '99. You didn't walk away from him. The kids know it, he knows it, honestly in a town this small a lot of other people prob. know it too.
Pastor said I have been able to tell by the way H won't make eye contact and by his non-verbal reactions during some of my sermons, he seems lost. He can't hide it from anyone even though he thinks he is.
Pastor said he may love you but the fact that he does so many family things is honestly prob. more out of pride and putting on a show for people than it is about wanting you.
Said he thinks he is getting the best of both worlds, his wife and kids when he wants them and the strippers/porn/possible girlfriends when he wants them.
Said he hates himself and hates his life because he is lost and hurting and as long as porn has a hold on him, among other things, I cannot save him. He has to save himself.
Said if I filed I am Biblically justified to file. I still don't have to but I need to understand that if I do, I am not doing anything wrong.
