However, I will say... he does seek me out to watch some shows on TV w/him (but, because he knows I like them... not sure if it's because he wants to watch them w/me.)
Of course he wants to watch them with you. Why else come find you?
Keep it up. I think if you look back, you have come quite a distance in a short amount of time. He is trusting you more and more. He is beginning to like you more and more. That's a good foundation for what you are trying to achieve. He knows that you want the more intimacy. But I think that intimacy starts with being able to share the feelings and not the physical act of sharing intimacy. That will come later. Trust first.
Did you ever get him to the doc? I never saw anything from that.
As for a date - you could be direct and spontaneous and just say, "hey, want to take a great lady on a date? Just know that I don't kiss on the first date." or you could be more subtle and say that you really enjoyed the "date" you had this weekend as couples and leave it at that. No pressure. No expectations for either of those. He may not respond. At least not in the time you'd like.
Keep up the good work. You're making tremendous progress. I'm proud of you MB.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, I know she can't have the "do you want a date approach" but, I think we need to figure out how she can get him on a "this is not a date, but a coincidence that we are alone" date. Know what I mean.
Exactly what I was going to say! I just thought I'd ask first if he seems interested. A movie is also a good idea, because it doesn't put on the pressure of a conversation that might turn into R talk. What you were saying on the "double date" with the other couple sounds like a good start. See how that goes. If that's enjoyable to both of you, maybe see if there's a movie out that you know he will want to see and arrange for the kids to be away/taken care of.
Thanks for looking in on me, and giving this situation some thought.
My posts (prior to this) show some break in activity...
When we have spare time, his first priority is spending time with the kids. He does seek me out to do things, but not very much. Then again, the spare time is sparse! And, he has so little time at home... Confusing.
Also, my confidence is his part of "us" is shot. I'm not sure I'd have the confidence anymore to even consider requesting to do something on our own.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I get it. I truly believe that that's part of our problem. Hopefully, with things slowing down a little, and him spending more time alone, things will improve. It's sad, but I don't know if he wants them to improve. I would have a different approach if I knew he was interested in improving us. We've had one "explosion" since I started DB'ing in November (in March), and he told me that if the boys were older, he would be gone. He's not interested in me. (I know I'm not supposed to believe what he says, especially when confronted with the subject by a teary, hysterical wife, but you don't forget the words.)
Yes, 3 proms. God.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
ONE day, yep. That's not typical, but can happen...
I don't really consider us having an emotional connection. He asks me opinion on things, seeks me out to talk to me, but it is typically not about anything of any importance, just talk. He's a talker. (About everything that doesn't f*cking matter.)
I feel like his only interest, when he's home, is resting and spending time with the kids. Sad, but true.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
but, because he knows I like them... not sure if it's because he wants to watch them w/me.
IMHO, this means the same thing. if he's doing it because he knows you like them, he is doing something out of love. if he wants to you to watch them with him, it is out of love. He may not be IN love with you at the moment, but he still loves you. the IN love part, is the feeling that comes from loving a person. confusing, I know.
also, the date thing.... do not make it out as a date. just say, hey, lets go out to eat, you wanna go to that one great place? or, have you seen that such and such movie yet? lets go see that tonight!
and if he says no, say, okay cool, and then go with your friend instead! Look really hot and be all excited!
on his comment about only staying for the kids. your right, you can't believe that. that statement only came out of his feelings, the feelings that he is unhappy and thinks he can never be happy in this situation. He doesn't remember the good times, only the bad. He has no idea that things CAN be incredible, and better than it ever was. So don't be upset that he is stupid. lol
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I would be some of you receive these emails, as well... However, same sh*t, different day. Maybe it's true?!!?!??!
Today people are into quick fixes. But you can't "microwave" a relationship. Relationships work according to the law of the harvest.
You know how a harvest works, don't you? In the spring time you have to plant. Then you have to water, fertilize, and irrigate all summer long. There's something else you have to do too...wait! You have to be patient. And then, after you complete every step of the process, you can harvest the crop.
We're not used to revering a process. Most people look for short-cuts. Today everything is about efficiency. Efficiency works with machines, business, and finances. But efficiency does NOT work with relationships.
Renewing a marriage takes TIME. There are no short-cuts! You have to respect the process and be willing to take every step. (And you have to know what the steps are.)
Can you imagine goofing-off all spring and summer and then trying to harvest a crop in the fall? It's impossible!
Relationships, like crops, are governed by the natural laws of the universe. If you skip a step, you'll short-circuit the process and slow yourself down. But if you take your time and go step-by-step...that' the fastest way.
The only way YOU can change your marriage is to change yourself. You've got to become the man or woman that anyone would want to be married to. You have to learn what a man/woman wants in a marriage AND how to implement relationship habits so that you can offer it CONSISTENTLY.
Are you thinking, "It's not me that needs to change; it's my spouse."
It's easy to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about what you're spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. The only relevant question is: What's YOUR fixing?
You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I have NEVER seen a marital situation that is caused by one spouse. There's always dual responsibility. What can YOU do to improve the situation?
Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you explored the childhood roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances?
Even if your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available within it?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My friends have a giggle. You NEVER not know where you stand w/me. Think I was born w/out a filter.
MB, I like and respect people like that. Not everyone can handle that full time though. Can come across like a full frontal assault if you are not careful.
I see some interesting thoughts coming from you. Keep it up!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
