IMO your response to Dan's eternal stupidity was RIGHT ON! That man has jerked you and your kids around long enough and doesn't deserve an ounce of sympathy or caring from you.
I know that sounds really harsh, but, again.....I'm MAD for you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Personally, I have no idea why you or any one of us LBSs work so hard to retain what seem to be just awful spouses. In retrospect, if I had to do it all over again, I would walk after the bomb (especially if OP is involved). I think it would have done me and the relationship some good! The result may have been the same, however, the healing process would have been quicker.
I agree with the above. I believe had I been stronger upfront when the A was first discovered, taking a stronger stand with my W I would be in a much better place now.
As for your new approach to Dan, BBJ, this is actually a new 180 for you don't you think? Your past approach over the last 18 months hasn't yielded any significant progress so perhaps this will shake things up a bit and hopefully get Dan to seriously reassess his current course of action.
I'm gonna agree with John...BBJ..I hate to say it but I think the LBS hangs on way too long...in my case i never found out who i was until I slipped the anchor chain that was Kim and her mom off my neck...
Hey bobbi.. I think you may have misunderstood me...
I wasnt suggesting you go back to how you were before, trying to win him back or assume you were heading for reconciliation. I was just suggesting you stop all teh blame/shame/guilt/loaded comments.
I was suggesting you let him go, really let him go.. as in... do the sweetness and light thing WHILST accepting its over, so not with the agenda of getting back together. Really be his FRIEND. Let him have his decision, be ok about it (in your mood/actions), detach and let go, but LOVINGLY detach. Not cool/cold/businesslike...
I;m not explaining myself very well, but, imagine how you would feel about Dan if you were now dating someone else. Would it bother you when he said he has nowhere to stay? Probably not, you might just say, as you would TO A FRIEND.. oh, sorry to hear that, I hope you sort something out... about him texting/not texting, you might notice but it wouldnt be so much of a big deal. This is how I approached my ex (it wasnt how I really felt) but I let him think we were just friends, I didnt react to his non-contact or any of his whining. I didnt react when he told me he was going skiing with Helen.. I was stunned for a moment, then I said.. well that sounds like a fun thing to do at Christmas, I hope you enjoy skiing. (oh my god, yes, I actually wished him a good holiday, withut mentioning her of course).
I really am not explaining myself, but I think its the one thing you havent tried.. and yes, to really let him feel the force of his decision. Dont present to him a hurt, wounded, or devastated person.. act like you get it, its ok, but be his loving friend. Dont take it personally if he does, or doesnt want to join you and the kids there. Act like he is no longer yours and it doesnt hurt you, or make you mad, or let down etc. Like you accept it and you are now building a friendship.
Or maybe you have tried that? My DB coach even said to say that.. I accept your choice, but I hope we can be friends now..Did you ever get a DB coach? Sorry, I dont remember.
I said act like ! Can you do this? Really let him go, but in a loving, forgiving way? No guilt trips? No shaming him for his poor choices?
Just a suggestion ! On the other hand.. with Dan, he has a history of cheating as you have said here yourself... so like Mike and John are alluding, sometimes, is what you are trying to hang onto really worth it? Could you envisage a lifetime of happiness with him AFTER all of this and really be able to trust him again? I dont know the answer to that.
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
After 90 minutes with my pastor I am officially ready to be 'un-stuck'. My mind is clear I have a path to follow...Dan will feel mercifully free or lost at sea but his reaction is not the reason for my action...
I am following sis, I just know that some things happen when we/YOU are ready and only then. Otherwise, we get the feeling we are doing the wrong thing. If you are "content" with the path you are taking (and I support you 100%), I am glad you got there because what you have been doing sure, as you said, didnt bring you any closer to a happy M.
Stay strong and...get those pon pons out girl!!! Love ya K
Pastor pretty much said as long as porn is an ongoing factor in his life he will never be 'mine'. That was something I hadn't even mentioned to other counselors. The fact that he has said he hates women, that he says women are manipulative, that he cannot trust me, etc etc etc--tons of that can stem from his porn obsession.
I told Pastor I have been trying to keep the ship going for 2 years. He said only you can decide when you want to stop trying to carry it yourself but the fact that you came to see me tells me you have reached a point where you can't/won't do it anymore.
Said I hate the thought of filing and giving up. Pastor said H walked away from YOU the first time he cheated in '99. You didn't walk away from him. The kids know it, he knows it, honestly in a town this small a lot of other people prob. know it too.
Pastor said I have been able to tell by the way H won't make eye contact and by his non-verbal reactions during some of my sermons, he seems lost. He can't hide it from anyone even though he thinks he is.
Pastor said he may love you but the fact that he does so many family things is honestly prob. more out of pride and putting on a show for people than it is about wanting you.
Said he thinks he is getting the best of both worlds, his wife and kids when he wants them and the strippers/porn/possible girlfriends when he wants them.
Said he hates himself and hates his life because he is lost and hurting and as long as porn has a hold on him, among other things, I cannot save him. He has to save himself.
Said if I filed I am Biblically justified to file. I still don't have to but I need to understand that if I do, I am not doing anything wrong.
