Holding onto Hope

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

Thanks for posting. Sorry my posts were a bit confusing. He got mad the morning after his party/movie with OW because I called him out on a lie about it. I didn't bring up OW, just asked if he went to the movie too. He got mad b/c I had looked at their website and even knew there was a movie - snooping he says. He said he just wanted me to leave him alone and stormed out. So I took it as leave him alone forever. Then he called me later that morning to talk. (Side note: I wanted to call him so badly that morning. I finally just said a prayer and told God that I would NOT call H if He would please just convict him to see what he's doing and how it's hurting his family. Not 30 minutes later H called and wanted to see how I was and talk. Wow!) He said that he loves/cares about me, but he's "just not feeling it" for me (meaning "in love" feeling). But he got mad when I interpreted that as he would never feel that type of love and said he did not want me jumping to that conclusion, that he doesn't know 100% what he wants to do. I am concerned because I feel like as long as he is hanging around OW, even if it's just EA and not PA, I don't stand a chance. How can you reconnect with feelings for a spouse if you're giving everything emotionally to someone else? Especially when OW has no kids, is 12 years younger, etc.?!?! So, I thought about giving up. But if OW is still saying it's "just friends" as before, maybe that will buy me some time to try to remind him why he fell for me.

After more thought, I decided I need to hang in here. I think my main boundary is if it ever becomes PA, then I want no part of sleeping together and want him out of the house full time. But how do I know if that happens? The H I used to know would have had the decency to fess up, but I don't know this guy anymore or what his scruples are. And if I continue to sleep in same bed and maybe even ML, does that not go against the advice that we need to make them respect us? I'm so confused when it comes to boundaries, cake eating, etc. I have been over to MLC forum and will go back and read more. Should I start a new post there?

I will be sending him an email about scheduling today, but other than that do not plan to contact him all week. He needs his space and I think it will be good for me too. I just have to get better at not going there with my thoughts of how he's spending his time.

Positive things I've done (journaling):
Joined the Y
Attended 2 workout classes
Treadmilled
Lost more weight (32 lbs so far)
Took my boys swimming
Played PS2 (Dancing with the stars)
Read
Talked more with co-workers
Prayed

Things I want to do:
Workout/treadmill 3-5 times/week (depends on the weekly sched.)
Sleep a full night
Go 2 days without contacting H first
Join Jr. Women's League
Do one thing every day that makes me feel like a better mom (I'm still struggling with crying too much around the boys and being grumpy/short)
Get a spray on tan
Figure out a good 180 that will make me feel fantastic and blow his mind!