So this morning, I woke up and felt like, you know what... I need to start dating. I think that enough is enough, I am young and tired. And damn it, I am getting lonely. I believe in marriage, yes; I want and wish my marriage would work, but I think other people just live and they date and enjoy life. I feel like I'm depriving myself for the unknown. Who knows if my H will be back. He has already developed a life of his own. He has gotten in deep with these people. And I need to like my life. I need to expand my social life. Go on dates, be happy, have entertainment gosh darn it. I like I am young and I just don't want to wait until I'm older to have regrets. So the problem though, who to date. So I called my family and friends this morning telling them that I think its time for me to date so if they know of anyone, I ready to go out have dinner, but no hanky panky.

So this is the funny/strange part, I called my H too. Told him to put the friendship hat on for a minute (something I always tell H when I want to have non-jealous open convos). Anyway I told him like I told everyone else... I'm ready to date and if he knows of anyone decent, single, with no wife or crazy baby-mama to kick my a-s. I even made sure I told him that I told everyone else to look out for me too. I had even called along with my other friends, H's brother and MIL. Why not, they love me and they know that I have given this tons and worked to save the marriage but H is the one that moved on. BIL said he will look out for me. Anyway, so H said he would. But first he said, I told you to wait and I said wait for what? (Is this man insane!!!) I told him that don't be selfish and not hook me up. \:\) Then he went to talking about he knows what to do. We then had a short talk about H being home b/c his son is sick and he's taking him to the doctor (see H has his new life already). I just showed interest and wish that he felt better.

So then later in the morning, H calls back... to say that if I can do him a favor and stop telling everyone that I'm ready to date and I said casually why not, these are people who love and care for me and want me to be happy. I then told him sincerely that I don't want him to feel like I called to tell him that to make him jealous or anything (and honestly I didn't - he moved on and we're friends). Then he said what will happen when he comes back home and he's coming back home, he's working on things and he needs me to trust him. And how he's been doing a lot of thinking and that he knows what he needs to do when he come back home and for us to start a family. I said (and I was firm too but not yelling), H what are you working on, you say a lot of tings but your actions show different. And, no I don't trust you!! And he said can I wait and he'll be back home by the end of the summer, and I said, no that is not fair -I will not put my life on hold like that. Then he went on to say maybe I could just go on a few dates and I stopped him and said no you cannot dictate that. Then he said that maybe him and I could start back dating and I said no I don't want that, I will not go with you with you living where you are. Absolutely not. You would need to move out. He then tried to convince me that we should start to date and I kept saying no way, not under these conditions. He also talked about how he's tired of all the headaches and he wants to get his life together and I said but you are not taken steps to do that. I even told him what was it that we said as children, words are wind.

Anyway, maybe the whole talk was anti-DB but I know H if full of crap and in the past it would have worked with me and I might have been happy after such a conversation but I'm not. H just talks. Oh get this, H even said, all I know is that I love my wife. And I said, how do you show that love. And I said, I know i don't show it, but I do love my wife. Someone please tell me which crack house my H visits on a regular basis. He may not drink a lick but he sure takes crack. \:\)