Validation is important for communication with anybody. And the thing is, most of us practice validation all the time with everybody we come in contact with. Its second nature and fairly easy to do when the R is not tense.

If you were doing some medical task at work and somebody suggested a better way to do it, chances are you wouldnt take is as negative. You would think a co worker was sharing info and wanting to help you out. That is because the R between you and your co worker isnt tense and strained.

When the R is tense and strained (you and W) we tend to pick apart each conversation. Its hard for it to feel natural because things are so "messed up" between you and W.

IMO and experience in dealing with my H I stopped saying "I am sorry you feel that way" and instead would say "I can understand how you would feel that way". The word "sorry" is tossed around too easily and sometimes, for me, I would prefer to have understanding than anything else.

My H has built such a wall around him due to his guilt. Anytime I would mention that in a R talk he would say "sorry you feel that way" and it used to really piss me off. Its only recently that he started saying "I can understand how you feel that way" and it really made a huge difference. Saying your sorry is one thing but showing the other person that you really have thought about it and can understand the other persons point of view. It doesnt mean you agree with it, but at the very least you do understand how they can feel that way.

Like that whole thing you and your W had about the kids and you calling them on her time with them. You told her you disagree which right away made her defensive and instead of saying "I understand" you said "sorry you feel that way". It didnt offer much validation.

You can still validate and have boundaries and not sound pathetic. My H was furious that for months and months I would nto let him come over. To this day he still whines about it. I did validate those feelings by telling him I understand how that might have been hurtful to him but I also told him that as long as he was with OW he wouldnt be coming here. I let him know I understood his frustration but kept my boundary clear. If he wanted me to change my boundary he had to do something different as well. He didnt so my boundary needed to stay firmly in tact. But keeping my boundary in tact didnt mean I couldnt validate his feeilngs even if they sounded crazy to me.