Don't mention her looks the next time. Just let it go, otherwise it would look like you have been thinking about her all this time and pining for her. Don't you think?
As for the next time she is all dressed up. Do what you like. Just don't show your temper. As long as you don't get angry at her then you pretty much have free reign. Nothing forced, just be your friendly self.
I know it's very very hard to navigate through the first stages of separation especially when husbands and wives are really on speaking terms and don't know what to expect. So endless questions of what-to-do will come up. You don't need to check EVERYTHING with us.
General guidelines are: 1) Don't talk about R 2) If you find you are repeating yourself regarding anything, stop, you are nagging 3) Be friendly and look your best 4) Be the best person you can be 5) If you are not sure of anything, don't do anything. Just think it through first. If she asks you anything you are not sure about, just say 'Let me have a good think about it, I'll get back to you later'
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I do not want to monopolise all your time, but if you get a chance and give some feedback on these events.
Thank you PM,
Just to update. On Friday night I picked the children up and my wife told me there was some mail, though what she REALLY wanted to tell me was that there was a letter form the county court. She did not say it, the fact there was a county court stamp on the envelope told the story. I thanked her for giving me the mail, at the time a girlfriend of hers/ours popped round for a chat. I greeted her and she asked me how I was, I responded positively without gushing, she asked if I was going down to the gym which I responded to. Without being arrogant she had obviously noticed which was great for my confidence.
On Saturday my daughter and I had an a small disagreement which resulted in my daughter leaving a voivemail message on my wife's phone at 1000 pm on a Saturday night. The phone was switched off, there was no response from the landline which meant my wife was out all night (which she was). My mind was going into overdrive again which I tried best to banish, then I had a talk with my daughter who then rang my wife again and said she had apologised.
On Sunday (today) I have hust returned from my childrens fun run. Before we left I made sure everything was done including suntan lotion, the only thing I forgot was to bring a jumper for my son. I somehow managed to sign my son into the under 6's rather than the under 8's, but as it is a FUN RUN it doesn't really matter as long as they take part. As a part of my Anticipation thought pattern I thought I would ask my wife to bring the camera to the park to take some shots. She never responded to my text which was unfortunate but I was still pleased I made the effort. When I met up with my wife in the park she barely said a word to me, I had been doing weights at home first thing in the morning, put a crisp white tee-shirt on and looked pretty good. I asked her if she was ok which barely got a response, whereas I was upbeat. I then said I was going to get a hotdog for my son and I asked her if she would like a cup of tea, which she did. By the time I got back she seemed in a better mood and became quite chatty. She still wanted to chastise me for forgetting my sons jumper and the fact I signed him into the wrong race, but before I could say anything all our friends around said it's only a fun run and it does not really matter. I asked her if she had the childrens weekly schedule with her that I had asked for so that I can help in advance, but she said I should know what it is by now. I validated that (as I had done in my text) but said I much prefer to have these things in writing so that I can plan better and be more helpful in advance.
On reflection, I think my wife was expecting me to be in a bad mood because of the court papers, the fact I would have known she had stayed out all night and the fact I was very happy spending time with the children and friends threw her off-guard which resulted in her being more responsive. Small steps, small steps.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, you did quite well. Good for you for keeping upbeat. Remember, I told you that your W will still see what is lacking in your parenting.
Don't worry about it, it's hard to break a long long pattern. Just do what you've been doing and she will notice the difference, believe me.
You really are doing great. Give yourself another big pat on the back!!
As for your W's comment on ' You should know their schedule by now' I think she was embarassed for not bringing the schedule as she said she would, so she went on the attack instead. But you played it cool and didn't let her reel you into an argument, you dodged like a pro, good for you.
You are doing the right things, Mark. Read your goals everyday to remind yourself to keep on track. It really helps.
Best of all, you are officially an ENGAGED DAD now. Give yourself another brownie point!
Check back on you in a couple of days. Best, PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I look forward to hearing from you in a couple of days.
I have just had my wife pick my children up instead of me having to drop them off, she was returning from wherever she had been the night before. She looked good and I acknowledged that. As a part of my new anticipation mindset I washed and ironed the childrens dirty clothes and pygamas from the last couple of days. I also gave them dinner, both of them a shower and hairwash, put their clean pygamas back on ready for bed, saving my wife having to do it when she got home.
I gave her all the childrens things, put the clean clothes into a bag and gave that to her also. She never really acknowledged this other than a 'thank you'. It was the reaction I expected so I was not surprised. She seemed very upbeat, probably because she is now into PA mode, I noticed she was not wearing her wedding rings, clearly these are a thing of the past. I was itching to say something but I didn't. I have a sneaking suspiousion that the OM does not realise she is married with two children, or she feels comfortable in the fact our R is over and she can act like a single woman now. I was dying to ask her but again I didn't.
Lastly, she asked me what the court papers regarding our divorce said, I shrugged it off and said it was just information regarding costs, though inside I felt it was her making sure things were speeding along (it hurts). She seems so sure about all of this and I just now somebody will conviently be unveiled after the divorce when the time is right.
Anyway, her and the children waved goodbye and all seemed to go quite well considering the situation.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I look forward to hearing from you in a couple of days.
I have just had my wife pick my children up instead of me having to drop them off, she was returning from wherever she had been the night before. She looked good and I acknowledged that. As a part of my new anticipation mindset I washed and ironed the childrens dirty clothes and pygamas from the last couple of days. I also gave them dinner, both of them a shower and hairwash, put their clean pygamas back on ready for bed, saving my wife having to do it when she got home.
I gave her all the childrens things, put the clean clothes into a bag and gave that to her also. She never really acknowledged this other than a 'thank you'. It was the reaction I expected so I was not surprised. She seemed very upbeat, probably because she is now into PA mode, I noticed she was not wearing her wedding rings, clearly these are a thing of the past. I was itching to say something but I didn't. I have a sneaking suspiousion that the OM does not realise she is married with two children, or she feels comfortable in the fact our R is over and she can act like a single woman now. I was dying to ask her but again I didn't.
Lastly, she asked me what the court papers regarding our divorce said, I shrugged it off and said it was just information regarding costs, though inside I felt it was her making sure things were speeding along (it hurts). She seems so sure about all of this and I just now somebody will conviently be unveiled after the divorce when the time is right.
Anyway, her and the children waved goodbye and all seemed to go quite well considering the situation.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I look forward to hearing from you in a couple of days.
I have just had my wife pick my children up instead of me having to drop them off, she was returning from wherever she had been the night before. She looked good and I acknowledged that. As a part of my new anticipation mindset I washed and ironed the childrens dirty clothes and pygamas from the last couple of days. I also gave them dinner, both of them a shower and hairwash, put their clean pygamas back on ready for bed, saving my wife having to do it when she got home.
I gave her all the childrens things, put the clean clothes into a bag and gave that to her also. She never really acknowledged this other than a 'thank you'. It was the reaction I expected so I was not surprised. She seemed very upbeat, probably because she is now into PA mode, I noticed she was not wearing her wedding rings, clearly these are a thing of the past. I was itching to say something but I didn't. I have a sneaking suspiousion that the OM does not realise she is married with two children, or she feels comfortable in the fact our R is over and she can act like a single woman now. I was dying to ask her but again I didn't.
Lastly, she asked me what the court papers regarding our divorce said, I shrugged it off and said it was just information regarding costs, though inside I felt it was her making sure things were speeding along (it hurts). She seems so sure about all of this and I just now somebody will conviently be unveiled after the divorce when the time is right.
Anyway, her and the children waved goodbye and all seemed to go quite well considering the situation.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, WAS are going to do what they are going to do. Let it go. She has decided to take the journey the easy way, i.e. escapism, rather than do the work of rebuilding a M now. Be patient, you will need A LOT of patience. Just like watching your child play, you have to let them fall before they can get back up. You can't prevent them from falling. You just can't.
So glad you didn't ask about her life. She is going to see it as pursuing and you sticking your nose into her business which is a big turnoff right now. No need to try to work out the inner workings of her mind, you will drive yourself crazy! OK?
Work on you.
As yourself, what will make me a better person? What will give me great happiness? Is it making a difference in my community (volunteer work, try it, it really works!) Or is it making myself look healthy again (improving looks always gives an instant lift of self-esteem). Or is it doing something great for the people I love? (I know it sounds corny but people love getting letters in this age of electronic everything). How about sitting down and writing gratitude letters to your family members? E.g. Mom and Dad. All too often, we leave until the last minute to say what is in our hearts (e.g. on death bed etc) and we waste all of our lives pretending we don't care but in actuality too embarassed to show our vulnerable sides.
Write gratitude letters to your family, maybe even your children. Kids LOVE getting notes! Start now. Who knows, maybe you will get one back yourself.
But I would NOT write one to your W now, bad timing.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I have question. I have asked this before but I never really got a definitive answer. My wife got my son to ask me if he and my daughter could stay over with me after I give them my dinner on Wednesday. I know my wife got my son to ask me as it pulls more on my heart strings, she also knew I have a football night out planned with some friends.
In her selfish WAW mode she clearly wants me to have the children overnight so that she can spend the night out with OM. I feel angry this is the case as it fuels her affair, on the other hand I so want to spend as much time with my children as I can. The only reason I had them stay over last week was the fact I am out of work at the moment, so it is easy for me to let them sleep over and then I can take them to school the following morning. I think we need to keep them to the schedule we had agreed - every other weekend and dinner every Wednesday. Last week my wife used the old 'lets use the children to get my own way' trick by saying I have the opportunity to spend time with them but I chose not too. This is totally unfair and very hurtful. I cannot believe she is using the children like this, even if she is in WAW state.
I can easily cancel my night out but I also do not want to feel like a glorified babysitter for my wife.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
