"I can control a situation under normal circumstances. It is when my wife turns up ready for an evening I find the hardest, especially when she is making so much effort for somebody else."
Yes - yes, yes!!! I can relate to this!
There have been times when my W has come to mine to pick up my S7 when, well, lets say it her G-string has been quite obvious...Grrrrr....
But hey -what are you going to be able to do about it???
Thing is -you need to DETACH DETACH DETACH ...
I appreciate that is easier said than done...but the effort you put into this at the moment will have results...if not in terms of your R - but def in terms of your well-being....
And in view of your sitch at the moment - that is going to be a good thing...
K guys... As a woman, I feel like maybe I can point out some things to you. Heres my disclaimer: Im not trying to make excuses for anyones behavior, only to maybe offer some explanations that you may not have thought of.
You mentioned that your W was wearing perfume and was made up. Dont we tell people here that when you arent feeling good, make sure that you look great? Even the men, make sure that you are shaved, smell good, wear clean clothes. And with the underwear thing, again, Im not offering anything but my point of view here, I have been told right here on these boards, and I have told other people to go out and get some sexy new undies. I dont think that men have the same relationship as women with their undergarments, but when women have a pair of panties that they know look good, they just feel a little bit better.
Maybe shes doing some reverse DBing.
Im sorry that you are having a hard time right now, and I think that we all wish that our spouses would just stop what they have been doing. But keep growing and being an excellent father. You cant control what she does, just make sure that you are in control of what you do.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Its going be hard - but this anticipation gig is everything -if you want your W to trust you -that's where to start...
I'm presuming you were cr@p at it -like me...now you have an insight...Mark if you can pull this off you're into a win/win situation....
As in - your kids win -you win.... -whatever comes out of that is a bonus - right?
The posters above have been right in busting you for being a DAM (Dumb Ass Man, which I offer as a complete former dyed in the wool DAM myself) but now you have the knowledge and tools to be a better man - right?
Thank you for your insight, it is always great to get a womans perspective on things.
Simon,
I think I am making a good start at Anticipating, therefore I will continue to do this for the children, for it to become natural (which is going to be hard for me), to inprove as a father and as you quite rightly said, anything else will be a bonus.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Just spend 5 mins x 3 times a day...morning noon and night...
What are your kids doing, today, tomorrow and the next day ? Make sure that you get in a supply of generic birthday cards, generic books which will serve as birthday presents or have a Tescos nearby that can supply such, cellotope and always keep a supply of juice, pizzas and fruit in..
Keep on top of their need for school uniform, read to them, have fun...HAVE FUN!!!
Do you play any sports? Play outdoors with them!!! Your S is likely to want to learn some football skills...your D is likely to want to learn some netball skills - go to the park!
I'm sh!t at all of that but far better H is is!!! Its your enthusiasm and willingness to get stuck in that counts - not many dads are - and believe me when you do your kudos rises immensely! Too many dads have their heads stuck up their backsides and can't even see what they have...
Mark - you have a chance here to break free from all of that...
I'll give you an example:-
Last week -I was drafted in by my W to go to "Chocolate Bingo" - cos she was doing -well heaven knows what -it was on a Friday Night...now - in England - who can name me a man who would want to do that on a Friday night??? But it was fine...actually I really really enjoyed myself!!! I just let it all go and got on with it...pissed that we didn't win mind!
Mark- you can do the same...let it all go...
And that's so easy for me to say I know...but I'm where you were 2 years ago - and I wished I had...
You are so lucky. You are continually getting great advice on this BB.
As for your wife showing up all nice and look like ready to go out, you got some great advice there as well.
Here is what my BFF said to me, 'What really gets you, PM, are the surprises, right?' I thought about it and thought that she was absolutely right. It didn't upset me so much anymore that my H was seeing someone else, I knew it already but what REALLY got my goat were the unannouced surprises.e.g calling up to cancel vistations last minute; going away with OW on vacation; not answering phone calls from kids.
So do you know what she adviced me to do?
LOWER EXPECTATIONS. LOWER THEM SO LOW THAT MY EXPECTATIONS ARE LOWER THAN A PREGNANT ANT.
I don't expect anything from H now. I don't expect him to show up on time or be a good dad or pay attention to what the kids are doing or anything.
I expect nothing. So if he does anything for the kids, it's a nice surprise.
My expectations were tying me down. I wanted my H to do certain things and he didn't do them so I was MAD. Now I expect nothing so it's much better for MY peace of mind. And when he DOES do something nice for the kids or for me (like calling in advance), I thank him from my heart because I wasn't expecting it. It improves our interaction 100%.
How to lower expectations? Think the opposite of what you would normally think. E.g. You think she will usually answer the kids' calls, expect the opposite. You think your W would be home at midnight, expect that she won't. You think that she would be miserable everyday without you - Expect that she is having a good time (albeit an escapism one, not a REAL Happiness good time). ANTICIPATE that your W will not do what you EXPECT her to do.
I don't know what your W is thinking and it all doesn't matter as a matter of fact. What is important now is YOU. How YOU can achieve peace of mind and eventually happiness again. You have the preconception that you can only be happy if your W came back. No, it is a WANT, not a NEED. You are still suffering from shock so I totally understand. Mark, you don't NEED anyone to make you happy. You make yourself happy, OK? And when you are happy and well-adjusted, your kids will pick up on that and mimic you.
So stop wondering what your W is doing. It really doesn't matter now. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. That's what my DB Coach said. Accept that your M is now very messy. Accept that your W is acting unpredictably. Accept it, don't fight it.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 05/04/0902:10 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I was really waiting for your response and I thank you for the advice.
What bothers me is that she now turns her phone off when she is out, so if (god forbid) one of the children got ill or had to go to the hospital I could not reach her. In the past if I had done this she would have gone mad. How can she be so flippant with the children? I can understand it with me...but the children.
I also noticed last night the very poor excuse she gave me in regard to her phone not having a charger all of a sudden. It seems to me she does not really care as long as she can get to the OP as soon as possible.
On a 180 front should I have complimented her on the way she looked? This would have been a 180 for me but in DR it says do not compliment as it looks like pursuing. Can I make a delayed compliment later when I take the children back, do I approach her about the phone as to me this would also look like Anticipation for next time, but it would appear to my wife as DEFINATE pursuing.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I know what you mean about the telephone. My H does exactly the same thing. Only it happened when I had to go to hopsital. I called him around midnight, he didn't pick up. I called up a friend and she took me instead.
So here is what you need to do.
DON'T COUNT ON HER.
ANTICIPATE EMERGENCIES, OK?
How? Have a list of people on the side of your fridge to call. The emergency numbers for fire/ambulance/police. Your family, close friends, W's phone number, pediatrician, local hospitals. Print them out BIG and CLEAR because in an emergency, your mind is racing and you CANNOT focus.
Then train your children to dial the numbers when/if something happens to you or one of them. You need to rely on yourself and your kids now. Have a plan in place. It's never too early to teach your kids how to contact emergency numbers.
Next, have a calm conversation with your W when the time is right. Tell her again, I would like this separation to be as smooth as possible for the kids. I know your time is important to you but would it be possible to set up an emergency notification system between us in case there is an emergency? e.g. Emergency SMS - e.g. 911 kids (or such) with emergency with kids. Then don't abuse this system. Use it only for real emergencies.
Now, if you say that you are really concerned about the kids then the suggestions I made will have calmed your fears. But if I guess correctly, you are actually still keen on your W being faithful and you want to keep tabs on her, in which case, I am sorry I didn't help ;-)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
