WAW1 - Anticipation

[PositivelyMommy]

Mark,

You are so lucky. You are continually getting great advice on this BB.

As for your wife showing up all nice and look like ready to go out, you got some great advice there as well.

Here is what my BFF said to me, 'What really gets you, PM, are the surprises, right?' I thought about it and thought that she was absolutely right. It didn't upset me so much anymore that my H was seeing someone else, I knew it already but what REALLY got my goat were the unannouced surprises.e.g calling up to cancel vistations last minute; going away with OW on vacation; not answering phone calls from kids.

So do you know what she adviced me to do?

LOWER EXPECTATIONS. LOWER THEM SO LOW THAT MY EXPECTATIONS ARE LOWER THAN A PREGNANT ANT.

I don't expect anything from H now. I don't expect him to show up on time or be a good dad or pay attention to what the kids are doing or anything.

I expect nothing. So if he does anything for the kids, it's a nice surprise.

My expectations were tying me down. I wanted my H to do certain things and he didn't do them so I was MAD. Now I expect nothing so it's much better for MY peace of mind. And when he DOES do something nice for the kids or for me (like calling in advance), I thank him from my heart because I wasn't expecting it. It improves our interaction 100%.

How to lower expectations? Think the opposite of what you would normally think. E.g. You think she will usually answer the kids' calls, expect the opposite. You think your W would be home at midnight, expect that she won't. You think that she would be miserable everyday without you - Expect that she is having a good time (albeit an escapism one, not a REAL Happiness good time).

ANTICIPATE that your W will not do what you EXPECT her to do.

I don't know what your W is thinking and it all doesn't matter as a matter of fact. What is important now is YOU. How YOU can achieve peace of mind and eventually happiness again. You have the preconception that you can only be happy if your W came back. No, it is a WANT, not a NEED. You are still suffering from shock so I totally understand. Mark, you don't NEED anyone to make you happy. You make yourself happy, OK? And when you are happy and well-adjusted, your kids will pick up on that and mimic you.

So stop wondering what your W is doing. It really doesn't matter now. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. That's what my DB Coach said. Accept that your M is now very messy. Accept that your W is acting unpredictably. Accept it, don't fight it.