oh, and I'm sorry MB, I forgot about the tennis and walking too. Your doing good.
and were you being funny about ignoring me???
fyi, because you WERE so on your H before, chasing and chasing him, so this means you have longer to go in repairing. I hardly did any chasing because I got lucky and found DB within a month of finding out. So, just keep that in mind.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Ok... I am sitting here reading and thinking what can she do different.... you are both so busy with kid stuff you've lost each other.
I know we want our kids to do everything but honestly, it's a distraction right now for both of you from what should be seemingly more important. Can you take a season off or slow it down in order to help save your marriage.
I know you can present it to him that way... but honestly with him home only on weekends and all ya'll do is kids sports stuff there is no time for ya'll as a couple... it might take some doing to get to that point but it would be a 180. I see every interaction always has to do with the kids... so what if ya'll didn't have that and had to do things just around the house during a weekend. a
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Or even find other moms that can take turns taking the kids or something, and then you guys can have a couple hours of alone time.
What Sandy just said is one of the reasons marriages quit, because we get to busy and don't have time for the relationship. It's so easy to be centered around our kids with all their activities, but the marriage should always come first.
and 3 proms???? I didn't even get to go to one. but that's a long long story.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Sandy and ST make a good point. Was just thinking the same thing when I read your update on Sat.
S12: Track meet with 6 events, then soccer tournament. S9: 3 soccer games D17: prom
Holy cow and THAT all in ONE day? When's the last time you and H went on a date?
You said that you 2 are missing the emotional and physical intimacy. But you also say that H seeks you out to tell you things and seeks your opinion on things. I think that shows an emotional connection, doesn't it? You are missing the physical part tho.
Reading up on your sitch and then thinking about my own sitch, I am starting to see a lot of similarities. My W moved out in June last year because we were missing the physical intimacy also. The emotional connection has always been there, and is still there, albeit somewhat subdued. She said she thought moving out would help bring her "feelings" back. It hasn't so far. But, almost 3 months ago, she's stopped taking her meds that have made her really depressed in the last year (you can read the details on my thread). Now, it seems as though our connection is growing stronger in the past couple of months.
All this to say that the dates W and I went on earlier on didn't really do much because she wasn't that interested (maybe she was fearing R talk, which I never did initiate on any of our dates btw). Now she's interested in going on dates, so maybe it will do something for the sitch now?
Does your H seem to be interested in spending alone time with you? Do you think he's fearing a big R discussion when he's alone with you?
Even if he doesn't seem interested, why not ask him out on a date? When's the last time you did that? Something low-key like a movie or something?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, I know she can't have the "do you want a date approach" but, I think we need to figure out how she can get him on a "this is not a date, but a coincidence that we are alone" date. Know what I mean.
MB at this point can't and shouldn't ask him out specifically. But they do need consistent time alone with no pressure of I'm doing this to save the marriage. Refresh my memory.... are ya'll sleeping in the same room/bed?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I agree. We have TOO much to do re: kids activities.
IMMEDIATE "FIX" - LAST track meet tomorrow. LAST prom Saturday night.
SPRING "FIX" - Club soccer ends mid-June. Summer activities are during the day, or out of town (sports camps @ universities), and don't impede on our weekends.
I laughed when I read your posts. We do sound kind of whacked, huh? It's usually not THAT bad. S9 had a tournament this weekend, so it's four games instead of one/two, and we don't always have one of THREE proms!
Date? Hmmmm.... H isn't the type to pursue a date, and I haven't as it was not really appropriate to the situation in the past 3-6 months. I've been in a digging us out of a hole mode, and he's been in a toleration of the situation mode.
However, I will say... he does seek me out to watch some shows on TV w/him (but, because he knows I like them... not sure if it's because he wants to watch them w/me.)
This weekend D17 has HER prom, and (as I mentioned) she's on prom court. So, we're sending S12 w/a teammate to his away soccer game, and S9 to his friend's house overnight, so we can go to the prom's Senior Walk and crowning of the Prom Queen/King. We're then going to dinner w/my BFF and her H (that H enjoys). D17 and friends are coming here afterwards as we live on the river, have a bonfire pit, and a basement w/a pub/game room, big tv, etc... Some are staying overnight (separate boys from girls, of course!), so BFF and her H are coming to help chapparrone since they'll be inside and outside, and we don't need any "issues" this close to graduation!
So we've freed up Saturday day, and H and I will have some "adult time" albeit with the BFF and H, but they're fun, and upbeat, and a good couple "example"!
D17 goes off to college in August, so we'll be (hopefully) dealing with less girl teen drama.
H and I do both sleep in the same bed, rarely touching. Funny story... I went and bought new undergarments and a nightgown. I put it on last night, prior to going to watch TV with him. I wish you could have seen the look on his face. Not sure it was a welcome sight or not, but definitely left an impression! (Appropriate in front of the kids, but not ur usual jammie boxers and a tank!) But, just for the record. I know it looked cute!
Another small improvement is that he keeps increasing his time at home. He was gone from Sunday night through late Friday night/early Sat am, with a few hours home on a Wednesday. (ALL 2008, PRIOR TO DB'ING) Then a few months ago, he started staying home every other Sunday night, and leaving on Monday afternoon. Then awhile later he started getting home on Wednesdays in the afternoon, and staying until midnight sometimes. And, the past few weeks he's been staying home every week through Monday afternoon. (He's been hiring someone to coordinate his drivers - owns a trucking company - these times he is staying home now.)
I hear it in his voice that he's happier at home now. He has a distinct "I'm happy and content - teasing" tone in what he says and how he acts. The saddest part of all is that he still doesn't look at me with any real warmth or want. It breaks my heart to the core.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
when he sees me or talks to me, I'm still almost always "done" w/a nice outfit on, hair done, etc... upbeat, and pleasant, and I do nice things for him (buy things he might want to take with him when he travels, make dinners he likes when he's here so he doesn't have to eat out all the time, etc...).
I try and delay D17 drama conversations/punishments for when he's not here, if he doesn't need to be involved (because she'll run to him immediately).
And, I try to get most of the "busy-work" errands and stuff out of the way during the week when he's gone, so I'm not running around doing nonsense when he's here. I want him to enjoy being home.
And, I'm really trying on this financial stuff. My next job is to tackle D17's college financial situation. I need to have some of it handled legally (my H and I married when she was 3), so I want it all handled and I can present to H what I have done to take this off of his shoulders (he usually does all of this kind of stuff, but has such limited time at home, hard to do...).
And, lastly, I'm trying to show him that it's not that important to me to really need the luxuries in life that he felt pressured to provide. We gave up our country club membership in the Spring of last year. (Couldn't get there anyhow with all of these darn soccer games! LOL) My shopping habit has dramatically improved. And, I think he's getting that I won't "require" such a luxurious home if ours would sell (In fact he was showing me a home he found for us to consider that was 2x what I would think of spending...). I told him it was beautiful, but only if it was a deal, and we loved it. I had come to think a nice 4-bedroom two-story in a nice/NORMAL neighborhood behind the Jr High/High school would be just fine, considering both boys will be there starting next year for the next eight years or so!
So, we'll see.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
His cell phone is ALWAYS attached to him, on silent or vibrate. This is a bit of a change, but totally explainable. Drivers call and/or txt him all the time, at all times of the day/night.
His whereabouts are almost always explainable. I can hear what's going on in the background when I talk to him, and, his i-pass (toll box) account comes to me. I see where he's been, and there isn't anything that adds up to being inconsistent. And, his clothing is not exactly thought out when he leaves for work. And, he's a snappy dresser, outside of work.
Just probably stupid fear.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
