Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Thanks for the input, to be clear, I really don't think she is having an EA or PA at this time, even though I really can't 'prove' that, but there are no signs at all she is in that space.

She is just stating she is not in love with me anymore, and doesn't see herself ever loving me in that way again.

She's always around the kids, and at home, rarely goes out, works with my daughter at home.

I also have to trust her answer that she is not, when I have asked her, I also asked the counselor about this when I was by myself, and she agrees that there does not seem to be any other EA/PA for her..

[pearlharbr]

I second PortlandDad, everyone has bad days so just pick yourself up and resolve to do better in the future.

You cannot tell your W about your changes. She won't believe you and/or she will think that you're only doing this to salvage a R she does not want. You just live the changes and she will notice whether she says anything or not. Actions speak louder than words. And it will take time for her to believe that the changes are real and lasting.

[iwantittowork]

Day 4:
Thanks for you valued input pearlhabr and PortlandDad, it's helping me to stay focused, even when I slip up, which I did again last night.

I was putting some things on our calendar last night, and saw that she had new appointments set up to get a breast enhancement done. She had been talking about this for the past few months, and I was shocked when it came up then. Is this part of an MLC? Do I have MLC+WAW, or maybe they just go together?

I didn't say anything about that, but I know that got my anxiety up, and I slipped up later and asked again if she had an OM. She flipped on me, and told me she doesn't need any men in her life. I took a few minutes aside to compose myself again, then apologized for even asking, that it was unfair of me, and comes from my insecurity.

Unfortunately, that was the only interaction we really had last night, but today is a new day, so looking to dust off again, and start fresh.

I know I am dreading this weekend, the first really after the big bombshell, and just need to somehow clear my mind of it, and work on GAL for this weekend, and putting time in with my D.

From my journal, I didn't have as good a day yesterday as the first few, but I was able to:

Talk to a stranger, met a guy from Austria in the gym, who moved over this year to work for a company in the facility. Its interesting to meet people from overseas, so that was an interesting quick chat.

I ordered a meditation demo CD, as I really want to try to meditate and work on my thoughts and though processes, should be in next week..

Changed an appt to discuss finances with my accountant, as I was not ready for it, I need to put all my financial papers together and then get together with him.

[clueless]

Remember to take it easy on yourself. This is not a sprint. It is a marathon.

[iwantittowork]

Last night was one of the worst nights, I came home from work, having stopped to grab 'yes man' to watch, put my daughter to bed, and then started the movie, when my W informed me she was getting a mediator, so that we could get things split up, and then I could move out.

I told her that I didn't want to move out, but that she was free to leave whenever she wanted. I maintained my coolness throughout the conversation, but she went absolutely balastic, and said the most hateful things I have ever heard her say. Luckily, I was able to just ignore those, after working on reading everything that has been written here, and the current place I am in.

I told her, I took responsibility for all of the things I have done wrong, that I was not being hateful or spiteful, but that I was also not the one that wanted to split up the family.

I thought I was calm and collected, but we had not noticed that my daughter was still awake, and she was crying in bed. That was the most awful thing that I have ever done to her. We were able stop, and just support our daughter until she fell asleep.

I had to go in the garage and cry my heart out for about 1/2 hour.

This morning, I am resolved, I love my W much, but that she is free to leave, but that I will not be a doormat on the way out, but I will also not be spiteful. We won't do that in front of our daughter again. She will probably get a lawyer, and because I am the father they will probably get what they want in the end, but I won't just roll over and walk out, leaving my daughter to feel it's me that has given up on this family.

Oddly, the W went out for coffee this morning, and brought me back one as well.

[kara]

Hi

I don't have much advice since I am new to this as well. I'm praying for you and for all of us. Sounds like you are doing well, all things considered. The pain and the grief will hit you at various times and there is nothing you can do about it but ride it out. This is just a process we all have to endure but we will get to the other side. At least you are making very positive GAL moves and that will help.

I think one of the best things we can do is be calm and dignified in these situations while we GAL.

[antlers]

I think one of the best things we can do is be calm and dignified in these situations.

Easy to say...harder to do...but good advice nonetheless.

[iwantittowork]

I have not written in much over the weekend, but this am I am really frustrated and just venting a bit.

First, after big issue on Friday night, Saturday I spent most of the day with my D, though all of us were at a school function with my D most of the morning. W was cordial and seemed fine. I took my D shopping, out to dinner, and stopped by the book store we like to go to on occasion to leaf through some books, and share a drink from the cafe.

I then notice that my W has shown up at the book store too, she knows we are there, as she parked right next to us. She does not even bother to come over to say hi to us, so I leave it be, but when it's time to go, I have my D at least say good bye to her. I am cordial in return, but really steamed at this type of behavior, but I don't show it. And work it out myself on the way home and after putting D to bed.

I then started to watch 'Yes Man' to keep myself busy, and try and have a laugh, and the W comes home, and watches it with me. It is a funny movie, so we are both laughing through the whole thing, and then the W heads to bed, and wish each other good night.

Sunday, she asks if we want to go to watch our stepson race, so I agree if I am not going to be in her way, or causing any issues, so we go, I focus on having fun watching something I like, and hanging out with my D, and watching my SS have a good race day, take us out to eat on the way home and put my D to bed when we get there as it's late.

I notice this morning an email from my W, that was the first thing she did when we got home late last night, send an email with the Divorce Mediator information that she wants to go to. Man is that a bummer to come up to first thing on a new week, so just writing all this down to vent a little. I still didn't let this bother me when I was at home, and just wished them both a great day at school/work.

Things I have done for me over the weekend (Other than what I mentioned above)
Setup massage therapy appt for mid week, as I need to try and compliment the work my Chiropractor does on Saturdays on a pinched nerve/back issue I have had for several months. I am sure that this added stress is no help for this issue..

[iwantittowork]

It truly does seem like I am married to an Alien at times, I can't escape the wrongs that I have done in the past 15 years together, but still I am perplexed at where this is all going..

She seems to have in her mind, some kind of single utopia that she is headed for , she keeps saying things over the weekend, and the past few months, about how she's going to take up windsurfing lessons this summer, and rock climbing, and music and dance and become a greater spiritual person, and free spirit with no boundaries.

Some of this doesn't even seem based in reality to me, how is she going to do all this with three kids, a dog, 2 divorces behind her after we split up? Am I supposed to just shuffle out the door and her life, and then just bust my butt to pay and hand over my hard work so she can do all this?

Sorry to vent like this, I know it's probably not healthy, but my D is going to pay the worst out of this, and I just don't want that to happen. I know I can find another love, or date in the future, and I will be fine, as I am already a changing man, but there is NOTHING that will replace the father/mother relationship that will be broken by all this, and I would do nearly anything to prevent it..

Well, I need to turn my thinking around now today, after dumping all that down....

[iwantittowork]

I bought my D and myself matching gold necklaces this weekend, mine white gold, hers yellow, both are two chains intertwined.

I told her that like the chains intertwined, no matter what happens, we will always be together, even when I am at work, or not around, she can remember by keeping this special chain between us.

I needed to do this for myself, and she held mine and put her love into it, and I will wear this chain every day as a symbol and reminder to myself of her, and her love, and why I must maintain my strength throughout this..