Hi all, Just really confused for right now. I found out just a little over a week ago that my wife of 8 years, and best friends for a total of 15 years had an affair with another man. I did catch it early on in the affair, and I don't believe it was going on that long.
I was completely blindsided. We have 3 kids age 5 and under. Through the ups and downs of the emotions I have been unwavering in my support for our marriage, and my very strong intent to work through the problem(s) with my wife, and have tried communicating that to the best of my ability. I have been reading here, in the middle of reading The Divorce Remedy, talked with people etc. But really....I just don't get it.
I feel there is no sense of remorse, and in a place that I am questioning everything from, is this the first time, to are my kids really mine?!, I really need to feel just a little security.
I really can't get a good answer about anything right now. Obviously there was a reason that it happened. I, and we, are by no means perfect. We have improved so many things, and overcome so many obstacles over the years, and I don't feel like we are done. This is another opportunity we have been given to overcome and be stronger. But I can't get out of her what it is that was so bad, or made so unhappy. I have no examples of what it was that we failed at, and that it got to this point. Only the standard lines of "im not in love with you, and never was", "i resent you for so many things" or "im so angry at you". But she won't tell me why or what she is so resentful and angry for. Not one example. So I feel like I just can't win.
I have been trying to gently steer this into looking at the current situation, and moving forward. Finding some solid ground to start from. But I can't see that helping at all either right now. And perhaps, my vision is just not that clear with so many questions that I feel need answered. After over a week of this, I still just don't know where to even start.
Welcome. Sorry that you find yourself here but I think if you stick around you will find an awful lot of support.
The hardest thing for you to do right now is to stop putting the focus on her. You want answers and you may never get them. You will have to get to a point where you will be ok with that. Try to get yourself to a good spot mentally because this is not a short ride. Try to do some things just for your own well being whether that is jogging, meeting for dinner with friends or the gym.
If you continue to put the focus on her, it will drag you down so quickly and you will start to do things like begging and pleading. I've been there. I became someone I didn't want to know and I was miserable. No wonder he didn't want to stay.
The big thing here to remember is that the only person that you really have any control over is you. Make yourself an attractive choice, make yourself the choice.
keep posting.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sorry you find yourself here...its a horrible place to have to come to, but at least you will find good company with some real good advice.
You said you "caught" the affair early on and you don't believe it was going on that long. IMO, you don't know just everything yet. If this has just now come out, there is still a lot you don't know.
Please do all the reading you can about affairs and how they are similar to addiction. An addict cannot really explain to you what was so bad about their lives that they threw it all away for drugs/gambling/alcohol/whatever. Addicts do not really have a "reason" for why this happens. This is not to say that your W doesn't have her reasons for getting into an affair and some of those reasons were part of your marriage issues....but what I am meaning is that you are asking someone who is in the withdrawal stages of their "drug" (if the affair is in fact stopped now) to tell you how they could choose their drug over you. An addict cannot answer this question until they are clean again.
I feel you have every right to question whether your kids are yours or not...but not right now. Those talks will come along soon.
Who was her OM? (other man)
How did they meet?
If they work together, do they still work together?
How long did it go on and what details has she told you so far?
How did you find out, did she confess or did you stumble on something?
The answers to these questions will help us help you.
Thanks for the replies and support. It is helpful, because you my gosh, you feel ALONE sometimes in this. So far, both replies make sense, and I need to "process" them a little more.
OM was a married father of one of the kids that went to our kids school.
They met dropping the kids off every morning. Innocent flirting, that one day led to my wife deciding to give him her e-mail address. To which they exchanged everything from tame, to highly sexual e-mails, phone calls, and meetings in the park while the kids were at school.
The flirting started, and went on for an unknown period of time. The meetings in the park, and e-mails were a little over two weeks.
I stumbled in the internet history looking for something legitimate, seeing just the subject lines of e-mails that were traded that were highly suggestive, and did not come from me.
Approaching the subject very delicately since I did not have much proof, but just a bad feeling, I asked about what I saw, and she denied to know what I was talking about. It was purposely and VERY non accusing. Letting that answer slide for a few hours, I tried asking again, pressing a little harder, when she broke down and told me at a very high level what was going on. I have not contacted him, although I did see the e-mails on my own a few days later. I was able to copy the ones that I needed just in case they would ever be needed down the road.
It obviously took time, and was not always this way, but after 15 years of being best friends and 8 years of being their spouse, I had 100% trust in her, no matter the problem. I never had any reason to question what may be going on in these regards, so even asking anything now, as much as I need, and it hurts, it's very hard to do and sometimes feel overwhelmingly guilty about it.
In the spirit of the board, and wanting to contribute myself...
It has been a quiet couple of days. Trying to focus, and stay focused. It is hard when you are a instant result type of person!
One thing that has been helpful was to work out and run. I have not done that for years (like 15!). It felt great to know I could still do it, and I'm making myself better and happier for me while trying to be patient and work the problem.
She really wants her space, and work things out in her head, and does not want to talk about it. I don't understand that, but I want to do that and be patient, but it is NOT one of my strong suites. So keep busy I must.
I just wanted to sat kodoos to you for wanting to try to make your M work. I just recently found out about what my H was doing behind my back. (cheating regulary, 3somes, trying to meet with my sister for sex , and an internet porn profile). Unlike you, I did not give my H a chance to explain. He had cheated on me in our first year of dating and I forgave him then and do not think that I could forgive him again or rebuild what I thought we had or ever trust him again. I filed for a divorce and had the papers served last tuesday.
I know some of the things that may have led up to my H's cheating but either way he still made the decision for himself. I found it very hard to believe that I stood in the same church as him and said the same vows as him. We have only been married 3 years, together for 6.
If you are really committed to making this work and tryign to get past your wife's affair it may be in the best interest to suggest counceling for the both of you. Perhaps she would feel better talking to a C than to you about the reasons why she strayed. Perhaps she may feel like you will ridicule her, not understand, get upset, take it the wrong way, or that she doesn't yet know why she did what she did. (Not saying you will do any of these things) A MC may help bring it out in discussions.
I am sorry that you are going through this in your life. Like you I have young children (not my H's though) and I have been fully committed and faithful to my H. I know what you are feeling at this time. I know how it is comsuming your every thought every waking moment of the day. Please continue to find things to do that will help you get your mind off of it and continue to come here.
I don't know how to put links on here for you to read my story but it is titled, still losted in Iowa. Maybe reading other peoples stories can help you too.
Take it a day at a time and don't push to get all the answers now. Read Michelle's part on getting past the infidility of a spouse. you may find answers there too.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I feel there is no sense of remorse, and in a place that I am questioning everything from, is this the first time, to are my kids really mine?!, I really need to feel just a little security.
Once you have that doubt in your head it needs to be stamped out immediately!! Get a DNA test done...its easy and cheap....just a swab in the check of the kids by the doctor.!!!
Thanks for the throughts and replies. I'll be sure to check your thread lost-n-Iowa. In a sense, it does feel better that your not alone in how you feel.
Originally Posted By: lost-n-Iowa
I know some of the things that may have led up to my H's cheating but either way he still made the decision for himself.
I keep trying to convince myself of this fact. It was not perfect, and there was a lot I could or have done that did not help along the way. But I didn't make the choice to stray. Sounds easy. I'm looking very deep within myself to try and figure it out, since I don't have the answers or even help from her. Some things are obvious, some not so much!
We are seeing a pro marriage counsoler this Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. I THINK she is too. I have been trying to find a pro marrige counsoler from almost day one, and at most, the soonest we could be seen was the end of may! It appears we are not the only ones that need help!
Quote:
Perhaps she may feel like you will ridicule her, not understand, get upset, take it the wrong way, or that she doesn't yet know why she did what she did. (Not saying you will do any of these things) A MC may help bring it out in discussions.
Probably all of the above in some form! Great point. I just want to understand.
This is probably going to sound dumb, but on top of working out and running, I am getting a different haircut, dressing better instead of just thorwing on a tee shirt and hat, contacts instead of glasses etc. I guess doing things that will make me feel better about myslef, just for myself instead of doing what is routine, normal, and with someone else in mind 24x7. Sounds selfish.
It doesn't sound dumb, it sounds pretty natural and normal. I found myself going to a sexy shop to by $250 worth of bras to make myself feel better about myself and my body before my h was found out to be cheating. I was feeling like I must not be pretty enough and attractive enough because of the things that I was having doubts about before bomb dropped. (Like him telling me that if i did not put out then he would find someone who would). Though I did like what the bras did for me, it did not change the fact that he was addicted to sex and it did not make a difference in his cheating.
Anyway what I learned from that shopping spree and dressing a bit nicer and sexier....My H and other men still looked at me like 'i had it'. That is a self estemm booster to anyone. All people need boosters. If you are feeling better about yourself from the inside then it will show on the outside too. Alot of people find themselves doing exactly what we have done trying to get that self esteem builder back. I think that it is good you are getting out of the 'routine' and thinking about what YOU want. This will show her that you still care about the simple things. It is not selfish to do these things.
I am glad to hear that you are going to a pro marriage councelor. They are more open minded about the techniques to help your M and hopefully to fix it instead of leading it to a D. I went to a councelor at one time and she just kept asking me why I did not leave my H.
Stay positive. Keep doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Rebuild the person that you kow you can be. By doing these things maybe she will see the man that she fell in love with. Though my H has cheated and lied to me, I still love the man that I fell in love with and married. Unfortuantly with my sitch, I do not think I will find that man again. I hope that your wife finds that man in you again, that you find that woman in you wife again, and that you both can forgive and forget the things that may have led up to this affair.
I will keep checking in on you. Also I figured out that my sitch is under 'still getting nowhere fast'. I am not savvy with this site yet. lol
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I think I have discovered my wife is having PA as I have our two children this weekend as we are seperated and she has stayed over at 'friends' houses the last two nights. She made excuses that she is uncontactable these last two nights via mobile and has not left a landline to contact her. She dropped off my S7 last night at 5.00pm and was dressed up to go somewhere, her hair was done, she was wearing nice underwear (from what I could see) and was in quite a hurry to get away. I do not have any proof whatsoever but it looks very strange to me. I have not approached her about anything as DR says but it is really chewing me up.
I have received great support and advice as you are here. Concentrate on you and the children. At least you know the OP you are dealing with. I have no idea, therefore I cannot try to be the 'better man', though at the moment it would be a waste of time anyway. She is fast tracking to divorce (7 weeks) and I believe she will wheel the OP out a couple of months after that so that it was oh so 'natural'. I feel like she is treating me like an idiot and a fool, but all I can do is concentrate on me and the children.
Good luck to you, I am told patience is the most important thing we need to have, I am lousy at it but it must be done.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
