Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Hi Virginia,
Your insight is appreciated. As much as it hurts to think my H is not conflicted and really wants to be done, I think you may be right. He is a nice guy.

I think weekends stink b/c I realize he really doesn't care anymore, if he did he would contact me. I'm pretty sure he spent time with the OW this weekend. He was supposed to be available to pick up D13 from bowling today and she called and left him a message around 11:40am. I just saw online he texted her back this evening-late.

I think I've been in Denial, not wanting to feel utterly rejected, but I can see that I have been utterly rejected. It hurts and makes me angry. I think the inconsistency of H's actions(rejection) with his words(still conflicted) is part of what angers me.

I know H wants me to stop mothering and believe me I do it a lot less, but my therapist notes that when its convenient for H to have my 'mothering' help(asking abut medicine/getting recipes..eating lunch at the house with me)he does ask for it and gets it b/c I'm still trying to be a friend.

So let's get into specifics of cutting the cord/dropping the rope, b/c up til now those have been just words and I haven't tried to understand the action behind them.

Do I stop being a friend?

Since I usually see H during the week, should I start(again) leaving for work before he might arrive, staying away at lunch?

We still have several communication classes where I will see/interact with him. Should I drive down separately?

I have stopped alot of mothering behaviors I did, what else should I do/not do? Do I tell H he needs to move his office asap?-as much as we both have talked about it, he hasn't made a move really-just says he's not sure how the logistics would work...excuses b/c the situation is in his benefit.

He's really gotten all the money from our joint account savings that he should have-the rest(checking) is all mine, from my paycheck.

Do we schedule the girls to visit him at his apartment, even though they don't want to go here?

I just need specific ideas, understandings of what I might start doing. I don't want to be that woman who is stuck and creates her own limbo/worst nightmare. If H is done and there isn't hope, I want to move on. How do I know if there's hope? All I've seen they gave me hope, has just been shown (I think correctly) as a way for H to soften the blow.

I've gotten on with my life as much as I can-mostly its just more cleaning/yard work/shuttling my girls around..I see my friends when I have time. I exercise, I journal and read.

I haven't detached mentally, but as everyone has noted that takes time. I keep trying.

Any specific advice re: what I can do with this somewhat connected weekly routine?

I will be out of town 3 days this week and H is staying here at the house with the girls. I was planning on checking in with the girls while I was gone, but wasn't sure if I should check in with H..I would check in with whoever was watching the girls normally, so I wasn't sure if it would be rude to ignore H and just text/call the girls on their cells..Thoughts?