I didn't get a chance to do nothing about H's email to the school counselor-ok I could have said nothing but I didn't- H called me at work and told me he forwarded the email to me that he had sent the school counselor and asked what I thought. I said I thought it was good except for one sentence-and told him the sentence-and said i wouldn't have said that. I said I thought he was still conflicted, which he then again stated he was, so I stated that that statement in the email puzzled me.
He apologized for the statement. He said that as he explained on the way home from communication class Tues night, he doesn't see how (we)it would work out. He also said that night that he didn't think it mattered what he wanted or what I wanted, that he didn't see a way to work things out.
Your H has been telling you - kindly and assertively that he doesn't see any hope for working things out. He's been saying it for a long time now. Probably since before he moved out of the house. He sugars it up with weasle words that you can construe to believe he's conflicted - but the things that he's (bravely to him) telling you indicate that he's done.
Now, when you question that, I said I thought he was still conflicted, which he then again stated he was, he's feeling unheard, pursued and that his brave statements about not seeing any hope for the relationship (and they are brave to him, because you guys have a long history of being loving and polite to each other - I bet he's never told you your butt looks big in those jeans? - he's a nice guy and he absolutely wants to minimise the hurt he knows his conflict is causing you)are going in one of your ears and out the other.
You are doing what we all do and only hearing the parts you want to hear. He's using those parts that you want to hear to soften the impact of the things he's trying to get you to understand.
KJ - there is nothing you can do to change your husband's mind about where he is at the moment. Seems to me that by behaving in the same way you always have (not hearing the things you don't want to hear) you are giving him even more ammunition for his decisions.
DBing won't bring your H back home - but if you follow the guidlines it will take the focus off you and allow him to work this stuff through in his own mind. He doesn't want you to tell him what to think. He doesn't want you to remind him he's conflicted. He doesn't want you to mother him.
Right now, like it or not, he doesn't want you.
That's not a bad thing - and it's not inconsistant with how a lot of men go through this life crisis. Importantly it does not mean that there is no hope for your marriage. I think there is heaps of hope, if you drop the rope.
You need to give him a chance to miss you. You need to give him a chance to make his own decisions as a man. You need to show him that you lovingly support his decisions (even if you don't like them).
I can almost guarantee he called you to get the reaction to that e-mail because he was checking that by putting it in writing to a third party you finally understood what he was saying. What you told him was not only that you refused to understand what he was saying - but you also think he didn't do a very good job of expressing what was going on to the Counsellor.
Imagine what might have been differnet if you had have said something as simple as
"Thanks for writing to her, I'm grateful you are taking responsiblity for that stuff - it's tough for me."
He would have felt validated, he would have felt heard (and you wouldn't have made a judgement about if you liked what you heard or not, you would have just acknowledged that you heard).
This is tough stuff. Yes - weekends at this stage of your journey do stink - but you are smart and clever and you're learning. You are going to be OK.
Thinking of you. v
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
