Dear Limbo, I really think it would help you to go over to the MLC forum. There are some good posts there and also the people on that forum are dealing with the same things you are living at this time. They know how you are feeling and could give you much better advice about boundaries, cake eating, self-respect, etc.
I think I may have already told you this, but in my opinion you have to know what YOU want and how far you are willing to go. What is the "deal breaker" for you? What boundaries do you WANT to have? What would be the consequenses if your H broke those boundaries? B/c if he breaks them and does not have to suffer the consequenses, then you don't have any.......I'll use the word "power" for lack of a better term. It is like telling a child that they are not permitted to do something......and if they go ahead and do it.....then they must face something that is not pleasant, and in fact it is so unpleasant that they chose not to break that rule again. Now with our spouse, we can't do exactly like we do with kids b/c we cannot control their actions and they are adults and you are not his mother and should never act like you are! I think you would need to think about boundaries and have it down in your mind what you will not stand for b/c ever bringing the subject up to him. One example of boundaries would be that he never talk to the OW on the phone in your presence. I have read where some H's have actually texted their OW while in the bed with their W. So, that would certainly be a boundary for me!
If you feel cheap or dirty when he comes back home to you after he has been with her, then that is something you need to decide what you want to do about. Are you going to continue to sleep with him? You don't need to switch back and forth and sleep with him one time and not the next. Decide what you want and can do and then stay consistant.
One thing that threw me was when you said he was leaving, but in the next post, you were asking if you should tell him to leave since he knows that you are aware of the OW? So, I am a little confused.
Anyway, you have to decide if you are going to wait the MLC out and not focus on him and the OW and go on and live life and just try to tune them out the best you can, or if you can't do that, then you have to decide just what you can or can't do before talking to him.
Telling the OW's husband is you being desparate and wanting to bust the affair. However, what if the OW's H leaves her and then she is "free"? That would not help your situation, would it?
There is a friend over in the MLC forum and her name is imLin. She went through a long drawn out ordeal with her H in MLC. They finally got back together and she doesn't post as much as she use to, but it would be good to ask her for advice.
It is easy to talk about outshining the OW, etc., but it is quite different when you start trying to "live it". However, you said you wanted to save the M. So, again, you have to know yourself well enough to know which path you want to take in this stitch. Do you want to do as Michelle suggests in her book on this subject, or do you want to take the "tough love" route? You do know if you take the tough love that there will be a separation, don't you? B/c he is not ready to come out of the fog of MLC and you can threaten or whatever and it won't work. As you saw from the other experience when you hoped it would shake him up and make him come out of it and walk away from the OW. But, if you cannot live with the lies and feeling disrespected, then you have to decide what to do.
Please go over to MLC and at least read some of the post there at the beginning b/c they are helpful.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
