Holding onto Hope

[sandi2]

Dear Limbo, I really think it would help you to go over to the MLC forum. There are some good posts there and also the people on that forum are dealing with the same things you are living at this time. They know how you are feeling and could give you much better advice about boundaries, cake eating, self-respect, etc.

I think I may have already told you this, but in my opinion you have to know what YOU want and how far you are willing to go. What is the "deal breaker" for you? What boundaries do you WANT to have? What would be the consequenses if your H broke those boundaries? B/c if he breaks them and does not have to suffer the consequenses, then you don't have any.......I'll use the word "power" for lack of a better term. It is like telling a child that they are not permitted to do something......and if they go ahead and do it.....then they must face something that is not pleasant, and in fact it is so unpleasant that they chose not to break that rule again. Now with our spouse, we can't do exactly like we do with kids b/c we cannot control their actions and they are adults and you are not his mother and should never act like you are! I think you would need to think about boundaries and have it down in your mind what you will not stand for b/c ever bringing the subject up to him. One example of boundaries would be that he never talk to the OW on the phone in your presence. I have read where some H's have actually texted their OW while in the bed with their W. So, that would certainly be a boundary for me!

If you feel cheap or dirty when he comes back home to you after he has been with her, then that is something you need to decide what you want to do about. Are you going to continue to sleep with him? You don't need to switch back and forth and sleep with him one time and not the next. Decide what you want and can do and then stay consistant.

One thing that threw me was when you said he was leaving, but in the next post, you were asking if you should tell him to leave since he knows that you are aware of the OW? So, I am a little confused.

Anyway, you have to decide if you are going to wait the MLC out and not focus on him and the OW and go on and live life and just try to tune them out the best you can, or if you can't do that, then you have to decide just what you can or can't do before talking to him.

Telling the OW's husband is you being desparate and wanting to bust the affair. However, what if the OW's H leaves her and then she is "free"? That would not help your situation, would it?

There is a friend over in the MLC forum and her name is imLin. She went through a long drawn out ordeal with her H in MLC. They finally got back together and she doesn't post as much as she use to, but it would be good to ask her for advice.

It is easy to talk about outshining the OW, etc., but it is quite different when you start trying to "live it". However, you said you wanted to save the M. So, again, you have to know yourself well enough to know which path you want to take in this stitch. Do you want to do as Michelle suggests in her book on this subject, or do you want to take the "tough love" route? You do know if you take the tough love that there will be a separation, don't you? B/c he is not ready to come out of the fog of MLC and you can threaten or whatever and it won't work. As you saw from the other experience when you hoped it would shake him up and make him come out of it and walk away from the OW. But, if you cannot live with the lies and feeling disrespected, then you have to decide what to do.

Please go over to MLC and at least read some of the post there at the beginning b/c they are helpful.

Talk to you later,
Sandi

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

Thanks for posting. Sorry my posts were a bit confusing. He got mad the morning after his party/movie with OW because I called him out on a lie about it. I didn't bring up OW, just asked if he went to the movie too. He got mad b/c I had looked at their website and even knew there was a movie - snooping he says. He said he just wanted me to leave him alone and stormed out. So I took it as leave him alone forever. Then he called me later that morning to talk. (Side note: I wanted to call him so badly that morning. I finally just said a prayer and told God that I would NOT call H if He would please just convict him to see what he's doing and how it's hurting his family. Not 30 minutes later H called and wanted to see how I was and talk. Wow!) He said that he loves/cares about me, but he's "just not feeling it" for me (meaning "in love" feeling). But he got mad when I interpreted that as he would never feel that type of love and said he did not want me jumping to that conclusion, that he doesn't know 100% what he wants to do. I am concerned because I feel like as long as he is hanging around OW, even if it's just EA and not PA, I don't stand a chance. How can you reconnect with feelings for a spouse if you're giving everything emotionally to someone else? Especially when OW has no kids, is 12 years younger, etc.?!?! So, I thought about giving up. But if OW is still saying it's "just friends" as before, maybe that will buy me some time to try to remind him why he fell for me.

After more thought, I decided I need to hang in here. I think my main boundary is if it ever becomes PA, then I want no part of sleeping together and want him out of the house full time. But how do I know if that happens? The H I used to know would have had the decency to fess up, but I don't know this guy anymore or what his scruples are. And if I continue to sleep in same bed and maybe even ML, does that not go against the advice that we need to make them respect us? I'm so confused when it comes to boundaries, cake eating, etc. I have been over to MLC forum and will go back and read more. Should I start a new post there?

I will be sending him an email about scheduling today, but other than that do not plan to contact him all week. He needs his space and I think it will be good for me too. I just have to get better at not going there with my thoughts of how he's spending his time.

Positive things I've done (journaling):
Joined the Y
Attended 2 workout classes
Treadmilled
Lost more weight (32 lbs so far)
Took my boys swimming
Played PS2 (Dancing with the stars)
Read
Talked more with co-workers
Prayed

Things I want to do:
Workout/treadmill 3-5 times/week (depends on the weekly sched.)
Sleep a full night
Go 2 days without contacting H first
Join Jr. Women's League
Do one thing every day that makes me feel like a better mom (I'm still struggling with crying too much around the boys and being grumpy/short)
Get a spray on tan
Figure out a good 180 that will make me feel fantastic and blow his mind!