Ali, I promise, I DO hear what you are saying. I have spent a year and a half listening to him, trying to meet his needs, and it is like whack-a-mole. You do one thing right, then something else is 'missing' or 'irritating'....
I have spent the last year covering for him with my friends and family, except my best friend and my parents/sisters. Today at the party my cousin asked if Dan bought that house to rent like I had mentioned in Feb. (he said he may rent it so that was a half-lie at the time)...Nobody else knew about it and Dan was across the park from us (party was at a park) so he didn't hear. I just said yes, he did, he is fixing the lawn and hanging cabinets...
apparently when Dan left he went to tell Sydney bye. He told her he was going to "the house" to work on the playset. Sydney (according to my sister who was standing there) yelled to him "Are you going to YOUR house or OUR house?" He tried to sidestep and repeated that he was going to work on the playset at "the house", and she asked him again, loudly, twice "YOUR house or OUR house?" Apparently a cousin of mine was standing there too and he looked rather confused by that exchange...
So I didn't hand out flyers about our situation or anything.
Re. the playset, I have thanked him several times for building it, told him the kids are so excited. And NEVER mentioned that it took this long to build b/c he was caught up in his A. I thought it but never said it, just thanked him and praised him for building it.
Also I told him three times how much Sydney loved having him at her party and how glad my mom was that he came.
I have read the Stosny book, I get the whole "Shaming" thing. But I cannot watch a dog pee on the rug and say, "Oh, you sweet, good little doggy, I am so proud of you!" I thank/praise him for things that deserve it like coming to the party and building the playset.
But when he complains about having nowhere to sleep he will not find sympathy with me.
And he DID say he was done, Wed night. It was a convo. where I admitted to him that I was angry, that I felt I was lying to Nathan and giving him false hope all this time b/c Dan was lying to me and giving me false hope...(I thought I posted about that here)
Ultimately Dan said, re. his comments that he didn't know how to do this without me, he wanted his new house to be remodeled for me to live there too, etc etc "I meant that at the time I said it" I asked him what had happened in the six weeks since to change his mind. He said he didn't know but he didn't see any way for us to try again, he "didn't have the time to try and fail again at his age". My final comment was just to warn him that when I see Nathan's pain when he realizes that we are over-over, it will kill my love for him.
He asked me not to guilt him with Nathan, that he understood Nathan was torn up and it tore him up to see Nathan hurting. He followed up by saying "it cannot be about the kids it has to be about us and what does it say about the state of our relationship that I am willing at 35 to live at my f'ing parents house not really living but slowly dying".
So when a man says he would rather die a slow death living at his parents house than live with you, how exactly do you praise and validate that?
Sorry don't mean to be defensive, although I know I am...I have tried sweetness and light, happy family moments, etc etc and that doesn't work. I won't be nasty but I won't be a cheerleader for him leaving me either. I will just do life as best as I can and enjoy my kids and do my best...
