So sorry to hear about the latest in your sitch fit. thank you for coming in and checking up on me. I cant believe your H is toying with you in that way. That is horrible.

I have not updated in a while. Its nice to look back and read my other posts to see how far I have come.

I was thinking today that I cant believe its been 8 months since the bomb. I wish I could sit here and say I am doing to so much better, I am fine with everything and that I am moving on. But I do not feel that way.

I know why though, I am feeling like this. It is because H is constantly playing with my emotions. I dont really show weakness in front of him or anyone else for that matter, but when I get home I fall apart. For example, i mentioned that he moved back out well guess what--his cousin he was living with got flooded out of his house so he has been having to stay here the last week or so.

during this last week he was being so nice, helping me out around the house, showing me the old side of him. Never brought up D. Even been a tiny affectionate..sitting close to me on the couch, asking me to stay up later with him and watch a movie. Then today.

For a little background, my H is a really messy (and as you have learned disrespectful) person. When he moved back in I asked just one thing: please clean up after yourself and put in your part of the household duties. I told him i would expect this of a roomate as well. This way i didnt sound like i was "bitching" or nagging" I feel like its not fair that I should have to pick up the slack of him being here like I always did when we were together.

So this is going to sound so stupid but im leading to a point. When the weekends come up he disappears. This really bothers me but I try to not say anything or ask any questions about his whereabouts AND I make plans of my own. But, it still bothers me. So I called him today (which I literally NEVER call him) and said " I dont know if you will be home before I go to bed so do you have a minute" he said yes then I just said "I would really appreciate it if you vacuumed like you said you would a week ago, Ive got 5 finals for school next week and could really use the extra help"

Then he flips the F out. Starts throwing F bombs at me, telling me to just stay out of his business, dont touch his things, dont talk to him, hurry up and get this D over with, all I do is bitch and nag at him...etc etc. This goes on a bit and starts getting heated because once again, I was blindsided. I was only doing what he asked which was " Jenn, if you want me to do something or help with something around the house all you have to do is tell me/ask me and Ill get it done."

So that is what I did. I promise you it was an innocent phone call and that I was very polite when I asked him. Now he will be coming here at some point tonight to gather up his stuff once again, and go to his cousins.

I feel like I did something wrong and I know I shouldn't blame myself. Part of me wants him here in hopes that he will change his feelings for me, but when he is here he walks all over me. Just leaves, comes home late, eats all my food, dirties everything up, he will even walk in the living room and turn the TV station as I am clearly watching something. Why am I blaming myself? I dont want him to leave again, though I did tell him that I wanted him out of my life in anger. Maybe I should not have said it but he was being so mean.

i feel like I am walking on egg shells with this man and there is no reason for it. I am at the most important and critical week this week coming up because I have 3 finals for school and then 2 state board tests that determine if I will get my license or not. I really cant take this stress anymore. During the work week we get along great then the weekend comes up and this always happens.

I dont know how to act when he comes back here tonight or what to say. Any suggestions??

I have a meeting with my lawyer to finalize papers she will send to his lawyer. Its the weirdest thing because I feel like I will find someone better someday but I feel myself constantly holding on in my mind and its tearing me up. All my friends and family think I am doing just fine because on the outside it appears that way. I cant help but feel I am being forced to do something against my will. Its horrible