New around here...

[hopeful_cb]

I feel maybe its because my responses have been so short. maybe I am coming across as not friendly.

I found I had the same problem. Wife commented that my texts sounded snippy at C. I have started putting a Hi at the beginning of my texts. I also read it outl oud and try to see what tone it would come across as. I am very blunt and have to really try to make sure my txts don't seem short, snippy or unfriendly.

I think I will try working on making sure I do come across friendly even when it is short. So I'll try what you said helps you. And see if this makes a difference. Maybe I was being a bit stubborn, I remember putting thanks at the end of a txt recently and then I thought to myself(annoyed) why should I thank him for asking if I am ok,etc. he should do that anyway so I took it off. Maybe if I keep in mind how would I respond to any other friend it will help too.

[hopeful_cb]

Ok so I decided to give H a friendly call since I haven't spoke to him in 4 weeks. I called from the house and he didn't answer.

He called me back a few mins later

H: Hi, did you just call me?

Me: yes. I thought I'd call and say hi since I haven't talked to you in a long time. Did I wake you? (he sounded terrible)

H: I'm ok, got flu right now, sore throat running nose etc. yes its been a really long time somehow.

Me: (I joked) I hope its not swine flu (haha)

H: yeh me too, but I think its ok. How are you? How was your trip? Did you have a nice time? We should meet up sometime this week maybe.

Me: Im ok, good. The trip was good I had fun. I then told him xyz about practical things, bill, computer, post.

He listened and said sounds like something serious w computer maybe he should come and reformat it for me one day this week. I said ok, I had some advice about what to do but didn't want to lose any of his files etc that are on here. He said he doesn't think there is anything important on there, or at least not anything he has missed in this time so it's probably ok. Then I made a comment that I have work this week but not sure what else( I should have said I'll let you know what day I'm free!!!) He said he is busy thrus and fri.

And then I said well I'll let you get back to resting. I hope you feel better soon. and said bye.

At least I ended it first I think.

I know I'm supposed to be upbeat and happy when I talk to H I always start that way but something about him makes me go all quiet and soft in my voice. I need to be stronger.


Then just got a text saying 'actually might be better to meet today. I have lots to do in the week. need to get a hair cut so cant be lazy all day anyway. That ok?'

I haven't replied. I have plans at 1pm with a friend so I know I'm kind of busy. Not sure if I should say I'm busy or That I can't meet til this evening/tomorrow??

any advice???

[mnt_dreams]

If it's not urgent, I'd tell him you're busy today and maybe tonight or later in the week would be better.

Sounds like you did really well with your phone conversation! You ended it first, kept it light. The more you talk to him, the stronger your voice will get. Good job!

Clear out your history/cookies before he comes over to work on the computer too!

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks the tip, I will make sure I clear the history before H comes to work on computer!

I said I had plans today can I let him know, later I txt to say I would be finished by 6 if that works for him. He said he'd come for 630. Then he text and said 'meet you in the pub?' and asked which I'd prefer?!?? Thought he was just coming to fix pc, but after that it looks like he would like to have a drink/meal. Anyway I just said ok and the place I'd like to meet.

Did a good job today of being busy after little crash last night. I met a friend, went to gym, went for coffee (and a treat!) and then we went shopping (i think i found a great dining table for my house and have been wanting one for a long time!) then got groceries and now just getting ready to meet H in an hr. I want to look nice but not dressed up, trying to keep it casual.

I asked myself want would I like to get out of our meeting?

I couldn't think of anything specific I wanted to say or get across that would be helpful at this point so decided I wanted

1. to use it as time to practice my dbing (of course!) Act as if it is going to go well, no questions, be positive, upbeat content.
2. To be friendly (not sure if I've been coming across as friendly)
3. To make sure to keep good conversation (since H complained we never had enough to talk about anymore)

am I missing any big ones here?


Am also kind of preparing myself that he may cancel as he said he is feeling unwell in the morning.

[kara]

Hi Hopeful

Thanks for replying on my thread. Your sitch sounds positve right now, hope the meeting goes well. Let us know.

[hopeful_cb]

Gosh I think this is going to be a long post as I'm trying to sort what just happened in my head!

Needless to say we never even got to looking at the computer problems!

Just saw H tonight. We met and had a nice dinner. We had great positive conversation and joked around and had a nice time. Had to wait a while for a table so had quite long time to talk and catch. I think I did well in this time to be fun, friendly, positive and upbeat without giving too much information. On the walk back,nearing in on arriving to 'my' house H got very quiet.

I asked what he was thinking about. H started to talk cryptic like and seemed frustrated stumbling over his words. In the end he came out with talking about a friend of ours who I thought may be a possible OW to him.

He said he felt the need to talk to me about this as we had agreed to be honest with each other. He said they were v good friends and he didn't know what was between them but that he may want to find out. He said he'd not said anything too much to her yet but that there had been some 'conversations' about things. but he also said he didnt know how she felt for him and that it was all v stressful and confusing since they work together n he is kind of her boss and bc of our sitch. He said he feels that part of it may be that she helped him thru a tough emotional time (when he left me) and that may be what he feels but that he is thinking about finding out. Said he doesn't know what he is going to do but felt he promised to be honest with me so felt the need to tell me. Said he was thinking about maybe going for a few dinners or something to see how things go.

I did keep calm and talked about what he brought up. Don't know how well I did regarding DB as i was thrown off and things seemed to go out the window a bit.

I asked how would this be different from the dinners, movies and other time they spent together up until now. He said they have just been hanging out as friends.

I feel like they have been growing closer since before he even left me, but he assures me that is not the case. He even said he was a little annoyed that I saw this happening before him(last time we discussed R and possible OW I mentioned this and said I can see it happening, before I got DR) He said they just get along really well.

I said that if he did decide to do that I didn't see it as right bc we are still married and that that is a commitment I value. H said we are separated and he doesn't see us as married anymore so he feels it is ok. I said I would see it as an affair. (don't know if I should have said this in hindsight, it could sound a bit threatening?) H of course totally disagreed.

We discussed this further, probably too far as I had said my peace and should have left it at that. But got drawn in, at least I was calm and collected and honest.

H said he doesn't want to get divorced and then said you have to be separated a year anyway. So I asked where he found this information and he said a friend. H then became suspicious and asked why had I been to see a L? I said no. H said the only reason he would want a D is if he wanted to marry someone else and that is the last thing he wanted to do right now. H also said we have no kids, no house etc so had nothing to split or to worry about in that sense.

H said he is happy on his own even if that's not what I want to hear. H commented that he wanted to make sure he was ok on his own not just jump into another relationship. Said he has been on his own 5 months(he only moved out 3 months ago so I don't agree with this but said I didn't want to argue about time frames bc it doesn't matter)

H started to bring things up about how we, then said at least he felt he got married for the wrong reasons, etc and back to his story line. I tried to validate what he was saying and say that I do hear what he is telling me. I said I can see how he felt the way he did before we separated regarding the problems we were having. We didn't communicate about these problems until he was leaving. H said it was too late now, etc. he sees it as completely over. that's it, he wants to draw a line under it all.

He said he wanted to tell me how he felt about OW in case anything did evolve there as he felt it right to be honest. I had said about possibly speaking to her as we used to be friends and I thought we still were. He was very worried about this and asked me not to speak to her. Said he didn't know where things were going and they hadn't talked about this yet and didn't want me to say anything to her. He kept saying please don't say anything to her.

H said nobody at his work knows about this. I mentioned they might bc of comments made to me before he even left me. (prob shouldn't of said this, but don't know what came over me) H said about being worried he would get her fired. He asked me really worried like again to please don't tell people they work with his personal stuff and please don't go posting on facebook or anything comments to anyone about her or to her.

I said things we talk about are between you and me that I don't plan to tell friends our conversations. But that I would not lie to anyone and that I may speak to OW if I felt I needed to, but that I still would not discuss his and my conversations to her as that is btw us.

I feel this conversation went on way too long. H had to leave to catch train home and even as he stood in the door way was continuing to talk about things. I know I was part of this too as I engaged. I did not end things first and should have.

H ended by saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but knows either way I will probably still be hurt and he wants to make it the least he can. H also kept saying he thinks I am being very good about all of this. (he was worried I would be screaming at him) and that he had not made any decision about what he was going to do regarding OW as things were complicated (duh of course they are you fool!! you are married!) and again please don't say anything to anyone (also insinuated this included his family).

In a way I almost feel relieved bc I am no longer wondering what is going on with them 2. But also besides their close friendship nothing has happened as of now. I have always said I would rather know one way or the other. I would have thought I'd be breaking down about now after this confession but I am not. I feel hurt but ok. At least I know what I am dealing with.

I got thru it but OMG I don't know what to do next!

[kara]

Hi

Just wanted to see how you did.

I don't know.. I am going to leave this one to the experts but while I appreciate his need to be honest I don't think that it is appropriate to discuss your dating prospects with your wife unless you both agreed to the separation and have parted as friends. I don't know how I would have reacted but I applaud you for being cool calm and collected.

What will you do next? What do you feel like doing? I would let him sort out his dating dilemma on his own and politely set a boundary. Does he think that you are Dear Abby? But I am not an old hand at this, so please listen to the vets out there and be guided by them.

[mnt_dreams]

Wow - that was quite a conversation. I'm sure it'll take some time to process everything that was said. So sorry you're in this situation. As you said, at least you know now what you're dealing with.

If you refer back to the goals you posted earlier today, it sounds like you accomplished them. You practiced DB'ing, stayed pretty much upbeat and validating his statements, and yet you stood up for yourself and the M as far as affairs and staying committed. You should feel good about how you handled a very tough conversation!

Like Kara, I wonder what you will decide to do now... back off again, stay friendly, etc. What do you think?

[hopeful_cb]

You are right. I am glad for what I did accomplish but was still thrown for a loop on everything else. I guess the things that I have been doing and have accomplished in this time have had no effect on H as he is moving even further away. Maybe it has had no effect bc of this OW he was entertaining ideas of being with.

I know I can't make him do anything or control his actions. I told him I thought it was wrong. I guess it was left last night as he didn't know what he was going to do about it but he didn't want me to find out from somewhere else if they did start seeing each other. I said he has to ask himself what is right?

I hope he thinks about our conversation but I have a feeling he has already decided or he would not have been telling me.

I don't know what to do next or what I will decide. I could really use some advice here from others who know a bit more than I do.

[hopeful_cb]

I feel like I need to talk to H more about things and what is happening. I don't know if that is the right move tho.

I also really feel the need to talk over what H has said with my mom or sister to get some advice, but realize that this may not be a wise move either.