I was just clearing out my MLC files and saw this really old post from Newman via Phoenix (via RCR). Newman (who was married to Phoenix) was an MLCer who subsequently returned to Phoenix after an A and S and later posted about his MLC and gave advice on the boards. I don't know if it will be any help at all, but if not just ignore- no agenda in my posting it, I just thought it would help me in piecing when I got there (oh well!)
Originally Posted By: Newman
Hi Dreamcatcher, let's talk about sex!
Intimacy is a really difficult hurdle to cross over after an affair- for both of you; yet it is so incredibly important. After my W had detached and was moving on into building her life I needed to pursue her. In fact she left for California saying that she wasn't sure she would ever be back. I took some initial measures to end my affair and then drove to California to get her (win her) if I could.
Thinking ahead to how this might play out I was bound with fear over the idea of sexual intimacy. Fearful questions began to pour into my mind about 'performance'-
What if I couldn't perform in this area?
What if my heart became so heavy with guilt that I just couldn't?
What if I experienced a failed erection?
What if I treated her 'differently' during lovemaking and it showed?
Will she be thinking of my betrayal while we made love? What if a third person was in our bed – in mind but not in person?
What if my libido just up and took a hike elsewhere while I was with her?
Any of these and hundreds more could damage our already very fragile relationship.
I don't mind admitting that I took measures before hand and spoke to my medical doctor. He gave me some samples of Cialis to bring along with me. The stuff is supposed to work for up to 36 hours but if you don't have ED- It lasted 72 hours on me- whoa!
But most important to me in all of this was that I couldn't just have sex anymore. Sex was what I had going with my affair partner; I couldn't bring this into my relationship with my wife. Between the sheets needed to be expression; it needed to be intimate. It needed to be lovemaking where the ecstasy of it was not in a physical climax but in the touching of each others hearts. Where we would feel the heart-rending love of the other and listen for their heartbeat. Where the climax of passion can only be expressed in breath that breathes "I Love You" and my all is you. Lovemaking with such afterglows that breathless in each others arms brings a quiet comfort of knowing. Holding. Peace. Where the world disappears and it is only her and me. Mere sex was out of the question. This had to be real.
Originally Posted By: Dreamcatcher
Instead, he bought a motorcycle and other little things, and is spending most of his time working on his car. I don't want to push him, but I am feeling frustrated. I sent him a quick email today asking him why he came home and if he is willing and/or able to meet my needs. I expressed feeling as if the M is the same as it was before he left. My H wrote back and said he feels the same and that we can talk later. I told him initially that I thought we might need more time apart for him to work through withdrawals and to work on himself. He didn't think so. Now I am wondering if my expectations are too high, what should I/we expect, is it normal for both of us to feel discouraged, should I expect him to work on helping me heal from the affair at this time? I'd love any personal experiences of this phase and any useful tools.
I do understand this one. You see dear one, it really wasn't about 'the affair' to him although at this time in your relationship it stands out as most prominent. Your questions may be surrounding his betrayal, the affair, the other woman; but his are running on a much broader level inside of him. He is questioning his reason, his existence, his lost integrity, and feelings of guilt (or worse- a lack of them), regret, and even life itself.
In MLC we know what to do when depression strikes- up the self medication. His self-medication was in an emotional and physical affair(s). But he can't go there now; there is no typical means of relief for him that he used to resort to that he can now implement. Keeping himself busy- just out of sight; but not too far- working on the car and motorcycle is a means of getting quiet while stilling his mind.
I took up all kinds of work projects in our house and yard during this time too. I didn't want to even remotely appear to be on my computer with my affair partner or thinking about her. Along with guilt, remorse, regret, and self-hatred for my prior actions was the constant feeling of failure and depression. Old means of escape that I used during my midlife foray could no longer be used. I couldn't escape and it was driving me mad!
The biggest enemy during this time is ambivalence to the marriage recovery. The cycle between wholehearted commitment to making it work and total ambivalence to it ever working is a constant companion to both of you. He is likely already sworn to "keeping no secrets" from you, yet his inner turmoil is still something that he likely cannot speak freely about- thus even this becomes troublesome because he is keeping it secret (something he's sworn to not do).
The most troublesome thing I think any midlife man can contend with is the need to sort through his inner issues concerning his life while dealing with recovery from an affair. These affairs bring untold turmoil into an already troublesome transition. A man that has not been involved outside his marriage would find all of his time consumed with these issues. A man that did get involved now has these issues plus his betrayal to contend with- that's all his time plus more!
More than this though is that while he must focus on life and what brought him here to this point is that his focus is distracted by the need to answer for his affair. The terrible aloneness in all of this is that we men assume that no one can understand how little the affair really meant to us and that our real issues have very little to do with the OW we allowed into our lives. The world at large puts the emphasis on the betrayal and affair. We question 'when will anyone see me in all this' and buddy – you are completely alone! We need to answer for ourselves how it is that we could give away our affection so easily to our affair partner, what made us so vulnerable, why did it feel like real love? Why do I feel like hell now that it's over? Will I ever feel 'love' in our marriage?
Dreamcatcher, I don't think he is isolating himself to simply endure withdrawal from his affair partner; I believe that he is also earnestly seeking answers for some of these important things. I hope he feels comfortable talking about them when he finds them he just cant talk about it now.
Originally Posted By: Dreamcatcher
I expressed feeling as if the M is the same as it was before he left. My H wrote back and said he feels the same and that we can talk later.
This is an ambivalence strike! It is part of the process and by now you both wish it would leave you alone! It is so normal to experience this. Talking it through is the only way to win over it.
My heartfelt prayers for you both Dreamcatcher,
Newman
It's a bit long, sorry! But I hope there's some stuff in there that helps somehow- not least that the return with the ambivalence from the MLCer is a common thing. Both Phoenix and RCR posted on this quite extensivly if you can find them in the archives.
