Nothing was changing in my sitch really so I did something different. I brought up divorce like you brought up moving away.
My h is a typical nice guy, avoids all conflict and drama like the plague and he was scared to meet me so I spent many months showing him that I didn't react, i.e. when I found out he was moving in with ow which also confirmed to me that there was an ow. We didn't have much reason to see each other because we don't have children, the only reason we had was to discuss selling our house. We hadn't talked about 'us' for about 10 months - I hadn't broached an r talk at all and as nothing had been said I decided that I was ready to move on. Below is my post of the conversation that we had. The results so far have been that we have had more 'easy' interactions - not so excruciatingly polite. We have also had our first non-business related meet up (a social lunch) where he made a special effort to meet me - he came into London especially that day even though he was due to work at his flat, and he bought me a thoughtful present back from a weekend away and a nice email exchange afterwards where he used a phrase we used to share together. This is from the guy who said that he didn't want to really have anything to do with me.
We met in the restaurant and luckily had a very private table. He was very open and friendly and I wasn't quite sure how to bring about the business part and felt nervous doing so but took the bull by the horns.
I explained that I'd been looking over the bank accounts as it was probably time we split them now and I'd noticed £2000 had left the account and then had gone back in again. He said nothing. So I said 'so I phoned the bank and they said it was a loan', he looked sheepish and said 'yeah, that's mine'. Clearly he felt uncomfortable and didn't want to elaborate so I said 'well the strange thing is that the repayments had been coming out of our account'. And he looked puzzled and said 'oh, I told the bank that it shouldn't and gave them my account number but they must have defaulted to our account'. I said 'ok, well I'm presently redirecting the direct debits and have a form here to remove my name from the account so when they are transferred I will remove the funds in there and the account is all yours'. He was absolutely fine with that and signed the forms.
The next thing I had was a conflict of interest letter from the solicitor. Because they had previously represented both of us they needed him to sign to say that he was happy that they should solely represent me. I thought this was quite a good introduction to the D topic.
He was happy enough to sign it (all this stuff was very light hearted and not heavy like I imagined). And seemed at ease with the idea of divorce. I said, 'do you mind briefly if we talk about divorce' and he said 'no'. So I said 'well, I have looked into it and there are two routes to go down, unreasonable behaviour which I am not keen on because it can get quite messy or adultery'. He looked a bit shocked and said 'well, I suppose as we are still married I am committing adultery'. Then went onto say something implying the adultery was recent. I didn't say anything and just looked down. He then said 'you do know it was recent don't you, that wasn't the reason we split'. And I said 'No, I didn't know because we have never talked about reasons'. He said 'do you want to talk about it because I don't want you to think that I cheated on you before I left you, even when we were still seeing each other afterwards I didn't. I would never do that to you, it happened much later on'. I said 'I have about a million questions I want to ask but I know that asking them is not necessarily the right thing for me or you and I know you feel really uncomfortable talking about it'. He said 'I have thought so much about why I left that summer, I still do I think about you a lot still now'. And I said 'I thought that you didn't ever think about me, in fact that was one of the most hurtful things was that you told me that you never thought about me'. He asked when he'd said that and I reminded him. He looked at me fully in the face and said 'I don't remember saying that and I don't know why I said that because it wasn't and isn't true. I'm really sorry for all the hurt and pain and torment I put you through.' he said 'if I am honest I still do not know why I left that summer, I don't know what was happening in my head'. I said 'I do understand H, I'm not angry'.
Then I can't remember how this came about but I said, 'we are going to have to deal with some unpleasant things over the next few months but I would really like it if we could be friends'. He looked unbelievably relieved and said 'so would I'. Then we held hands, he said 'we get on so well' and then something about how we complemented each other in terms of friendship. I said 'you were my best friend for 6 years and I miss that'. He looked really happy and said 'so do I'. Then I got up and went around the table to hug him (it felt right to do this), he didn't move or turn and I thought 'shall I, shan't I, sod it!' and put my arms around him. He hugged me back so hard, it was like relief flowed through us both and we hugged for about a minute (argh I couldn't help it I kissed the back of his head! he smelt so lovely!!) but it didn't matter. We were both crying.
Then I sat down and he changed the subject and started talking about light things and we chatted throughout the meal about life, jobs and stuff. When it was time to leave I initiated it and we walked out. He paid for the meal - a first, and when we got to the bus stop his bus was there but he didn't run as he usually would. He said, 'don't worry I can get the next one'. I asked him if he wouldn't mind posting a parcel as he was going back to the office and he took it. The bus was still there so I said, 'go on run' and he gave me a massive hug goodbye and got on the bus waving as he went.
He did ask what the next steps in the D would be at the end of the meal. He obviously wants this to go ahead and also the sale of the house. That's ok; I will do it in my own time. I need to digest this a little. I'm so pleased we could talk and we had the conversation we did. I didn't need to know anymore details than that. I just feel that I have worked so hard to get where I am and I am so pleased and I feel a big relief. Patience has worked.
He followed it up that night with a text saying "Hi, I just wanted to say that it was really nice to talk earlier and I'm really glad that we both think that we can still be friends despite everything I’ve done. Like I said I think I would find it very sad if we stopped speaking to each other or meeting up and stuff. Anyway I hope you have a nice trip. H"
