Great work Mark. You are doing great. Pro-active with kids, but not pursuing wifey and best of all, no arguments. Arguments are a waste of time right now especially with someone who is angry to begin with. Just don't go there.
Your mindset is much better now, I think. It's good to have a goal. Again, things take time to develop, to calm down. You can't expect results right away so just take it easy. Just do the things that you can do. No need to rush here. I know you have a timeframe in mind. But really my motto has always been, 'It's not over till it's over' and 'Nothing is final except death'.
So take it easy, do what's on your list. Cool the pursuing and enjoy the children. You are on the road to happiness, I know it.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Just to update. On Friday night I picked the children up and my wife told me there was some mail, though what she REALLY wanted to tell me was that there was a letter form the county court. She did not say it, the fact there was a county court stamp on the envelope told the story. I thanked her for giving me the mail, at the time a girlfriend of hers/ours popped round for a chat. I greeted her and she asked me how I was, I responded positively without gushing, she asked if I was going down to the gym which I responded to. Without being arrogant she had obviously noticed which was great for my confidence.
On Saturday my daughter and I had an a small disagreement which resulted in my daughter leaving a voivemail message on my wife's phone at 1000 pm on a Saturday night. The phone was switched off, there was no response from the landline which meant my wife was out all night (which she was). My mind was going into overdrive again which I tried best to banish, then I had a talk with my daughter who then rang my wife again and said she had apologised.
On Sunday (today) I have hust returned from my childrens fun run. Before we left I made sure everything was done including suntan lotion, the only thing I forgot was to bring a jumper for my son. I somehow managed to sign my son into the under 6's rather than the under 8's, but as it is a FUN RUN it doesn't really matter as long as they take part. As a part of my Anticipation thought pattern I thought I would ask my wife to bring the camera to the park to take some shots. She never responded to my text which was unfortunate but I was still pleased I made the effort. When I met up with my wife in the park she barely said a word to me, I had been doing weights at home first thing in the morning, put a crisp white tee-shirt on and looked pretty good. I asked her if she was ok which barely got a response, whereas I was upbeat. I then said I was going to get a hotdog for my son and I asked her if she would like a cup of tea, which she did. By the time I got back she seemed in a better mood and became quite chatty. She still wanted to chastise me for forgetting my sons jumper and the fact I signed him into the wrong race, but before I could say anything all our friends around said it's only a fun run and it does not really matter. I asked her if she had the childrens weekly schedule with her that I had asked for so that I can help in advance, but she said I should know what it is by now. I validated that (as I had done in my text) but said I much prefer to have these things in writing so that I can plan better and be more helpful in advance.
On reflection, I think my wife was expecting me to be in a bad mood because of the court papers, the fact I would have known she had stayed out all night and the fact I was very happy spending time with the children and friends threw her off-guard which resulted in her being more responsive. Small steps, small steps.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
mark I am still here lurking. Your situation seems so familiar to mine its scary. I am watching the advice others give you and trying to apply it to my sitch. I still do not know if there is ap but it sure looks that way good luck buddy. This roller coaster is amazing.
My wife has just dropped off S7 to me. She has got another overnight bag with her, she is all dressed up and had lots of perfume on and was made up. I cannot believe this is for one of her 'girlfriends' evenings out, especially at 5.30pm in the afternoon. I even noticed the underwear she was wearing which was not 'everyday wear'.
I know JCJ said I should not jump to conclusions but without full blown proof it just seems so likely she is off to the OM again tonight. I know I should drop the rope regarding her but when I see her I just get so frustrated and angry. It hurts so much, the only good thing is we are communicating better, but it is still very hard. I know I have to reduce negativity and conflict, but I do not want her to get to the indifference level Coach says because anger proves there is still something there, and I feel with every meeting she has with OM it pushes her further away. she also stated she was turning her phone off as she only has two bars on her phone, what no charger?, therefore we cannot contact her. Yet another sign she does not want to be contacted. I feel like she is taking me for a fool and I do not like it. I did not rise to, or ask anything. Is she trying to push my buttons, or is she so ambivulent to our situation ie. I have accepted the situation, therefore she can just continue with this whatever it is.
This is so hard.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, why not try setting a boundary? If she's going to be dropping the kids off, fine, but she needn't be all tarted up to do it. "I don't care where you're going, but I do care that the children not see it. Put on your f*ck me lingerie after you leave here."
The thing here is that she must think I am an idiot not to see what is going on, even without any evidence. I feel like she wants me know by making it so obvious, yet is not prepared to tell me, or wants me to lose my temper and demand an explanation to justify her actions. I was so close to asking her there and then, I do not know how I held it together.
Whatever it is it just shows she has a complete lack of respect for me and now for the first time wants to flaunt it in my face. Am I missing something here?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Remember this woman is angry with you and wants to hurt you. The angrier you get at her, the more justified she will feel if she is having an affair. She knows that turning up like that will wind you up, or, maybe she is trying to show you what you are missing in a 'hah' kind of way.
If she is seeing another man it is very hard to set boundaries once you are separated. Your concern is the children. You could set a boundary to do with the phone. Next time she says something like that you (very innocently) could ask how you should contact her if there was an emergency regarding the kids.
You could even compliment her on her outfit or perfume... that would totally throw her off track and one of her complaints was your lack of attention. Or, just ignore her and don't take bait.
P.S - She isn't indifferent; she has broken up her family. She will be struggling. Her anger and actions like you described in wearing those clothes is partly a defence mechanism in trying to justify her actions.
P.P.S - great news on the fun run outing today. I think you did tremendously!
Sure - you can jump to conclusions...I did when my W came home at 3 in the morning - while we were still living in the same house -our M home -but while we were sleeping in diff bedrooms-a sort of "in-house separation" -but it did me no favours.
My W was going to do what she was going to do...regardless of my presence and belief that our R/M could be saved...she was not interested in that.In fact I remember doing all sorts of things, organising all sorts of things in the hope that it would enable her to see what she was giving up and what could be...none of it worked...none of it...
One of the hardest memories to recall was a trip locally to a Youth Hostel -at prompting of my W for S7, her and I last summer where we had what I thought was a great w/e cycling and walking, to find W standing in the corner of the grounds trying to get a signal for her mobile -presumably to text or talk to OM...
And through all of this maintaining a perfectly agreeable persona...shortly after that she told me that she had been seeing someone - but only because someone was threatening to tell me - in fact she got a text message to tell as much - and was so p!ssed at that person and also tried to get me on board to find out who it was!!! In fact a couple of days later I got a letter through the post telling me the same...
To this day M,I have no idea who it was...but W was seriously rattled to find that someone was not on her side...and she was adamant that she had only shared that information with a "few close friends". Well turns out at least one friend thought different!
Which is a long winded and round-about way of saying that you seriously need to DETACH!!! And to stop thinking that everyone is against you...they are not...I found out so through that letter -that not everyone is on your W's side and DROP THAT ROPE!!!
You did a great job IMO with the kid's fun run -like you I have found it a challenge to"anticipate" things and plan forward -like you, my W would like to believe that I'm pathologically incapable of it...which makes her role all the more important and paints me as the stereotypical incapable father...but truth is, yes I was that person...I am not any more -
Suncream? Check, Hat? - Check Water/drink/food? - Check Picked up on time - without fail? Check Played sports with? Check Homework done? Check Washed/bathed/showered before bed and teeth brushed? Check Read to at bedtime and stories shared? Check Clean and ironed clothes in the morning? Check
Mark-there was a time when my W wouldn't trust me to do anything...I could never ever do anything right...now we have a situation where she "has" to lean on me and trust that I will and at last I can prove that I can-its not under the best of circumstances but at least she "trusts" me to.
Mark - where are you? I'm in the NW close to Pennines - you can find me on FB.
Thank you for your imput. Seeing her dressed up threw me and in hindsight by acknowledging how she looked would have been a 180 for me. I don't know if shewas looking for a reaction from me, but maybe this was an instance when I should have said she looked nice. I guess it would look 'needy' and weak if I sent her a text, but there again she would not get it as she turned her phone off. I guess I just have to grin and bear it.
GTI,
Thank you for your imput. I need to keep telling myself to drop the rope but I am finding it so bloody hard. I am quite happy at theway I am starting to try and anticipate things and the way I can control a situation under normal circumstances. It is when my wife turns up ready for an evening I find the hardest, especially when she is making so much effort for somebody else.
By the way, I am based in Reigate, Surrey about 15 minutes from Gatwick.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
"Whatever it is it just shows she has a complete lack of respect for me and now for the first time wants to flaunt it in my face. Am I missing something here?"
No - IMO - you're not missing anything- I fully believe that one of the reasons for us being where we are is an erosion of respect, for one know that my W lost her respect for me (not her "love" for me but definitely her respect). That gave her a green light to seek out a relationship with someone who did give her that respect. I'll be the first to say that I trampled on the respect that she had for me... although it wasn't that straightforward...I lost my mum, that caused issues(then unresolved) about my (disabled) brother who died when I was 5 - I took it all badly and descended into alcohol while also trying to keep my head above water with a sh!tty hand I'd been given with a newish job...and at the same time being the dad of a 2/3 year old for whom I could do nothing right!
I shoulda/coulda done all sorts of things...but I didn't...instead I let it roll and things became worse and worse...In the phraseology of our friends over the pond I indulged in a real "pity party"
You've got to jump off that merry-go-round - or in my case I was forced to...
