Springing forward...

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Bobbi... I take it you still want Dan back and to reconcile your M if possible? You're not done? If you arent, then I wanted to post to you to say I am not sure that you are being polite and businesslike! Or even if that is the best solution for you. And apologies, I dont know how this post got so long!

Its just that.. your dissaproval, critiscism and anger at Dan is palpable and although its understandable, I'm not sure what good it would do you, or how you would win Dan back by letting him see those things?? Perhaps you need to vent here, or with BFF's and not AT Dan? Here are the bits that jumped out at me...

Texted me that he was there working on the playset...(He got supplies to make Nathan an awesome play set in the yard in K.C., but then started his A the very next week and the playset has been in pieces for 2 years)

...so what did you say, if anything about this? Did you acknowledge it and thank him, say, gee, thanks for putting that together, thats great.. Nathan will be so pleased... or..?

He said something in the afternoon about needing to work on his house, he didn't have anywhere to sleep...

That just irritated me, so I said, calmly, "No, that isn't accurate. You DO have somewhere to sleep. You have a home and a family. You don't have somewhere you WANT to sleep..." He did a sort of annoyed nod, but I am not going to feed into his pity parties anymore.

...so saying all of that achieved what? How did it make you feel? How do you think it made Dan feel? Of course he cant stay with you Bobbi he LEFT, you are S..Its NOT an option for him, so although its galling of him to moan to you.. no, he didnt have somewhere to sleep, other than a hotel? Perhaps it would be better to just say something like "well, I am sure you will figure something out" and then change the subject.

I asked if he was coming to Sydney's party today with my family. He said he wasn't planning to. I said that was fine, but was obv. pissed about it by my tone of voice. I said you don't have to go but understand I am no longer making excuses for you at these things. He backpedaled about going and I said I didn't want him to go just to cover things up...

...again, what did this achieve in terms of reconciling with Dan?? How did it make you feel to say those things? How do you think it left him feeling? Guilty? Ashamed? Not good enough? Do you think thats going to make him come home? Have you read the Stonsy book, about men and guilt and shame?? What about DBing and you guys are in a stage where its important to reduce negativity and feelings of guilt and shame? Or have you given up DBing?

Jody, the db coach said to me, in her experience, the number one reason why WAH dont come back to their wives, EVEN if they want to.. is shame. They cant stand it, they cant stand to feel so guilty and ashamed and fixing it feels like too big a mountain to climb. So they stay away.

I assume, he was unsure about the party, because that would mean being thrown into "the lions den" and facing up to what he has done in leaving you - confronting his shame. And because he is still not ok with his decison and FEELS guilty and ashamed, he couldnt face it. You know that right? Is that why you are angry at him? Becuase he is weak and a coward and takes the easy route out instead of manning up and being there for his D at her party? But although you are right.. is it going to win him back to hold the mirror up to his behaviour and make him see that?

this morning he texts me "Do you mind if I go to the party". I replied

*I don't mind if you go, it is Sydney's party and you are invited

*My issue is that I never told my family (extended) that we separated. I always thought we would get back together and it would be easier on you if they never knew

*Now you are clear that you don't want to get back together anymore which is fine, your decision. But I am not going to keep lying to my family. I won't broadcast it but I won't hide it either.

And again Bobbi, this helps how? For a start, you say in a text, you have made your decision - has he?? I didnt know that, I'm sorry, I thought he was still in a state of confusion. Has he made a decision, or are you just tired of all this/goading him?

Secondly, you then say "which is fine" - is it fine?? Are you ok about it being over then?? If I were Dan, I would take your cold angry text as the truth, but perhaps it isnt how you really feel? Lastly.. it isnt just for DAN's sake yuo have kept quiet about this S, surely? Is it not also for your sake? Do you feel a bit reluctant to tell them because of how they may view you? Also, becuase it would make it easier to piece, if your family arent putting their negative oar in?? Seems you have colluded with the not telling people thing, so perhaps its not fair to blame him for that? Especially as more blame = more shame, which is not what you want !!

Perhaps you should tell people and get their support, why keep it to yourself? Thats another layer of stress you dont need.

I dont know if any of this helps at all, I'm just trying to be a partial observer and ask you how you think the way you talk to Dan is going to help.. unless, like I said, you are done with DBing/wanting to reconcile?

xxx