I am just a little concerned about your ultimatum. I think that may be the thing that is causing her some anxiety too. I can see how she would be scared of coming home if you're going to lord over her.
The last time you did that, didn't you have a GF or someone you had an EA with? I fear that if you don't let her come back on her comfort level, she's going to blame you for "forcing" her to come back because of the "or else" tone.
It's a valid thought stuck. I've thought long and hard about this, too. Truth is, I'm not really forcing her to come back in that sense. In fact, she said that she was going to come back; I'm just holding her to her word and applying a timeline, to which she agreed. Maybe I'm wrong to hold her accountable for her word; maybe I am wrong to expect that she will actually do what she said she will do. We aren't supposed to believe anything they say, so holding her to her promise may be unfair of me.
OTOH, if I can't start expecting a level of truth, honesty, and integrity from her then I am just wasting my time spinning my wheels here. A goal without a plan is just a wish.
As far as the phone call goes, I am still nervous. I didn't sleep much at all last night, but that is par for the course this week. Still playing out all the scenarios and directions that this call will go. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst and all that.
I'm toying with the idea of calling my MIL first to feel her out before the I talk to the W. She usually is a calming influence on me, but even she has been removed and distant for a while now. That also bothers me. Doesn't mean anything until I've talked to the W, though.
It's going to be hard sticking to my guns and enforcing the boundaries that I've drawn. Well, I'll know in about an hour how this is all going down.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Well, the conversation is over. It was not exactly my worst-case scenario, but it was more negative than positive. As I pretty much feared, when I asked her about the flight information, she said that she didn't have it. I asked her why not, and she said that she had been busy this week. Instead of arguing round and round the point, I cut right to the chase. I asked her is she was coming home or not. She said she didn't know.
*Sigh*
Ok, I said, why don't you know (I was begging the question, but whatever)? She said she was afraid things would be like they were. I said "Have my actions not spoken loud enough that I don't want things to be like they were?" - Yeah, another DB no-no, but by this point why should I even pretend to be DBing? She asked me why I couldn't come to Germany with her and find a job there. I told her, I want to do that (Witness my german classes and the promise that we will move there when the kids are grown and out of the house), but we can't right now. Our kids do not speak german and moving to Germany now would knock them back years in school and their social lives: not worth the price to cater to her desire to live in Germany. She said that she wants the kids in Germany with her. I told her that will never happen. She has to make a choice: her kids or her fantasy. She started crying uncontrollably.
I asked her why she couldn't be honest with me. She asked what she had been dishonest about. I said, "You said you were packing this week and getting ready to come home". She said that she had been packing and even wanted to show me on the vid cam. I said, no I really don't care. Third DB strike? or three-hundredth? Bleh!
I said, OK. This conversation isn't going where I hoped it would, so I pulled out my resolve. I told her that since she was still on the fence, and since she was showing no interest in returning and being with me or the kids, that I was going to file for the contested D on Monday. She started blubbering started saying that she was headed for the cemetery; that her life was over. I told her that was yet another reason to get her *ss back here: she needs help!
She hung up on me and I tried unsuccessfully to call her or her mother for the next two hours, and I have still not been able to get in touch with her. In her condition, I don't know what she is capable of, or what she wants. I never thought I would ever say this, but I hope she calls the someone (even the OM at this point would be good) and vents until she is more balanced.
Ugh. I just can't take this much drama any more.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Update: It gets closer to my "worst-case" scenario. The W called back about 4 hours later. She claims that she needed to vent and calm down; she didn't elaborate as to what she did to actually vent. Then she started in on the R discussion post-haste.
*ugh*
She doesn't love me any more and if she comes back, it will only be for the kids. She is torn between two worlds and never liked America. If she comes back, she wants to be able to take them to Germany over the Summers and she will only stay until the youngest is out of HS, then she wants to go back to Germany alone. She complained and again asked my I couldn't just come to Germany with the kids (?! You just said you didn't want to stay M!) Then she cursed that it was me that went to school and got an education and have money, and that she sacrificed everything for the family and I never supported, loved, respected, etc.
In the end, she was getting tired so she said she would call me back in the morning and we could continue the convo. It sounded like she is falling back toward coming back and getting an apartment here in Oregon so she can be with the kids, but I'm no-where in that picture right now.
I feel like I won a battle (getting her home), but the war for my M is slipping away...
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
You told me once not to listen to what the WAW says but watch what she does. Get her home, and see what she does then. Im so much more optimistic then i used to be about these things.
my 2 cents.
mlb
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Sounds like she is confused. But like you said, if she doesn't love you why would she want you to move to Germany? What if she left you and the kids there?!
She's not thinking things through, just scared. If she comes home, she'll see how things have changed.
We all change.
They want us to change, when we do, they don't know what to do.
You guys are right, of course. Her words right now are meaningless. Getting her home is my #1 priority. I accept the possibility that she may want a D when she comes back, but at least my kids will have their mother back in their lives. This is my fervent hope. I know she doesn't like living here in America/Oregon. She said as much when she called yesterday. She feels like the house is a mausoleum, not a home. Yeah, I get that. Not to be argumentative, but she did pick out the house...
Financially-speaking, she has given me the sweetest deal on a divorce if we do it before she comes home. She only wants a lump-sum payout with credit given for the money I advanced her when she left. If she comes home, she will get alimony, child-support, etc. Even with knowing all that, I woud rather that she was here with the kids. I can't even begin to try a reconciliation with her while she is in Germany. At least if she is here, I can see her and maybe things can work out down the road.
She is supposed to call me this morning to continue the conversation that we had yesterday. Of course, today is also the OMs BD, so she might not call if she is out partying with him tonight.
*sigh*
One battle at a time: get her home first. That is my first goal.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
