Soooooooo... my brother told me to keep talking. I acknowledged that I had equal responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage, felt comfortable even though he's been gone for over a year. Living in the same house, with the same furniture made everything feel the same.. that things hadn't changed that much.
"Gyps.. you're broke.. and you're in debt. That's what's different."
Ouch.. it seems that I need constant wake up calls. Eegads.. so that's why I'm doing the tag sale/get the house cleaned up thingie. I'm screwed financially!
So.. one foot in front of the other. Take care of me. Get to what I can afford and let go of the rest.
I did ask one of my daughter's friend's mom to go out to dinner with me. I was a little scattered but we had a very nice time sharing our dinner and came home feeling calm. At one point I told her my love bucket needed some filling.. and what she said was very soothing. Our daughters and their friends love to play "Love Bucket" when they spend the night and we fill everyone's bucket one at a time.
Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. *hugs*
My fog is lifting. I talked to each of my sons yesterday to see how they were doing. The oldest (who is angry with his father) only talked about finals and classes and his focus on completing his degree. I didn't say anything figuring we'd talk when he was ready. My other son has been more open. After telling what his aunt (ex's sister) said, I asked him how he was doing. He said it was just very weird and strange about his father but that he was okay. I know he turns to his girlfriend for support. My fourteen year old daughter is at times very selfish/self absorbed.. which is common at this age. Then again, all this change might be unsettling.
Deciding to sell the house, having the tag sale are both very liberating experiences. I'm doing it for me. It's all about me. I'm broke and in debt. I know my reality and am facing it. And it is MY life and my problems. It's up to me how I resolve them.
Oh yes, even though I sold tons, my garage is still full of treasures. I'll just have another one next weekend. My goal was to move at least one piece of furniture out of every room and to remove 50% of the extras in my house, to make my life simpler.
My attitude toward ex is shifting. As long as we continue to equitably finish up the details of the divorce and he keeps his financial commitment, he is a good ex-husband. I'll focus on wrapping up the loose ends so that the divorce is completed.
This is a transition. My brother encourages me. I'm in a much better place because of his advice, along with the support of my sister, family and friends.
Initially I spent a lot of time clinging to my beliefs. Accepting ex's reality created my own. Wailing and gnashing my teeth is over.. thank goodness. My past with ex I no longer understand, but that's okay. With time will come perspective. Now is the time for action. Although I love my home, looking forward to my own home is wonderful. Clearing out all the stuff in this house clears my thinking. Getting rid of the debt, being able to rebuild financially is motivating.
I don't need to hold onto possessions to keep what is dear. Fear is ebbing.
And I'm not missing out on anything by not dating while going through this. My plate is full enough. The energy needs to be directed on the here and now, to build a solid foundation for me and the kids. To be in a good place. All this work is so healing and even.. exciting!
Thanks for being here for me, being my friends. Love, good wishes and warm fuzzies to you.
am I glad those days are over too, the raw pain and dealing with the new reality!! I would've floundered too, well, I sort of did, MIL (I still call her MIL) told me last week that x asked her if she'd go to his wedding... well, they live together, what else can be worse? I dont' care...
Glad to hear that the fog is lifting, months from now when all the$$ is sorted out and you have your own place this stuff will be just a memory, and you'll continue to grow as a person)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My dad is in the hospital.. again, less than 24 hours after his last release. My mother who never wants to see the negative in anything is crying, unable to imagine life without him. For the first time my dad said this was no way to live. The first time after at least 14 yanks at mortality.
I am so happy I went down to see them a few weeks ago, when the attitudes were sunshiny. My dad and brother will talk to the docs tomorrow about the reality of his situation. His extremely low platelet counts suggest leukemia.. just another item to throw on his list of ailments.
This is hard.. but so much has happened positively in such a short period of time. Around this time last year my dad was near death, shortly after ex left the house. The two most significant male figures in my life were potentially leaving, men I should be able to trust.. but was betrayed.. or so I felt last year.
Coincidentally.. I got my daddy back just recently. I care about him. I love him. I feel for what he is going through. It makes me cry. Before when he'd be in an untenable situation, I'd prepare for his death but my emotions were removed... just waiting for that chapter of the book to finish. I didn't want to feel regrets looking at his grave.
Now I ache.. it hurts.. gently. I feel for my mom. Now I am engaged with what's going on with my dad.. I'm no longer detached with underlying anger and bitterness. My gift with my parents is that just my conversations make them laugh. Whatever I tell them has them howling. That's love.
It's as mysterious as it is giving. What a gift it is to know that I love my father.. what a gift. I am a slow learner. I'm divorced for a reason. My mom keeps saying how I'm coming back.. the person she knew so long ago.. fun, happy, able to manage things.
Today, before things started going south with my dad.. I keep niggling myself that there was another Mrs. Ex in the world.. a role that had once been mine. Ex had broken an engagement six months before I met him. He was always derogatory about his ex-fiance and her family. I felt ex walked on water, was a demi-god and treated him as such. He was incapable of doing anything wrong. I imagine ex replaying that same loop with Mrs. Ex.. then I remember.. I am not doing anything positive for me with those types of thoughts.
I'm still working hard on the house, making the basement get the WOW factor. Pool room, home theater area, exercise room, etc. I have wayyy too much stuff which nice (cheap) people pay me to haul out of my garage. Whoo hoo!
I'm tired.. going to bed.. and all over the place.
Love the "birdwalk" post. Ramblings and musings, but all good stuff. How's the singing going? Ever consider going back to school? After Gym Woman got divorced, she went to nursing school. She was a CPA and HATED it. The divorce gave her a new outlook on life. She's an RN now and LOVES it. Just the view from my "deer stand" in the DB tree.
I am amazed at your change in outlook towards your father. You are right, it is a gift (and I mean that in all its connotations). Your journey has been what you have made of it, and its inspiring to see all that you've done. You're turning out to be one special lady, my friend. As we've seen, not everyone takes the path with so much grace, introspection and learning...
(I AM coming for that cage! Please don't sell it!)
