I've often thought of how I could "attract" her back to get her to be the one to initiate things. Out of love and not out of obligation. If you have any ideas on how I can quietly attract her back I'm all for it.
My husband would like to have that same knowledge, I'm sure...
Although, my H has not recieved the imput that you have gotten from this board and reading the DR book. I have not seen my H working at "trying" to actually be attractive to me and that hurts a little bit, but I believe the way he probably looks at it (I don't know, I just have to guess about what he thinks) is that I was the one that went astray, so I need to be the one to do the work getting back the relationship.
Even though we are not sexually active, we have come such a long way in our R. We were in a lot of trouble in our MR years before I had the EA, but we chose to ignore it, so when I look at point A and now at point B, I am amazed that we have made the distance. Let me give you an example. Last night he called me while he was out and I was in the back room on the computer. Well, the answer machine came on and he knew I was here and he was saying funny things to me on the machine as I was making my way to the phone. When I picked it up, I responded with, "I thought I got rid of you!" and he laughed and we just carried on joking with each other. Now when you consider what a "touchy" subject that could have been to say something like that....pretending I did not know it was him and all.....yes, we've come a long way to be able to do that.
You see, my H and I just lived under the same roof for so many years that we really did not enjoy each other's company. He stopped acting like he even cared if we "had" a R any longer. Whenever he would say anything to me, it was with a gruff/harsh tone of voice and sounded so critical or angry. But, it was a bad habit he allowed himself to get in and I had not stopped him until it go so bad that I couldn't take it any longer. That is why I told you to be very careful to speak to your W with soft tones. We slide into really bad habits and stop "working" at having a fantastic R and that is when couples start to slip apart. So, my H and I had not been good friends for a long time. I was like your W in that I felt like I had no "friends" either and I did miss the OM's conversations with me. As I've told you, my H just did not come home and talk to me at night and I am the type of person who needs that. I grew up seeing my parents do that and with me being a "talker" myself......well, of course I thought that a MR was communicating with each other every day about everything. Those past years before I had the EA were getting bad. It's not like we had knock down -- drag out fights, but we just we cranky and spoke with sharpness to each other. We didn't even realize it until one of the kids said something about it one time. It embarrassed me that we had been doing that in front of our own family and not even notice. It was as if we had slowly lost a certain amount of........maybe respect?.......I'm not really sure. But, the MR was or had died and I was very much feeling like a widow when I got involved with the OM.
Anyway, back to your stitch. As I told you before, remember how you use to be when you were dating and the things that seem to turn her on. Couldn't you tell what she liked just by the way she looked at you? Even when women try to act coy, if they are drawn sexually to a man, I think it may be something the man can sense. Do you agree? I could be wrong......just kind of talking out loud here. But anyway, as I told you before, I think to learn to become good friends goes a long way, and to keep things from getting serious. That means no R talks unless she brings it up.....okay? I doubt she is going to want to bring anything up for a long time, so don't sit around expecting her to do it. Believe me, it has been this long and I have said very, very little about the EA to my H. He has allowed me to work through it and for that, I appreciate it. You have to allow her to do the same, Stuck.
So, act as if you are having a good time at whatever is going on at home. "Make" good times happen. Even if the two of you cook supper together or clean the kitchen up......make it fun. Act as if you are not married and play with her, tease her playfully and throw in a hint of flirting. There is enough seriousness raising a family and dealing with bills, etc., so you have to make fun happen. Play with the kids by joking and just horsing around with them. Keep the atmoshere at home happy and care free. You see, if the tone is too serious, it causes the people to think about why it got to be serious, but if it is a house full of laughter and giggles and sounds of playfulness.......it helps to put what happened under the bridge and to move on with life. It also helps to forgive.
So, that is what I believe it much more important to a woman in her shoes and at this "point", than thinking about what to do that would be romantic. All of this other stuff I have talked about.......is like foreplay to her. If you can think of it like that, maybe it will be easier for you. As I used to try to tell my H, you have to set the tone for ML early in the day and not wait until 10:30 at night after no emotional preparation and think there is going to be hot sex in the city tonight! This may be the longest "foreplay" of your life, but in the end it will be worth it. I don't know how long or how hard you had to work to get your girl before she agreed to date you, but I bet you didn't give up until she did. I know things are a lot different for most people these days than they use to be, and I think in a lot of ways that is sad b/c it takes the fun out of it......LOL. Sure, it was a "game" and that's why it was called the dating game. It is the same with the mating game, too.
Well, I am just rambling now, so I need to go. Glad you are sounding better. You help me too, Stuck, to learn how it is for you H's. It helps me to know how my H feels and maybe some things he thinks about. So, this is not just a one way street. I appreciate what you share with me also.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
