Ok, so it's official, I am hopeless. I just can't get this DB thing down. I feel like it is way too hard for me... been doing well all week until today. I gave in and called H. I saw on the caller ID that he called me yesterday morning so this morning I called back. Funny thing is that when I saw that he called I had planned on not calling him back. And then today I am here sitting at my desk and every so often the feeling of missing him comes over me. For the most part I'm good at not giving in to it, but sometimes, I just can't help it. And today I was defeated and I called. It was even worse that I first called him block # and then I heard his voice. I hanged up and then called back again. gosh, I have not done the block # thing at all during the S since I knew H would think it is me, We had a good conversation though... short but good. But I always feel like a fool when I call him... I want him running after me not me running after him when he was the one to do me wrong. Does this ever get easier? It has been 7 months already since we have been separated.
Vicky just remember anything worth doing takes work. If it were easy there would never be anything worth having. I think you need to have a clear vision in your mind what you are working towards. Give yourself a few back-ups if you find yourself tempted. Make yourself walk for half an hour if you are tempted to call him. Call a friend to help get your mind off of him...DO NOT talk about him with the friend. Come here and vent.
I used to talk to my ex everyday before this affair happened. It was hard when he moved out but groveling is not attractive. Obviously, I didn't save my marriage and as you can see on my posts even 9 months post divorce, he still invades my existence. I just know that I am better off without talking to him any more than absolutely necessary. You will be too.
hang in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think in my sitch the main reason I don't like calling my H is that I need to set boundaries. Let him know that his behavior is not acceptable. My H is happy when I do call and he calls me at times but I know its all just to continue this whole love triangle thing and to keep me hooked. But I'm hooked...... awwwwwwww. I also know that I need to have him miss me and want to be with me that all means necessary. I know its a process so I will try to remember that and that it takes time.
i have to tell you, in my situation, when h first left, i didnt even know about divorce busting. i didnt even know he was having an affair. but i decided right then and there, if he was leaving, i will not call him, he can call me. and i stuck to it for a very very very long time.
and u know what, he said something to be months and months later, about me not calling. he said, "i didnt see u calling and fighting for me when i left".
my point is, sometimes it is ok to call. i thought i was being tough and not calling was going to win him back. truth is, atleast in my situation, my h wanted to see me fighting for him. in his opinion, me not calling meant i didnt care that he left, i didnt care if i spoke to him or not. which was so not the truth, but that was how he saw it.
i dont know that this helps u in any way. just thought it would make u feel better about the times u do call. its ok once in a while.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I think that's a really good point. If you ARE going to go "dim" or totally "dark," I think it's important to ALSO do other strong things that demonstrate that you're fighting for your marriage. This might be exposure, as it was in my case, but it could also be other things.
thanks puppy, im honored to think that you think i made a good point, i always valued your opnions...
i just think that sometimes our spouses are looking for our attention, to see that we care, even though they dont say so, even though they are doing really crummy things that would make us not want to give the attention.
i really took the attitude of h left, he can call me and that totally backfired. yes h is back now, but maybe it would have happened sooner if i did things differently.
i think each situation is different, there is no set way to win them back. i sometimes wonder if in the end, it doesnt matter what you do or dont do that is going to make the final decision on the marriage working or not. if anything, its all about timing. if u find your spouse softening, that is a good time to call alittle more often, or do the things u want to do to show them u care. if u are miles apart, i would step back but still show u care about the marriage in some form.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Thanks for making me feel better. I'm so big on always doing the right thing that I try so hard at this DBing thing, and then beat myself up when I do something that's not along the LRT. I do call H at times and so does he, and I know though in my sitch I was the R fixer and always pushing things so I need to back off. But I know I haven't been successful at letting my H know what's accceptable or not, but I do wonder sometimes if going dim is better than dark, keep some level of communication open. Dunno.
So update... I had a great weekend. On Saturday I drove up to visit my friend in Connecticut. We had dinner at her place and then went to the Mohegan Sun Casino - lost only $50 bucks. But we had fun. We got home like 3am in the morning. Had breakfast and then I drove back on Sunday. It was great doing GALing stuff like this.
But, I haven't been very good at DBing this weekend. I think I have probably broken several DB rules this weekend. So last week fedex has been trying to deliver a packagage for H and Sat they called and said they are holding it for him. So before I left fot CT, I dropped off the fedex slip and a mail for H to his mother's place. I was trying to be good and I had just texted H saying that I dropped his mail off. But, as I was there H's son and his sister came up from the basement. I can help but to be hurt at times to see that. I've been working on getting to accept H's son but OW's daughter, what the hell is that. H's nieces, who speak to OW, babysits them and they are now very comfortable at MIL's place. Makes me feel like WOW one big happy family. The family that was once mine. OW doesn't go to MIL place though, I guess not yet. H's just drops them off. So H's niece had said that H just dropped them off but he went straight to the basement and I thought he came there while I was there. And I was hurt thinking that he saw my car in the driveway and didn't even come to say hi. When I left MIL's place I called him and asked doesn't he have any manners but he said he must have come before I got there becasue my car wasn't in driveway.
Then H asked where I was headed and I gladly told him I was going to CT to see a friend. Of course he asked if its my man and I said yes my man jokingly. And he asked again who and I said like you said my man. Then I told him my girlfriend. But of course he didn't believe me. So it felt good letting him know that I'm living my life. Then H asked again, "are you pregnant?" Isn't it crazy. I know its because we were trying to have a family and he has a fear of me moving on and getting pg for someone else. But the question just come out of the blew doesn't it. Like I would just casually get pg like the flu. I probably shouldn't have but I said, why are you always questioning me? How about I question you.. what are you doing, where are you headed? He didn't like that though. He said, alright alright forget it. We talked about business stuff after. Anyway, after we hanged up and I made sure I was the first to end the call. H then called back asking if that was just my call he saw with someone else in the car. And then he even asked if I'm going to spend the weekend. I said yes, and asked him how many weekends hasn't he spent out now. Again he got defensive and didn't like that conversation. So we ended the call. I was about to called back, tried twice actually, but through the grace of God, his phone went to voicemail.
On Sunday, I needed him to go take care of something at our bldg so I texted him. And then had to call him. He was about to ask if I was on my way back home and then he said forget it. Then he called me once he took care of the stuff.
So this morning, I woke up and felt like, you know what... I need to start dating. I think that enough is enough, I am young and tired. And damn it, I am getting lonely. I believe in marriage, yes; I want and wish my marriage would work, but I think other people just live and they date and enjoy life. I feel like I'm depriving myself for the unknown. Who knows if my H will be back. He has already developed a life of his own. He has gotten in deep with these people. And I need to like my life. I need to expand my social life. Go on dates, be happy, have entertainment gosh darn it. I like I am young and I just don't want to wait until I'm older to have regrets. So the problem though, who to date. So I called my family and friends this morning telling them that I think its time for me to date so if they know of anyone, I ready to go out have dinner, but no hanky panky.
So this is the funny/strange part, I called my H too. Told him to put the friendship hat on for a minute (something I always tell H when I want to have non-jealous open convos). Anyway I told him like I told everyone else... I'm ready to date and if he knows of anyone decent, single, with no wife or crazy baby-mama to kick my a-s. I even made sure I told him that I told everyone else to look out for me too. I had even called along with my other friends, H's brother and MIL. Why not, they love me and they know that I have given this tons and worked to save the marriage but H is the one that moved on. BIL said he will look out for me. Anyway, so H said he would. But first he said, I told you to wait and I said wait for what? (Is this man insane!!!) I told him that don't be selfish and not hook me up. Then he went to talking about he knows what to do. We then had a short talk about H being home b/c his son is sick and he's taking him to the doctor (see H has his new life already). I just showed interest and wish that he felt better.
So then later in the morning, H calls back... to say that if I can do him a favor and stop telling everyone that I'm ready to date and I said casually why not, these are people who love and care for me and want me to be happy. I then told him sincerely that I don't want him to feel like I called to tell him that to make him jealous or anything (and honestly I didn't - he moved on and we're friends). Then he said what will happen when he comes back home and he's coming back home, he's working on things and he needs me to trust him. And how he's been doing a lot of thinking and that he knows what he needs to do when he come back home and for us to start a family. I said (and I was firm too but not yelling), H what are you working on, you say a lot of tings but your actions show different. And, no I don't trust you!! And he said can I wait and he'll be back home by the end of the summer, and I said, no that is not fair -I will not put my life on hold like that. Then he went on to say maybe I could just go on a few dates and I stopped him and said no you cannot dictate that. Then he said that maybe him and I could start back dating and I said no I don't want that, I will not go with you with you living where you are. Absolutely not. You would need to move out. He then tried to convince me that we should start to date and I kept saying no way, not under these conditions. He also talked about how he's tired of all the headaches and he wants to get his life together and I said but you are not taken steps to do that. I even told him what was it that we said as children, words are wind.
Anyway, maybe the whole talk was anti-DB but I know H if full of crap and in the past it would have worked with me and I might have been happy after such a conversation but I'm not. H just talks. Oh get this, H even said, all I know is that I love my wife. And I said, how do you show that love. And I said, I know i don't show it, but I do love my wife. Someone please tell me which crack house my H visits on a regular basis. He may not drink a lick but he sure takes crack.
Cake-eating at its finest. I think it is time for you to start letting him convince you through his actions why you should even want him back. Who knows? You might just meet someone who treats you like you want to be treated, not as a fall back plan.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I also know that I need to have him miss me and want to be with me that all means necessary. I know its a process so I will try to remember that and that it takes time.