My daughter has just tried to call my wife on our landline number and also on her mobile and there was no answer and the mobile was switched off. It is these situations when I find it difficult because under normal circumstances she never turns her mobile off until around midnight.
It is clear to me she does not want anybody calling her mobile as she is more than likely with OM. This is when I find things difficult as I now imagine she is probably at a club or restaurant with this person. My mind starts to go into overdrive picturing scenarios and I also get angry at the deceit particularly as the children are so upset about us divorcing.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I hear you, Mark. Some book I read -- they all kind of blend together now into one massive self-help 16-ton Monty Python weight dropping from the ceiling -- said that you should visualize a STOP sign whenever you start having those thoughts. They take you down dark scary lanes you don't want to visit even in the daytime.
For myself, I try to imagine Liverpool. LOL. No, really. I went to Liverpool in 1985. A bad, bad place at that time -- hooligans were setting the upper decks of the buses alight, smashing in the windows of the few shops still open.
I wandered out of a pub one night and took a left instead of a right.
A bad, bad, bad decision.
So now, when I start going down those awful lanes of the mind, I cast back to that night, too full of lager by half, wondering where on earth my hotel was, and hearing this Scouser git demand to know wot oi fought oi was duin 'round 'ere. I remember the echo of his voice along the brick walls shortly before he and his mates introduced my face to their bovver boots.
And I think to myself -- hey, SP -- take a look around. Stop.
I have to see my wife today at our childrens fun run. I will look at her with utter contempt and anger, how can she do this to the children and I. My S7 is suffering so much, he never leaves my side when he is with me now, he is hurting badly while she probably right now at 6.21am is in this OP's bed. I just feel sick.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
No, no, no - let me tell you from my experience being her mother does not work and reflects badly on you.
You don't know why her phone was switched off. She could have been ill in bed with a migraine. This is called assuming and we all do it big time in the beginning, it makes an 'ass-of-you-and-me. Assume.
Will looking at her with utter contempt get you towards your main goal? This is a DBing opportunity - be a great father today. Be cool, you are getting on with your life now and it is great. Don't let her push your buttons. If you want to address the phone issue, do it in private later and people may have tips about how to approach it?
I agree with JCJ. Use this as a time to do some DBing. She may even be expecting a reaction from you(if she knows she has done wrong), don't give it to her.
When I find myself assuming things and my thoughts start getting out of control I use the STOP sign tenchique that SM mentioned and then ask myself What evidence do I have to support this? If it is none then I try and let it go.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
This is my last response to PositivelyMommy in regard to my Anticipation List.
PM,
Thank you again for your imput. I am so pleased you like my Anticipation List as it was my first go, I suppose it means I am on the right track. Also reading your posts I can see as a positive bi-product of the commitment to the children is the way my wife in time would see a HUGE 180 as identified when I was collating list of 180's with JCJ. I know I am not doing this to show her I have changed but I think I can understand how 180's can be accomplished without it looking so obvious, particularly with the children as you have identified. We have just finished an 8 mile bike ride and picnic, I am now taking them to trampolining and am going to cook them a lovely spaghetti dinnerr tonight. I have also asked my daughter if she would like a friend to stay and her friend has excepted so I will have three children tonight which will be great fun.
As soon as your your first post today, I wrote down and sent the following text to my wife...
Hi Suzi, please could you bring with you tomorrow the childrens weekly schedule and times. I know I should know it by now, but if I find I have time to help you pick up or drop off the children, I can give you plenty of notice to arrange it. Me.
I have just received a response 'OK'.
Not sure what to have expected but my concern is for the children, and I certainly would not have expected a gushing response.
I hope I worded it correctly as in my view this shows anticipation and pro-activeness. Asking for the schedule also shows consideration for my wife and the childrens welfare, it does not show pursuing and lastly, I control the times I can assist, meaning I am not seen as a doormat. I hope I am reading this whole way of thinking correctly, I am sure your wisdom will tell me otherwise.
When I was at the marital home my wife and I made sure either of us read to our children at bed time, we found this was a very important way of bonding and obviously was educational for them.
I will now study the rest of your second post on my return from trampolining.
Thank you PM, you are a life saver and my children and I will thank you always. xx
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
