Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[futureunknown]

Antlers-

Good morning. Hope you were able to get some sleep. If you truly can't sleep, can't function, can't be a good parent, and can't stop the thoughts from mercilessly swirling around in your head, see your doctor and talk to him or her about it. There's no shame in getting a little help right now. I did, and it helped a lot. There's no avoiding the pain and grief, but you can at least get some sleep and function a little better.

I know she needs to be alone. She's been alone for nearly 2 and 1/2 months already, and things have gotten worse during that time! Her anger and hatred are increasing, and now she's saying the things that I mentioned earlier! She says that I'm just manipulating people and that she can see right through me! I'm not. I don't know if its fear, or anger and hatred, that is dominating her every thought and action right now. She has told me what the future will bring, and it's not good for me! I hope you are right.

All anger and hatred is born from fear. Her suspicious comments show how fearful she is. I know it's virtually impossible, but try not to let her comments hit soooo hard. Remember, she's an imperfect human being like the rest of us.

I feel bad about myself too, and I haven't started feeling better yet. Did she say the kinds of things that my spouse said to me? Hard to imagine, right now, that we'll ever do things as a family again...or that she'll ever be nice and kind to me...she moved out in February. Hard to have any hope right now, but I still do, and I don't know if its false hope or not! I want to be OK if we end up apart.

It sounds like your W is in a worse place than my W was, but they were in the same neighborhood, that's for sure! I, like you, was shocked and very hurt by how my W mercilessly lashed out at me. This was a woman I loved, had children with, shared memories with. Try to realize, she's all alone now, she's scared, no matter how much it looks like she's got all the power, she's really terrified. Her lashing out is indication of that. The fact that her anger is intensifying may actually be a good sign that her being alone is finally allowing her to process and purge all the years of supressed feelings. The emotional wound is coming to the surface.

Going dark sounds like an appropriate strategy right now...what do you think...in particular, regarding the communication between us?

Well, I'm ready for some change in this mess, I just want it to be change for the better. Thanks for your efforts so far.

Keep communication as minimal as possible. Always be calm and neutral. Just the facts necessary to deal with whatever is at hand.

Remember, some change will come, but it will take time, probably much time, so don't wait on it every day, and don't count on the change being everything you want it to be. Just get yourself into a better place and live your life.

I feel for you since I was in such a similar place. I don't have all the answers, that's for sure. I'm just trying to share what I've learned so far.

[ppenton]

My affirmation:

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!...

I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

I go to this site everyday and have asked some family and friends to share in my prayers for my W. I have not shared this with my W or her friends. Good luck with your sitch....

[antlers]

Antlers-

Good morning. Hope you were able to get some sleep. If you truly can't sleep, can't function, can't be a good parent, and can't stop the thoughts from mercilessly swirling around in your head, see your doctor and talk to him or her about it. There's no shame in getting a little help right now. I did, and it helped a lot. There's no avoiding the pain and grief, but you can at least get some sleep and function a little better.

I know she needs to be alone. She's been alone for nearly 2 and 1/2 months already, and things have gotten worse during that time! Her anger and hatred are increasing, and now she's saying the things that I mentioned earlier! She says that I'm just manipulating people and that she can see right through me! I'm not. I don't know if its fear, or anger and hatred, that is dominating her every thought and action right now. She has told me what the future will bring, and it's not good for me! I hope you are right.

All anger and hatred is born from fear. Her suspicious comments show how fearful she is. I know it's virtually impossible, but try not to let her comments hit soooo hard. Remember, she's an imperfect human being like the rest of us.

I feel bad about myself too, and I haven't started feeling better yet. Did she say the kinds of things that my spouse said to me? Hard to imagine, right now, that we'll ever do things as a family again...or that she'll ever be nice and kind to me...she moved out in February. Hard to have any hope right now, but I still do, and I don't know if its false hope or not! I want to be OK if we end up apart.

It sounds like your W is in a worse place than my W was, but they were in the same neighborhood, that's for sure! I, like you, was shocked and very hurt by how my W mercilessly lashed out at me. This was a woman I loved, had children with, shared memories with. Try to realize, she's all alone now, she's scared, no matter how much it looks like she's got all the power, she's really terrified. Her lashing out is indication of that. The fact that her anger is intensifying may actually be a good sign that her being alone is finally allowing her to process and purge all the years of supressed feelings. The emotional wound is coming to the surface.

Going dark sounds like an appropriate strategy right now...what do you think...in particular, regarding the communication between us?

Well, I'm ready for some change in this mess, I just want it to be change for the better. Thanks for your efforts so far.

Keep communication as minimal as possible. Always be calm and neutral. Just the facts necessary to deal with whatever is at hand.

Remember, some change will come, but it will take time, probably much time, so don't wait on it every day, and don't count on the change being everything you want it to be. Just get yourself into a better place and live your life.

I feel for you since I was in such a similar place. I don't have all the answers, that's for sure. I'm just trying to share what I've learned so far.

Mornin'. I got more last night than the night before. I've been sleeping OK recently until that phone call the other night. I use OTC doxylamine when I need to and it works good for me. It's hard to stop the thoughts sometimes. I've been taking Celexa for a couple of months and I think it helps. I have problems with the pain and grief too!

Really? I thought that resentment had a lot to do with it too! I do know that she's messed up some right now...but she seems real strong to me, and she says she is happy now for the first time in a long time. Her comments did hit me like a ton of brick. But I know that hurting people say hurtful things. But so do people who are pissed off and resentful!

Yep, it's sometimes hard for me to imagine that it's the same person...I've been told that she's not the same person anymore...at least to me! It looks to me that she's doing fine, does have all the power, and really has her act together...almost like it's a honeymoon period for her. Hard to imagine that she's anything other than real happy right now! Her anger is getting worse, and I hope it's because she's processing and purging all of the emotions and feelings that she kept bottled up for so long. I know that anger protects one from vulnerability. She doesn't seem vulnerable to me at all though!

I really don't want to communicate at all right now...but I don't want anything bad to happen in the meantime either. If necessary, it'll be text, and minimal.

I so much want to get myself in a better place, and live...instead of just existing. I'd like some positive change, for a change! I've got lots of time...I just really don't want a divorce, and I hope she doesn't file.

I appreciate you sharing with me from what you've learned so far...and I appreciate the others too who care! Thanks .

[antlers]

My affirmation:

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!...

I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

I go to this site everyday and have asked some family and friends to share in my prayers for my W. I have not shared this with my W or her friends. Good luck with your sitch....

Thank You. I will check out their website too! I pray also for my wife's healing.

[aliveandkicking]

I've been told never to compare my insides to someone else's outsides. Plus, if she's that angry, how could she be so happy?

Believe me, I get it. My H has the world on a string, everything is going his way but inside, he's a tormented insecure mess, I only see it because we get so much time together. That doesn't mean that he wont decide he's happy and roll with it. I guess that is what is hard for us to accept, that we can think they are delusional, nuts, miserable, whatever and it wont stop them. It can just help us to focus on ourselves and hopefully stop comparing.

[antlers]

I've been told never to compare my insides to someone else's outsides. Plus, if she's that angry, how could she be so happy?

Believe me, I get it. My H has the world on a string, everything is going his way but inside, he's a tormented insecure mess, I only see it because we get so much time together. That doesn't mean that he wont decide he's happy and roll with it. I guess that is what is hard for us to accept, that we can think they are delusional, nuts, miserable, whatever and it wont stop them. It can just help us to focus on ourselves and hopefully stop comparing.

I know! But we still do! I've been comparing my 'inside' with her 'outside'...and I've been comparing my weakness iwth her strength! It's a losing proposition. I don't know if she's torn on the inside or not...seems pretty strong and together to me. They convince themselves they are right...no matter what! We need to STOP comparing...that's for sure! It's hard to do...but we've got to focus on ourselves! Once you figure out how to do that, let me know!

[futureunknown]

Plus, if she's that angry, how could she be so happy?

Exactly! How can someone with that much venom in them really be happy?

Her anger is getting worse, and I hope it's because she's processing and purging all of the emotions and feelings that she kept bottled up for so long. I know that anger protects one from vulnerability. She doesn't seem vulnerable to me at all though!

What other reason could there be for her anger getting worse? She's away from you now, so it's not like you're doing new things to make her angry. Her anger shows how vulnerable she's really feeling inside. Secure, happy, confident people don't lash out like that. Her anger is doing it's job, it's hiding her vulnerability from you, and probably from herself somewhat too.

[antlers]

Plus, if she's that angry, how could she be so happy?

Exactly! How can someone with that much venom in them really be happy?

Her anger is getting worse, and I hope it's because she's processing and purging all of the emotions and feelings that she kept bottled up for so long. I know that anger protects one from vulnerability. She doesn't seem vulnerable to me at all though!

What other reason could there be for her anger getting worse? She's away from you now, so it's not like you're doing new things to make her angry. Her anger shows how vulnerable she's really feeling inside. Secure, happy, confident people don't lash out like that. Her anger is doing it's job, it's hiding her vulnerability from you, and probably from herself somewhat too.

Yeah...maybe...but it's just me that pisses her off so much...she's not like that unless I'm involved, either physically or mentally! When I'm not around, and she doesn't have to think about me...she's OK.

When you put it 'that' way, there really is no other reason, I guess, for her anger getting worse! It makes her angry to have to see me, or texting between us, or phone conversations between us...those things enrage her. Anything that has to do with me, that involves her too, makes her so mad! I hope she's dealing with the TONS of emotions that hurt her so bad. I know she feels something inside...it's hate, anger, and resentment. She does lash out...fiercely! I hope her anger is doing it's job. She seems pretty resolute thouh...seems to have her mind made up!

[antlers]

futureunknown wrote:

"This is an importent point that took me a long time to finally understand and embrace. If you love her, give her what she wants, which is her freedom. If you have to, think of it as just for now. One thing is for absolute sure...right now, and for the near future, she wants to be left alone. No doubt about that. The fact that you want to keep trying to talk and plead and convince is actually very unloving and selfish because it's all about you. It's incredibly hard to stop trying to force things because you want your pain to go away, I sure understand that. She's made it totally clear how she feels right now. Respect her wishes. Let her go. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY SHE'S GIVING YOU TO SHOW HER THAT YOU LOVE HER, SO TAKE IT. Be strong for your kids. No matter how angry she is at you, she knows the kids need you, and if you're a good and solid father, she'll respect you for it."


I've given this a lot of thought since it was posted to me, and it sure helps to get a perspective from others...THANKS. Nothing that I've been doing has made anything better, so, as hard as it's gonna be, I intend to do this! And to do it better than at any time so far! It's scary though!

I don't intend to initiate any contact at all, except what's absolutely necessary for the kids, and I'll do that with text messages that are short and to the point.

What do ya'll think?

[PortlandDad]

I don't intend to initiate any contact at all, except what's absolutely necessary for the kids, and I'll do that with text messages that are short and to the point.

What do ya'll think?

It sounds like the right thing to do.